Dealing With An Emotionally Abusive Spouse During A Divorce
Almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation, and though many of these marriages end in amicable terms, some couples aren’t so lucky. Sometimes, a once well-mannered spouse will transform into a relentless bully. What makes this kind of bullying worse is that your ex knows your deepest fears and insecurities, making it easier for them to push your buttons.
Bullying in a divorce can manifest in different ways. Your partner could lie about past incidents or blow things out of proportion to make you look bad. They could isolate you from friends and family, or threaten to take full custody of the children and keep you away from them. They could turn into a cyberbully, harassing you on social media or over email.
Dealing with an abusive partner in a divorce can take a significant toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing. Thankfully, the situation isn’t unsalvageable. If you take the time to understand how you can handle an abusive partner, you can make the divorce more bearable.
Turn To A Support System
Divorcing a bully is a harrowing task, but having the right people around you can make it easier. Your support system will consist of professionals, like a lawyer and other consultants, as well as emotional support like your friends and family to keep you mentally balanced. Knowing that you have a group of people who have your back will make a world of a difference on especially bad days.
Keep A Record Of The Abuse
When you’re a victim of bullying, it’s easy to feel helpless and fall into despair. But you can stand up for yourself by taking note of your partner’s abusive behavior, recording every single detail. Take note of the date and time, how the abuse occurred, and be as detailed as you can. Then, take this data to your lawyer to see if they can help you stop the abuse by setting clear legal boundaries they cannot cross.
Prioritize Your Health And Safety
Bullying can result in a multitude of mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. The emotional toll can also affect your physical health, weakening your immune system and causing problems like headaches, fatigue, and digestive issues. It’s easy to lose sight of your physical health when you’re in the middle of a difficult divorce, but make a point to take care of yourself by consuming healthy food, exercising, and engaging in activities that make you happy and calm. You could also consult a therapist to help you work through your issues.
Not all bullying partners are violent. But if you think that your ex could physically harm you and your kids, take steps to keep you and your children safe. If your ex was violent during your marriage, the chances of them lashing out on you during the divorce are significantly higher. If you feel that the risk is significant, speak to your lawyer about filing a restraining order.
Bullies often resort to abusive tactics to pressure you to give in to an outcome where you get the short end of the stick. Learn how to stand your ground and don’t let yourself get bullied into making a bad choice. Be kind to yourself. Remember that although things may be difficult now, this will all end eventually. Keep your chin up, and don’t lose heart.
Author of this article, Lucy Wyndham, is a freelance writer and former Financial Advisor. After a decade in industry, she took a step backward to spend more time with her family and to follow her love of writing.
Emotional Aspects of Searching for an Ex-Partner Online
The internet has made it easy to check up on former spouses and boy or girlfriends. In some cases, one may feel relief, “I dodged a bullet on that one.” In other instances, it can lead to the what ifs – “What if I had stayed with him/her.” When deciding whether or not to look up an ex-partner, first think about your motivation. Is it idle curiosity or pondering the question of getting divorced, if an ex may be available?
One acquaintance’s wife went on social media to discover the whereabouts of an old boyfriend. She contacted him and they started having long weekends together that she passed off as business trips. When her suspicious husband confronted her, she confessed about the affair. This couple soon divorced and she later married her former boyfriend. Be clear why you are seeking out information, especially when already in a committed relationship.
People may be delving back into the past to see if they have made good choices. This can get into the dangerous territory of regrets. There may be one person who slipped through their fingers and got away. Seeing that individual’s fabulous lifestyle online can have one questioning why they broke up with them, especially if currently going through a divorce. People may wonder if they were too hasty in letting a love interest go. Instead of saying “what if” think about the great children you now have or the life experiences you would have missed if you did not take the road that you did.
Social media and online searches hit the surface- the great professional accomplishments- but usually do not get at the character traits and values. What tore you apart before, can still do so today unless you both have changed or had some type of enlightenment.
