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Global Guide to Divorce

Jack Jack the Cat

Dating

Online Dating Tips After Divorce

Statistics vary from 10% to 35% of marriages today are due to meeting one’s spouse from an online dating site. The higher range is from studies that are sponsored from the various dating sites themselves. Regardless, many people are successfully using this method to meet their life partners.

  • Do expect some disappearing acts. One will meet wonderful, charismatic dates whom seem like candidates for long-term relationships. Then they utter the words reminiscent of uni days, “I’ll be in touch.” He or she does not call or answer any texts. If one is finally able to catch them, they are vague and say “no” to a future date. You never find out what happened.
  • Do not take a first date to your flat, or give out personal contact information. 29 year old Sharon Siermans met a man on a dating site in Australia, who seemed kind. They arranged to meet in a public area. After seeing him in the flesh, he gave her the creep and she did not want to be seen with him. Grabbing a quick cup of coffee and terminating the date would have been more prudent than bringing him back to her house for a quick snack. She avoided him and refused more dates, which angered this fellow. The news reported that he went back to Siermans’ house at a later date and murdered her. The extra sad part is that her four year old son, Aron, witnessed this horrific act. If you meet someone and your red flags go up – terminate the date quickly without mentioning personal information. One way to do this, is to nip into the loo and arrange for a friend to call you in ten minutes.
  • Do not expect a dating site to vet out undesirables. Jason Dinsley, who murdered Sharon Siermans, had been in jail for a vicious rape and that was why he had been absent from the dating scene. Before the internet, one met other people’s co-workers, neighbors, third cousins, and so forth. Then these dates came with a known background. When I was at uni, my pals and I were into recycling. When we went out with perfectly lovely guys – that just were not our type-we passed them along to worthy friends with recommendations.
  • Keep your profile realistic with a recent photo.       Please read more   www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/online-dating-profiles/

Group Dating After Divorce

After a hiatus of a few decades – it is challenging to jump back into the dating scene post-divorce. Dating expectations have changed and our svelte figures have morphed into middle-aged bodies. There are a plethora of options in meeting potential mates which can be a bit overwhelming. What is a simple way to dip your toe into the dating pool without totally plunging in? Group Dating.

Group dating is a recent global trend that makes it less daunting to meet new people. Conversing in a group setting takes the pressure off feeling being judged. Remember the laughs back in high school and college when you went out in a mixed group? It was enjoyable whether or not you ended up with someone. Group dating is the grown-up equivalent of this activity.

In London and spreading elsewhere, there is “Six Dinners Later.” After getting on the site’s guest list, a profile is uploaded. This is a fun one which includes favorite dishes and who would be an ideal dinner companion. Then one waits until invited to a dinner party by another member at his or her house for potluck. There are three members of each gender at these gatherings. The next step is that one gives a dinner party at their place and includes the former host. You would pick four others from the site to attend. After one attends these “six dinners” they will have met 25 people. This gives the chance to meet new pals as well as potential dates.

In the US a variation on this theme of group dating is “Grouper.” One does a short profile on this dating site and Grouper also checks Facebook to ensure compatible matches for get-togethers. Two people are matched up and they each bring two single friends along with them. This is a little different from “Six Dinners Later” where you totally do not know anyone. The six people are contacted with a date, place and time. A fee is collected that covers the first round of drinks. Sometimes the whole bar will be reserved for “Grouper” members and the host will bring people to the correct tables. Having two buddies with you makes for a fun night whether there are fireworks or not.

In the Atlanta area, Singles for Service is a free dating site that combines community service projects with dating. This gives people a way to see other’s more authentic selves when they are helping others. It also serves to enable singles to meet other singles with a similar area of interest. Singles for Service claims to bring “quality singles together.”

MeetUp.com is an international organization with various groups, including singles’ ones. Other groups are according to special interests, such as hiking. Even if not in a specific single’s group, one can meet many fascinating people in the other ones. The MeetUp.com group I am in, gets together for coffees, lectures and so many other activities.

Excerpt from Group Dating Post-Divorce in Divorce Magazine

Getting Back into Dating Post-Divorce

It can be scary getting back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. Work on your own issues first before getting into a new relationship. One’s self-esteem may be close to non-existent after a toxic marriage. One woman I know dated right after the ink was dry on her divorce decree. She equated sleeping around with a slew of men as being popular and these relationships were short-lived. She got a reality check during therapy and now opts for quality over quantity regarding men.

Before You Date Again:

Write down what you are looking for in a future partner:

Ethics, values, kindness, interests and so forth are important in any relationship they are especially important in men you want to date. What is a deal breaker for you? Do an intake of what you have to offer someone else and see if these qualities are similar to what you are seeking in someone else.

Ask trusted friends for an honest assessment of your behavior to see if you have anything which is annoying or off-putting. One of my friends laughs like a hyena, I suggested she tone it down. And I had to suggest to another that she close her mouth when she chews. These are little things but may influence a guy not to want a second date.

Be specific about the kind of man you want to meet in your profile:

Have an accurate profile and be very specific what you are looking for in a partner. Use your intuition to weed out the nutjobs. It may be worth the extra money to go to a professional matchmaking service who does extensive personality testing and background checks. They do personal interviews to ensure compatibility right from the start. This saves time and effort when zeroing in on just the right guy. Please read more…. divorcedmoms.com/articles/4-suggestions-for-those-dating-again-after-divorce

Dating Scene – How to Tell the Good Ones from the Bad Ones

Post-divorce you may be stepping back into the dating scene with some trepidation. The rules seemed to have changed and the phrase, “He just isn’t that into you” is floating around in your head. Now you meet someone who seems like a dream and adores you. That is wonderful, or is it? Here are eight tips for differentiating the good date from the bad date. These tips are pertinent for both genders,

1. A good dating partner takes their time getting to know someone and a bad one may push for a commitment right away. A relationship is not a race from the starting line to the finish (marriage). A good partner wants to get to know you too in order to determine if you are marriage material. If someone is pressuring you for nuptials quickly, then wonder why. Is there some dark secret lurking in the background that you are not to discover until too late?

