When A Relationship Ends Abruptly – What To Do
One can go into full-blown shock when the other person abruptly ends your relationship. Even if there were a few hints something was amiss, it is still a shock. Hard to believe this is happening. As far as the other person is concerned, there is not much you can do. If they made up their mind to break it off, it is done.
Harder when the decision was made and you were not notified. You see then at work, a social event, their musical gig, whatever and find out at the same time as everyone else. They may take great pains to ignore you. Maybe are dramatic and turn their back if you get nearby. Not cool when done publicly at a gathering.
Of course, you would like an explanation and not be playing guessing games in your head. This may never happen. It is difficult when there are loose threads. In both cases – whether you got an explanation or were ghosted – closure is needed. Easier to move on when there is a clear-cut ending in your mind.
Accept what happened is final. Wishing for a reunion keeps you attached to them and is it not going to happen. You are wasting time and energy on this fantasy. This mental connection prevents one from moving on.
The big thing about an abrupt ending is not having closure. Since there is no communication, you cannot be sure if it was something you did or if got dropped for a new love interest. One is left hanging. If someone is upset that should be discussed. If a boundary was crossed into a no-go area, then at least you would understand why there is an ending. It is childish for them to do silence.
Emotionally getting through this situation
Spend a day really feeling your grief. Cry, wail, scream, curse or whatever else you feel needs expressing. You are experiencing a loss, a death of a relationship. Concentrate on dealing with it being over. Later as time moves on, you can appreciate the fun times. You got some life lessons from this episode.
Rally your support system around you. Call or go out with friends. Talk it out with them. Have some fun. Try a new café.
Get out in nature. Take walks in leafy areas. Exercise releases pent up energy and anxiety. One feels better after a run when the endorphins are increased. Getting a physical work out calms nerves and helps one be able to deal with this situation.
What to do or not do
Do not contact them no matter how tempting it is to text or call. This is giving them power to reject you again.
If they call, do not answer it. Go ahead and listen to their message later, if you want. If a text is sent, do not respond. If you cannot resist, then say “I accept that you ended our relationship. I am moving on now.”
They may beg for a second chance and promise to change. That would be short-lived and the disrespect would creep back in again. If they were really into you, this would not have happened in the first place.
There is a void – empty space inside of you from their departure. Fill it up. When one removes a dead tree, they do not leave a big hole. It is filled in with a plant or something else. Plant something else inside of you. Take up a new activity. Join a MeetUp.com group and expand your social network.
Getting into a new environment can help. You are not running into them or dealing with as many triggers. Travel to an enticing destination on your bucket list. The point is not to allow them to dwell in your head.
Ending a relationship abruptly is disrespectful and not valuing you. Do you really want a relationship where you are not cherished and it is all about them? No!! You deserve much more. Move on to someone who will appreciate you.
Situationship – Being In The Middle Ground When Dating
Do you feel you are neither in the friend zone or in the romantic one? Confused about what is happening in your relationship – or even if you are in one? You are caught in the middle ground which is called situationship.
What are the signs of situationship?
Lack of commitment
It is being in a relationship without commitment. People go out together – even exclusively – and there does not seem to be a future. Spontaneity is fun. Great to do things on the spur of the moment. It keeps life exciting, unless this is how it is always. These people usually do not make plans ahead of time. Cannot commit to a date next week. When plans are made for a later time, they often bow out. The future is not mentioned. It is one thing to live in the moment, another to be stuck there., They use the word “sometime.” “Would you like to go dancing/hiking (whatever) sometime?” You answer with an enthusiastic “Yes” and nothing is planned. The future is not discussed.
In regular dating relationships, there is forward movement. Although one person may go at a slower pace, the relationship still progresses. In situationship – it is on standstill.
Lack of commitment shows up in other areas. It may seem like you both are getting closer: talking in depth about your pasts, career goals and so forth. When you start intimating more contact, they step backwards. It is a dance which they want to lead. People in situationship do not want to be pinned down. They crave their freedom, yet still have someone they can call when feel like going out. It is a way to avoid closeness which can lead (in their minds) to dating drama.