After much prodding by a friend to look up people online, I recently decided to give it a go. I searched for a former fiancé and got quite a surprise. I had broken up with him because of a few character issues and I am sure I had my quirks too. He got married within a few years after our parting of ways, which ended in a divorce fairly quickly. What I discovered online is that he is one of the top surgeons in his field, won all kinds of awards, including “Best Doctor” and is employed at a prestigious institution.
What comes as a surprise is the intensity of emotions that arise as a result of searching for a person from your past. My fiancé and I had a clean break and two years later bumped into each other which ignited our passion. We decided to pursue getting back together again. It seemed like miscommunication on both of our parts led to us each thinking that the other had changed their minds. When I realized our mistake over two decades later, I went through profound grief which manifested itself physically, as if big waves were crashing against me. I mourned not having his loving parents, siblings and extended family in my life. I felt a sense of loss. Others may experience anger, sadness, or wanting a time machine to go back into the past. When deciding whether or not to do a search, be prepared for some strong reactions to what is discovered.
If having problems after doing an online search for an ex, consider a session with a life coach. They can give you a reality check and get you back on track. Thinking over our last phone call, I thought maybe my communication was not clear. The coach pointed out that my fiancé had the responsibility to clarify what he thought my message was, in case of misinterpretation. He easily could have popped in where I worked to see me. This was before cell phones, so I did not have a way to contact him. My life coach suggested perhaps a marriage for us was not meant to be.
In some instances, former boyfriends and girlfriends have found each other again through social media and got married. The common thread is that they are both single and what broke them up is no longer a factor. These include having been too young, parental disapproval or a long-distance relationship, such as going to universities on different continents. It was not a character flaw.
There is a way to satisfy curiosity regarding old classmates and high school sweethearts. See if your class has a group on social media, such as on Facebook where you can catch up with these friends. You can find out what is new with your former flame in this group setting, without contacting them directly.
After a traumatic divorce, one can be lonely, especially when losing friends and some in-laws because of it. One can feel vulnerable and trying to get comfort from past relationships may not be the right path. Give yourself time to heal and gain self-understanding before attempting any social media searches for past partners. When feeling alone, consider networking, meeting new people and joining clubs. Take up old hobbies and follow your interests. Surrounding yourself with supportive people may be what you need most, rather than searching for former loves.
My article was originally printed in DivorceForce www.divorceforce.com/ Affected by Divorce? Join DivorceForce, the online community committed to empowering those affected by divorce. Many helpful articles for those facing divorce. @divorceforce (Twitter)
Running into Ex-Spouse Post-Divorce
If you are still in the midst of divorce, it helps to set the ground work for accidental encounters with your ex-spouse down the road. The relationship charity Restored Lives, suggests wishing them well. The objective is to close that chapter in your lives so that you can move forward. You then part ways on a good note. Giving them directions to Hell – makes it more difficult when bumping into one’s former partner socially. Some people go to great lengths to never see their former spouse again, such as by moving across the country. Others are glad to keep in touch and consider them as a friend. What to do if you are somewhere in the middle of this continuum?
- When running into an ex, have a pleasant expression and ask a few general questions as you would for an acquaintance. It is okay to keep moving slowly while talking, in order to make the conversation brief. If on friendlier terms, feel free to suggest a quick cup of coffee.
- If it looks like she is about to kiss you and you are uncomfortable, copy Oprah Winfrey. She is not a hugger and has mentioned a way to get around this awkward moment. Quickly extend your arm and grab their hand to shake it, with one or both of your hands. Your ex may not be sure how to greet you and this gesture can be helpful for her too.