2. A good dating partner lets you go out with friends and family while a not so good one has to always know your whereabouts. She will contact you frequently to see where you are and whom you are with, to make sure it is with the guys. This type of person may start to insert themselves into your social plans, even when just out with some pals. It was awkward when a friend’s fiancé did this and she and I lost contact soon after her wedding. This controlling behavior may escalate after getting married into emotional abuse. Some newlyweds become isolated from friends and family or only visit when the spouse is present.

3. A good date is respectful to all and treats those in the service industry the same as a CEO. They do not belittle anyone for faults, ethnic/religious differences, or for any other reason. They are a good citizen, may volunteer or help people/animals in some way. The bad one makes fun of underlings or folks different from them as the butt of  “jokes.” They loudly comment on the perceived shortcomings of others within hearing distance. One divorced woman tells that she knew divorce was in the future when her spouse told a rape “joke” and did not get what was wrong with that.
divorcedmoms.com/articles/8-ways-to-know-whether-you-are-dating-a-good-guy-or-a-bad-guy

Red Flags When Dating Again After Divorce

One may have gotten through a traumatic divorce and is now on the path to recovery. Perhaps a stint in therapy gave insight on how to avoid repeating the same relationship patterns that contributed to the demise of the marriage. A charming suitor enters your life and is breaking through your barriers. How does one differentiate between someone who is potentially dangerous from a soul mate?

  • Trust your gut feeling. What is your initial reaction to this person? Are you comfortable or a tad uneasy? Your subconscious is screaming at you that something is not right, and a bit off. Things do not quite synchronize, actions vs explanations. It is easy to give someone the benefit of doubt a few times. When this becomes a pattern, then it is a red flag. Does he seem caring, yet you feel like pulling back, but are trying to analyze why? Listen to your body, are you tense, but not sure of the cause? When you have an unsettling feeling, then investigate the cause of it.
  • The new relationship moves too quickly and becomes intense. One may rationalize that it is love at first sight, but that is still not a reason to move from just meeting someone to becoming a tight couple.  We may have lost self-esteem in our marriage and here is a person who thinks we are absolutely wonderful. Some very charming individuals are cons who prey on vulnerable people. Whether they are conning elderly out of life-long savings, or on the verge of proposing, they are after something.  In retail, the saying, “If it seems too good to be true, then it is” also applies to dates. If someone seems too perfect and just what you need, take your time in getting to know that person. If it is love, they will not rush you into a situation that you are not ready to be in.
  • When one’s friends and family are asking if you have taken leave of your senses that is a major clue that something is not right with your new partner. Are you getting angry with the negative feedback from loved ones or really listening to unanimous lack of approval? Put your feelings and ego aside and determine just what their uneasiness is about regarding your new girlfriend.
  •   Please read more… blogsondivorce.com/red-flags-when-dating-again/

Serial Dating Post-Divorce

It may be tempting to jump into a new relationship while on the rebound. Instead, stop and take stock of yourself. Are you truly recovered from your divorce or do you fear loneliness? It is important to differentiate between being alone and loneliness. One can live alone, yet have a full social life and career. Fear of being alone can include getting sick without someone around, financial concerns, and not wanting to dine or attend social events alone. Some folks indicated that being married ensures an escort when needed.

It can be daunting to face issues of self and easier to be a mirror of one’s mate. Some see themselves as a fragment and the relationship as the whole. They are not complete unless part of a duo. One can lose the sense of self in relationships which can be a comfort for those who do not want to face their flaws. A way of not dealing with foibles is to limit time between relationships. So many people interviewed told stories of family and friends who flit from relationship to relationship. These serial daters were more apt to cancel plans with friends to accommodate their mates.

Some people go right from college or their parents’ homes into marriage without discovering who they are and what makes them tick. They may be apprehensive about being on their own post-divorce and want to enter into another relationship quickly. Mabel is one example of this. At 17 she got married and had a baby a year later. Mabel became a young widow after child number two and had adequate support. She quickly became involved with a sociopath and that marriage lasted a little over ten years. Right after her divorce, she met and married a nice fellow. Now widowed in her late seventies, Mabel is unhappy about not being able to find another husband.

Having low expectations can lead to being a doormat. Relationships compliment people and are not first aid for low self-esteem. Do not marry a copy of your former partner, especially when there was abuse. A life coach or therapist can assist one who feels unloved by family and feels the need to always be in relationships to compensate for this.

Tips for Those Who Fear Loneliness

  • A quiet flat can compound loneliness. Consider adopting a pet or being a temporary foster parent to a cat or dog.
  • My divorced mum would have the radio or telly on during the evenings. It was like having company without the work,
  • Join MeetUp.com as I did. I am in a Women’s Transition group that meets for lattes, gallery shows and other fun activities. My divorced pal is in the hiking group.
  • Get out and meet people to enlarge your social network. I volunteer one morning a week for a cat rescue group, cleaning cages, feeding and cuddling the cats. Join a book club or other group.
  • Reconnect with old friends. Spend more time with family.
  • Change your work schedule if a certain time of day is more difficult to be home alone.
  • Discover new interests. I took up Tai Chi and Qigong post-divorce.

Serial dating is not a quick fix for a broken heart.

Originally published in The Divorce Magazine thedivorcemagazine.co.uk