Inconsistency
What is frustrating is the inconsistency – you may go out several times in one week, and nearly a month, goes by before the next date. There is no agenda or routine schedule. There is little or no contact between dates. These individuals rarely initiate a text. They can be good at responding., which is easier than generating one. They may answer in minutes and later take days to respond.
You are doing most of the work in this relationship. Phone calls may only be when they have not heard from you in a while and are asking you out at the last minute. Tone of texts can be flirty or almost rude. Hard to figure out where you stand in this relationship.
Incongruity between body language and words
In situationship where you are is undefined. The verbal may be incongruent with the non-verbal (actions). Warm kisses on the lips, or even sex, do not go with their behaviour. They do not go out regularly with you and are silent between dates. They snuggle with you in booths, give plenty of hugs and kisses and throw in some complements. This can be refereed to as crumbs. Enough to keep you interested, but not a main course. They are treating you romantically while saying you are “Just Friends.”
It is confusing when their friends seem to think you are a couple or ask you how long the two of you have been dating. Hard to answer when not really knowing if this is considered dating. Perhaps you like their friends and are part of the other’s inner circle.
What to do
Have a discussion of your needs and expectations. Express what you are feeling, “I’m into you – very attracted.” Let them respond, pause as long as it takes to get an answer. In one case, the man’s reply was “I am not ready to take this further.” Yes, vague, but something. She is not sure if that means for this entire decade or for the next few months. Communication is important in situationship.
When being told you are “just friends” for many months, consider dating again when an opportunity arises. This can help you become less fixated on the situationship which is going nowhere.
Questions to ask yourself
Are you getting anything out of it?
Are you better with or without them?
The answers help determine if you want to enjoy the relationship for what it is or if it is time to move on. People’s self-worth can be negatively affected, particularly if they feel there is a flaw within themselves. People coming out of a toxic marriage may feel they are not worthy of anything more and accept what is happening. Be aware of your mental health, and if feeling depressed or anxious, think about making an exit. Keep in mind, you are in a situationship because of the other person, not you. They are fearful, have a traumatic history, attachment disorder, or whatever it is.
One example where it does work out is this. A woman in a situationship with a musician, realized she enjoys going to his gigs and dancing. She has fun going out for pizza periodically in-between times. She decided to stay with the man, but start dating again. She has had several dates so far, and life is fun and fulfilling for her. There is no right or wrong answer, it is what ever is best for you.
Tips For Making A Long-Distance Dating Relationship Work
Long-distance dating relationships can be challenging. Easier to keep the passion high when you can call up your partner and say “Hey, come right over.” Long-distance requires planning, not spontaneity. Many people who have been through these types of relationships, say it was worth the separation. Being sure of each other’s commitment got them through this period.
Long-distance take extra effort to keep them alive. One person might be doing more in the reaching out and this can become frustrating. Logistics have to be factored in, who is travelling and who is not. It is one thing when in the same locale, to decide who pays. Quite another when getting together requires serious money. An example is Harry, who moved and had a six-year long-distance relationship. He resented paying 100% of transportation costs for them both. No give and take financially. Eventually Harry thought about how in other areas of their relationship he was his doing most of the work. Although relationships are rarely 50-50, there has to be somewhat of a balance.
People in long-distance relationships mention how getting together in short bursts is more like being in Disneyland. Fantasy vs reality. It is like being on a holiday, doing fun activities. While this may be fine for some, others want a relationship on a deeper level.
People brought up that they missed or ignored red flags in a long-distance relationship. They concentrated on having fun instead. They dealt with the cracks when these could no longer be ignored. A local relationship could have been patched up or ended sooner. Nip problems in the bud before they get huge. Your partner is not a mind reader, so bring them up.
The Pros
Distance allows commitment to be gradual. One is more conscious of it and makes a choice instead of falling into it. You decide to be a couple and less likely to take the other person for granted. When dating in town, one can fall into a pattern. On Friday night we do this, on Sunday we go out for brunch. When living in different locales, one is not in a predictable schedule or rut.