- If your ex has not have spotted you in the crowd, retreat slowly so as to not draw attention to yourself. Do not stare, but rather stay focused on your get-away without her knowing you are nearby. If seeing your ex strolling down an aisle at the grocers or a shop, turn around and get to the cashier’s for a speedy departure. Avoiding their favorite cafes, coffee shops, etc., lessens the chance of an unwanted encounter. Restaurants where we frequented as a couple, were dropped during my divorce. Divorce brings the opportunity to discover new dining spots and replace old memories with better ones.
- Former spouses may attend the same event, particularly if it is for their child. They say hello and then go to the opposite ends of the room – as boxers do in the ring. The kid has the benefit of both parents being present. This strategy is also used when one’s ex has remarried and their new spouse is accompanying them. Above all do not make a scene, especially at a daughter or son’s wedding. One is more apt to make a fool of themselves when alcohol is thrown into the mix. Too many drinks can have you regretting words and actions to your ex the next day (or your offspring will). Please read more mensdivorce.com/bumping-into-ex-spouse/
Dealing with Grief when an Ex-Spouse Dies
Going through a divorce encompasses the stages of grief. There may be anger or signs of depression during divorce. One may be in denial about the whole process and thus delaying the sessions. One mourns losses – identity, lifestyle, or losing some mutual friends. It takes time getting through the grief process with divorce and moving on.
When an ex dies, this grief cycle can be reactivated again. Even if the former spouse is a dim recollection, their death can trigger a myriad of emotions. It can start one on a trip down Memory Lane with rehashing both the good and troubling ones. Shock may be the first reaction. Take a pause in your busy life to acknowledge and then process these mixed emotions. Pour out your feelings to friends over lattes, get some fresh air with a walk in a leafy area, or release tension through physical activities. There are no “shoulds” – “I should feel sad” I should have done…..” You did what you felt was best at that time. Whatever you are feeling is fine.
In some cases, the death of a former spouse brought up the issue of abandonment all over again, as it had with divorce. Other folks I interviewed, claimed that they felt absolutely nothing upon hearing about their former partner’s demise. It felt impersonal as if it was someone in the news who had died. Their divorce was behind them and their ex had not been in their thoughts for a long time. Three women who had divorced abusive husbands, felt a sense of relief when these men died. It was closure for a traumatic time in their lives and they no longer had to worry about bumping into these toxic former spouses.
People can be devastated when learning about their former spouse’s passing. This death firmly closes the door to fantasies of reuniting when one has carried a glimmer of hope for their ex’s return. Please read more… http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/things-to-consider-grieving-the-death-of-former-spouse
Psychological Abuse in Marriage and After Divorce
Psychological Abuse during marriage can leave a former spouse questioning their own capabilities and mental status. It is debilitating and can have long lasting effects. Psychological abuse is sometimes referred to as “gas lighting” after the 1941 thriller starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the film, Paula is a newlywed returning to the house of her murdered aunt. Her new husband manipulates her into doubting her memory, experiences and eventuality her sanity. Paula sees the gas lights flicker and hears footsteps overhead when her spouse is supposedly not home. He convinces Paula that she is going insane for his own sinister purpose.
A spouse committing gas lighting may be setting up a situation (as in the film) and telling their spouse that it is all in their head. The goal is to have someone question what is real and exert control over them. Psychological abuse is using words and actions to destroy another person without physical violence. Partners may be told that they are too sensitive, suspicious or jealous. Making a “joke” that demeans a spouse when the intention is to tear them down is abuse. It is a stream of criticisms and cruelty over a period of time.
A psychological abuser often attempts to isolate the person from their friends and family. This increases their power over the spouse and lessens the chance others will persuade them to initiate divorce. When someone feels helpless, they are less likely to leave. The target of this abuse questions their intelligence and being able to be on their own. Think about your marital situation. Have your friends fallen by the wayside? Are you out of touch with relatives? Are you doubting your talents? Are you belittled when in the presence or others?
If feeling uncomfortable and doubtful about your well-being and abilities, get some help. A family doctor can recommend a therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for example, can help change faulty perceptions, and give a reality check. A professional can help you sort out your situation to decide which path to take.
