Fear Is A Stumbling Block In Divorce

Fear can be paralysing. In divorce. One can be hesitant to take a step in any direction. Afraid whatever move made will be wrong.  One is stuck in status quo and wants to stay in the same place. Movement is perceived as leaving the safety zone. Staying rooted in one spot only delays the inevitable, the divorce will be finalised at some point.  Not wanting to think about divorce during this process does not stop it. It makes it worse by dragging it out longer.

Hanging on to something out of fear, backfires

I hung on to the marital house during divorce. It prolonged the proceedings. It delayed the sale, since it needed some refurbishing before going on the market. We signed the divorce papers before the house sold. Our assets could not be split until the sale since the final number could not be determined at that point. Fear of not being able to get a loan for another one kept me clinging to the marital home.  The issue does not go away by ignoring or refusing to face it. Instead, it gets worse like cancer would if not delt with at the onset.

Knowledge is the antidote to fear

Perhaps it is fear of the unknown – the outcome of your divorce – which is keeping you rooted in one spot. Not knowing what lies ahead.  Ask your lawyer what is realistic.  Many have imagined a worst-case scenario which had no connection to what could really happen.   You may be pleasantly surprised what is a realistic expectation for dividing assets.

If scared about what financial future will be post-divorce, consider paying for a consultation with a financial advisor. Things most likely will not be as bleak as they seem.  They will get an idea of your situation and can reassure that you will not be destitute. This is what helped me to relax during my divorce. Also, this person can make helpful suggestions how to invest and make a budget.

Fear can keep you clinging to people who drain you

Better to be alone than being in the company of these energy vampires who suck the life right out of you. I dropped a few doom and gloom acquaintances who tried to predict a catastrophe during proceedings. Instead of being around those who escalate your fears, choose spending time with optimistic individuals who encourage you to see the positives.  This is the time to strengthen other relationships and make new friends who are supportive.

Dealing with Fear

Make a list of the top fears you are facing in divorce in one column. Next to them, write what can be taken to deal with them.  For example, for finances one could get a job or increase hours of a current one. One divorcing friend asked to clean our houses for a little extra cash.  Sell personal property. I sold presents from my mother, who put in writing that these had been mine alone. This included Waterford light fixtures. (Be careful not to sell joint property during proceedings).

Writing fears down is a way to overcome them. Get them from swirling around in your brain to being out in the open. A parent shines a light in the darkness when a child fears a monster is hiding under the bed. They see nothing is there. Or perhaps it is something that can easily be dealt with like a kitten playing with a toy under the bed.

Express fears to friends

Brainstorm together. Friends will give opinions how to get past your stumbling block, the fear holding you back. They may have faced it too in their divorce and have practical advice. Support is crucial in this turbulent time. Talking out your concerns and fear shares the load. You have a team on your side who will cheer you on.  After my friends had a good laugh over my financial fear, they quickly let me know it was out of line with reality.  I was relieved.

Whatever your fear is, talking to a knowledgeable expert in that field will give you accurate facts. You will be in control, instead of the fear controlling you.

Author Wendi Schuller has travelled to around seventy countries. She is a moving on coach who especially helps people getting back into dating after a break up or divorce https://globalguidetodivorce.com/shop/    https://globalguidetodivorce.com/coaching/

This was originally published in The Divorce Magazine  https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/