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Global Guide to Divorce Available at your local bookstore,  amazon US, amazon UK
Jack Jack the Cat

First Step When Dating After Divorce

It may be tempting after signing the divorce papers to jump back into the dating scene. Many people skip the first crucial step and then start dating the same type of person over again. What is this first step?  Do a self-assessment.

A self-assessment clarifies one’s needs, values, strengths and problem points. Be clear who you really are and what you are looking for in a relationship. Find yourself first before finding a new partner.  Someone who went straight from the parental home or dorm room into marriage may not have a good sense of self, merely being a reflection of their mate. Some people are like a fragment or piece of the puzzle and only feel complete when part of a couple. I call this serial dating when a person flits from relationship to relationship without a break for introspection. One thrice married woman was bemoaning being single again at age seventy-two, and wanted a new husband. Almost like any port in the storm would do.

When taking stock of yourself, analyse what went wrong in your relationship. It is imperative to take responsibility for your part in the demise of your marriage. Replace blame with forgiveness for your ex. Forgiveness severs the bond that keeps one tethered to a person or the past. Forgiveness is part of moving on after divorce before being in a relationship again. Forgive yourself and remember that hindsight is 20/20. We all make mistakes and these are life lessons.

After taking stock of your own qualities, determine the ones that you are seeking in someone else. Assess if you are being too picky – wanting the same qualities that you did eons ago in college. Someone looking like she stepped out of Sports Illustrated is unrealistic. Wanting a buff guy driving an expensive sports car is superficial. No one is going to tick all of the boxes on your date wish list. What traits do you have that can attract the type of mate that you desire? An acquaintance of mine said that in her AA group, they are told to make a list of the values and characteristics that they would want in a mate – and to be that person.  Read the full article…