This is an unhealthy situation for children to witness. They do not know how to help and can be caught in the middle. Parental alienation can occur when one parent is constantly putting down the other and children might question the targeted parent’s authority. If the kids think this marital situation is normal, then they run the risk of emulating it down the road in their own relationships. Please read more… divorcedmoms.com/articles/what-you-need-to-know-about-psychological-abuse-before–after-divorce
Divorcing a Passive-Aggressive Person
Having a rough marriage with a passive aggressive person, gives a glimpse of what lies ahead with divorce. The characteristics that drove you nuts may be intensified during this process.
When contemplating divorce have an exit plan ready. When actually leaving, do this swiftly and be prepared for the charm to be turned on full force. They may not want to let you go, and make promises that will not be kept.
Ways to Know if Your Spouse or Ex is Passive Aggressive:
1. Passive aggressive people do not deal with anger in a direct way. Be prepared for longer court proceedings. This will mean higher legal costs with these stalling tactics. Tell your attorney right away about this personality disorder so she plan strategies accordingly. Mosby’s medical dictionary states they have “indirect expression of resistance to occupational or social demands. It results in a persistent ineffectiveness, lack of self-confidence, poor interpersonal relationships and pessimism.” By not openly expressing anger, this sabotages proceedings.
2. They avoid confrontations. Strong emotions are hidden and hostility fuels their actions. On the surface he/she appears calm, so it is difficult to know what they are really thinking.
3. Passive aggressive spouses are big blamers. Others are to blame for the problems in their lives and nothing is their fault. It is his wife’s spending that caused their financial woes, not his vintage car collection. Her boss is keeping her from getting the promotion, not the quality of his work. The spouse is a target of this blame which spills over into the divorce proceedings.
4. Passive aggressive people excel with the silent treatment. By not having confrontations, this can result in silence. They sabotage communication by not being an active participant, or may answer questions tersely.
5. The essence of being passive aggressive is not following through with something. They will agree to bring financial records to the next divorce meeting, but not show up with them. They agree to do a report on the job, but do not have all of the components finished. Post-divorce they say, “The check is in the mail.” Their hostility is expressed by not doing a task that is expected of them. Please read more: divorcedmoms.com/articles/10-ways-to-know-your-spouse-ex-is-passive-aggresssive
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Narcissists lack empathy so this makes co-parenting more challenging. They do not have compassion, so only pretend to care for others, including family members. Their children become targets for their manipulation, since they are less likely to stand up to a parent. The world revolves around the narcissistic person and this can include contact schedules and activities.
Children are used as pawns during divorce to get a better financial gain or in retaliation against you. Several eminent psychologists insist that contact between children and a narcissistic parent should be supervised. Dr. Joseph Shannon of Ohio, USA is an expert on personality disorders and does many conferences on this subject. He was adamant about the need to set up supervised visitation to protect the children. When I also asked if a narcissistic ex-spouse lets go of his ex-wife after divorce, he said “no.”
Throughout the UK, there are Children’s’ Contact Centres where the non-resident parent can spend time with their children in pleasant surroundings. They have trained volunteers who are in the centres to give any assistance, if needed. In one case, when the older son turned eighteen, he stopped visitation and the younger one refused to continue. The younger brother met with the mediator that was appointed in the parenting plan, who then arranged supervised visitation. A child may feel safer when contact is supervised and can begin to develop a better relationship with that parent. Or, like in this case, the supervisor verified the verbal and emotional abuse when reporting back to the mediator. The court terminated parental contact when the son absolutely refused to go.
Contact between children and a narcissistic parent can be more successful if shorter in duration and perhaps no overnights. If the activities are mutually satisfying, such as participating in a sport or engrossing hobby, then the time spent together can be more enjoyable. They may like going to movies and concerts, which require less interactions.
Another strategy for pleasant contact is when visitation takes place at a family member’s or friend’s house. One narcissistic father with an alcohol problem, visits his young daughter at his own mother’s house. She spends one night a week there, often with cousins, and has dinner with dad. This arrangement is working out great and the narcissist is on his best behavior with his mum standing nearby.
Narcissistic Extension is when a parent tries to mold a child into someone whose achievements directly reflect back onto them. The parent expects to be praised regarding their offspring’s skills. The narcissistic parent sees the child as a part of themselves (extension). A kid may be pushed into a sport that draws more attention and fame, than one that does not. One boy wanted to play baseball for his school’s team, but his father refused to give permission. Instead, the son was made to continue with martial arts that gave more recognition with publicized tournaments.
Some narcissistic mothers of youngsters in beauty pageants see their girls as extensions of them. They bask in the admiration that surround these awards. A danger of having a narcissistic parent that controls a child, is that this child may go on to repeat this pattern in future relationships.
Co-parenting with a clinically diagnosed narcissist is doable when one does not get caught in a power struggle. Make sure the kids have support, whether with a therapist, divorce coach or trusted family friend. Keep monitoring the situation to confirm contact with this parent is going okay.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/
Podcast on narcissists soundcloud.com/divorcesux/divorcing-a-narcissist-ep009
Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist
A narcissist has an inflated sense of self and needs a constant stream of admiration. They cover up their low self-esteem by exaggerating their achievements. Their sense of entitlement enables them to feel unique and a cut above others. They crave the attention of the wealthy and powerful. Approximately 1.06% of the population is clinically narcissistic and more have traits of this personality disorder.
A Narcissist is the King in a game of chess, and every other piece around them is there to protect and to do their bidding.
Narcissists take advantage of others for their own ambitions, whether it is a spouse or co-worker. They are masters of manipulating vulnerable people and crushing their self-worth. A narcissist can turn on the charm and don the smiling mask, which is their public persona. These people become angry when others discover what they are really like behind this mask. One woman decided not to be an enabler anymore and play the adoring wife in public. Narcissists go to great lengths to preserve their public images, so her enraged husband left her. He was shocked when she quickly filed for divorce and did not crawl back.
They may go after the boss’s daughter or someone else who can assist their grandiose schemes. After the narcissist achieves their goal, then marital issues surface. Narcissists blame others, so view relationship problems as solely the fault of their spouse. They probably will refuse to go to marital counselling, since nothing is their fault, and they do not feel the need to change.
Tell your solicitor that your spouse is narcissistic, so she plan specific strategies. They routinely lie which makes divorce more challenging. Podcast on narcissists https://soundcloud.com/divorcesux/divorcing-a-narcissist-ep009
Divorce with a Narcissist or Sociopath
Both the Narcissist and Sociopath (anti-social personality disorder) are toxic people who are difficult to deal with during divorce. There are subtle differences between these two types of characters. The main point is a Narcissist craves attention and adoration. She has to be the star, whereas that is not the case with a Sociopath. A Narcissist will specifically seek out publicity and a Sociopath wants power over others. A Narcissist will have a position in a charity organization that is in the spotlight such as managing director. The Sociopath is more likely to be the one embezzling funds. The Narcissist desires being in the news and the Sociopath is flying under the radar avoiding that in order to carry out nefarious deeds.
Sociopaths do not have a conscience and their moral code is “do not get caught.” At a young age a Sociopath is apt to torture animals and torment those weaker than him. This child is charming to adults with exaggerated good manners as a smoke screen to disguise his true nature. They have a sense of entitlement and do not hesitate to trample upon anyone who gets in their way. Some of the financial executives who do inside trading and other illegal acts told the press that they did nothing wrong. In their eyes, this is correct.
Both manipulate others for their gain. They blame others when they make mistakes or life is not going as planned. They can ignore family or belittle spouses. Narcissists especially do not like it if a spouse rises up the career ladder and has a more important position. They do not want to share the spotlight. Sociopaths can have a volatile temper which is unpredictable and is especially scary for children.
Sociopaths may have their children join in their immoral or illegal activities.
. They watch pornography with their sons. Criminal families may bring the kids into the business at a young age. The youngsters participate in a shoplifting or burglary ring. In my area recently, three generations of several families were plying the drug trade together.
Narcissists use their kids as a way to garner more attention to themselves. They play the good parent role and march the children around the office to get praise. They see the kids as an extension of themselves and may insist that their kids follow in their footsteps. A former dancer may demand that her daughter does ballet. These parents want to bask in the admiration that surrounds their child. They want others to comment that the offspring is like their talented, beautiful, etc. parent.
In divorce, both personality disorders are capable of using the kids to get back at their other parent in retaliation. Since the Sociopath feels no remorse, they may be the more dangerous adversary. Be cautious of safety issues especially with a sociopath co-parent. Neither are good at negotiating since they want the whole pie. The Narcissists get through the divorce process better with lots of compliments and letting them feel like they are the star. With a Sociopath, emphasize maintenance and child support formulas to make it more impersonal. More drama and emotions can prolong divorce hearings. Having a divorce coach or therapist at least periodically check in with the children is prudent.
Both Narcissists and Sociopaths may act like they are the victim and you are the villain. They may charm your family members and end up with a few in their camp post-divorce. They are attempting to hurt you. My sons and I have said good riddance to the ones who sided with their father. Sociopaths particularly excel in power plays and want to dominate others. Consider avoiding doing battle with these people and stay out of their way if possible.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/
Podcast about narcissists vs sociopaths soundcloud.com/divorcesux/divorcing-a-narcissist-ep009
Being the recipient of “I want a divorce”
Hearing your spouse announce that she wants a divorce is unbelievable. What to do when you are informed that your spouse is leaving you. If you think you did not correctly hear what was said, ask for it to be repeated. Banish the impulse to throw the nearest piece of furniture at his head. An assault charge will not help your situation. My spouse’s female acquaintance suggested that I take all of his clothes and have a big bonfire in the backyard. Friends had more drastic ideas. Resist doing something in a rage, because that may impact your divorce proceedings.
Try to act calmly and feel free to ask the questions that pop into your head. “When did you decide upon this? Could we discuss this with a marriage counsellor first? Why did you not mention that you were unhappy? Are you seeing someone else and how long has it been?”
If your spouse asks you to move out of the marital home, refuse (except in an abuse situation). Check first with your solicitor (lawyer) about this, especially when children are involved. I stayed in our house through most of the divorce and my husband was required to pay the mortgage and I only paid the utilities. Your rent or monthly mortgage may be paid as part of the interim support. The person with a job or high income pays interim support in most cases.
If your spouse walks right out the door, go to the bank and withdraw some cash (no more than half) out of your joint account and save the receipt. You will require money for living expenses before meeting with a solicitor or mediator. Hopefully you have a credit card in your own name, because your spouse may promptly drop you as a co-signer on his card.
Ask around for an experienced family law solicitor/mediator and check online for more information regarding the person you select. This professional can get joint assets frozen if your spouse is apt to plunder funds.
You are in shock. Some people described this period as having an out of body experience. It was as if they were in a calm place not feeling any emotions, while their bodies were on autopilot doing necessary tasks. You may want to temporarily stay at your parents’ or friend’s place. Or after you spouse departs have someone stay with you particularly when there are children and pets at home.
I stumbled around Disneyland mumbling to strangers that my husband left me. Luckily these kind people were supportive to me in my zombie-like state. My sons and I later met with my friend’s family and I was showered with spa products. That gave me the nudge to nurture and pamper myself in this turbulent time. Allow people to do the same for you and accept their generosity. Gather your support system around you.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/
How to Let Go and Move On Post-Divorce
The secret to moving on after a divorce is to let go. It may sound simple, but can be difficult to accomplish. Trying to hold on to something to prevent the enviable (like a divorce) is a futile effort. After trying to fix a marriage, prevent divorce, and do all that we can, just let go. If a spouse is going to leave, they will. So letting go of the marriage can mean a better period is on the horizon. You do not have to agree with a situation (departing spouse), but accepting that what is happening is partly out of your control, allows you to start getting unstuck and moving on with life. Recognize what is out of your control during the divorce process.
Let go of the minutia and concentrate on the most important aspects of divorce, such as the division of assets. This will help you to let go of the small stuff and concentrate on what matters the most to you.
Some people choose to allow divorce to rule their thoughts and emotions. They do not let go of the marriage, their spouse, or how ugly the divorce process came to be. Their divorce plays like an endless loop in their heads. Notice how this type of bitter person, who cannot let go, drives others away. Whether it is a marriage, a job, or whatever that ends, let go so you can move on to something else.
Filling Up The Hole That Divorce Leaves:
Filling that void is important. The gap of a departing spouse and end of a marriage needs to be filled. One way of plugging up this hole is to pour oneself into work. Take the course you have been meaning to which will advance your career. Take on extra projects which will also help your finances. Distraction helps to ward off the feeling of emptiness.
If you are used to doing activities as a duo, then start reaching out to others. Spend more time with family and renew friendships. I joined MeetUp.com which is available globally, to meet other women. Going to luncheons or gossiping over lattes with new girlfriends keeps any feelings of loneliness at bay. Pursue former hobbies or new interests. You have let go of your old life and get busy starting your new one.
divorcedmoms.com/articles/moving-on-after-a-divorce-how-to-let-go
Men’s Divorce – The First Steps
What are the first few steps when hit with divorce news? When hearing that one’s wife wants a divorce, it is a blow that some guys even feel physically. Acknowledge that you are in shock and do not expect to make any rational decisions right away. It may feel like you are a robot going through the motions of daily life.
- Get some emotional support. Guys that I talked with said that they were too stoic – keeping a stiff upper lip. They did not know where to turn when they were numb with shock. Talk to a relative whom you feel close to and let them know you need to vent. This is not the moment to be on the receiving end of a lengthy list of tasks to do in divorce. Detailed divorce strategy comes later after you had time to process your feelings and to regroup. Maybe confide in a cousin or uncle because your parents may be in shock themselves.
- Reach out to others. This was the hardest thing to do, according to my male sources. They felt like they would be a burden to others or be perceived as weak if they mentioned their divorce woes. Go out for a pint with your mates and tell them what you are facing. Most likely they have pals who are divorced, if they are not themselves, and can clue you in on what to do next. Just expressing how you feel can take a weight off your shoulders. I guarantee that your wife has talked about getting a divorce with at least twenty girlfriends.
- Feeling like you are teetering on the brink of a breakdown is normal in divorce. Many have felt this way too, and we made it through our divorces with our sanity intact. Balance having alone time with interactions with friends. Men said it was easier to think about their situation and come up with solutions when they were in motion, such as running on the treadmill, or taking a walk. Exercise is important as a way to burn off anxiety and strong emotions while lowering stress hormones and getting your body back to a healthier place.
- Keep in mind that the divorce process is a continuum and one moves back and forth on it. One day you feel fine and the next one you may be despondent – then back to okay. Feeling good then backtracking to not so good is normal. Some parts of the divorce process itself are bumpy, which can affect your emotional state, such as figuring out shared care time with the children. When a divorce is going along smoothly, it can be disconcerting when it hits a snag. Be open to negotiation and getting the process back on track.Take it day to day and focus on what is at hand Worrying about the future is not going to help and instead use your energy on getting through the divorce. Take your time making decisions, such as with dividing assets. Take your divorce step-by step and you will get to the other side and be done with it.
Originally published in The divorce Magazine www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/