Being apart forces one to build a stable foundation. The relationship may be moving at a slower pace. One man said there are less triggers to get to him in his long-distance relationship as are in past local ones. He also said that they met on different levels before initiating physical intimacy. One was getting to know each other spiritually. They did not jump into bed right away, as what happens when dating locally. He feels they really got to know each other first before having sex.
Tips for making it work
Communication is imperative. Be conscious of word choice. Are they expressing your intention and exact emotion? Easier to give a more ambiguous communication when not done in person. Emails and texting can seem blunt without vocal quality.
Be aware of your own emotions
Other emotions can come through subconsciously with communication such as hostility or resentment. If you are angry, disappointed, then express them using “I” statements. “I feel hurt when you take several days to answer a text.” Be direct and not sarcastic.
Keep in touch, even if a quick text “Thinking of you. Hope your day is great.”
If becoming serious, discuss where to live together. A US man with a girlfriend in Norway, advises finding neutral territory to settle. They are looking for a city which fits both of their needs. Others may want to move to a place where one of them lives, especially if that person has children. Some couples live in different loculations indefinitely and spend time blocks together. One couple does six weeks together and six weeks apart. This is working fine. Discuss if there is a time table for when living together. Or, if commuting is desirable for you both.
Flexibility is a plus in a long-distance relationship
Here is an example with a happy ending. Matthew and Elizabeth became a couple when they attended university. Matthew went on to law school and Elizabeth studied to be an ophthalmologist in different cities. She had internships in various places during the summer months when Matthew did not have law school. He stayed with her during that time for three years. Elizabeth managed to get one in Matthew’s hometown. They got together at other times during the year. The long-distance part of their relationship for lasted three years. They are blissfully married with two children. When a couple is committed to make it work, it can.
Relationship PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Portrait Of Young Shy Couple Sitting On Sofa At Home
Trauma from past relationships affects a current one. The person may do the hot/cold dance – wanting to get closer, yet afraid of being burned again. Not only is relationship PTSD traumatic for the individual, but also to the other in the relationship. The person with PTSD can be afraid to acknowledge even to themselves, deep feelings – as this has led to heartbreak previously.
UK ‘s National Health Service (NHS) defines PTSD as an “anxiety disorder caused by very stressful or distressing events.” People with PTSD have high levels of stress hormones. When danger is perceived, the body produces adrenaline to trigger the fight or flight reaction. “People with PTSD have been found to continue to produce high amounts of fight or flight hormones even when there is no danger.”
How PTSD Manifests
In relationships, the person may bolt when things are getting serious. They are okay at the beginning – the Getting To Know You stage. When simple requests/demands are voiced by their dating partner, it can be overwhelming. “Do I stay and face a risk of rejection (whatever the trigger is)?” This person dances into a relationship, then dances right out again. Or keeps the partner at an arm’s length. You might be kept in the friend zone or friends with benefits one without a commitment.
The individual with relationship PTSD can be self-medicating with either drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or all three. This is to numb themselves and tamp down emotions. It feels more comfortable to put up an emotional blockade around themselves. If they are like a zombie, then there is no opening for trauma to sneak in. This is a faulty protection mechanism which is harmful to relationships. Insomnia is another problem for those with this PTSD. Some get flashbacks whether or not in a new relationship.
A person with dating PTSD is trying to avoid being hurt again. Also tries to avoid repeating patterns which led to the trauma -being left behind and heartbreak. The Lehigh Center for Clinical Research in Allentown, PA, USA states “Avoidance is a common symptom of PTSD. If you avoid communicating with your partner about important matters such as your feelings, because building a wall to protect yourself is easier, then you may be suffering from PTSD from your last toxic relationship.”
One man, Peter, had three traumatic dating relationships in a row and developed PTSD, complete with flashbacks. He opted not to date for 10 years. He became an alcoholic trying to deal with this trauma. Attending AA meetings gave him support dealing with his life. Now he is living with a fabulous woman.
What to do when dating a survivor of PTSD
- Go Slowly.
- Be Patient
- Learn when to pull back. They may crawl into their cave when the relationship is getting too intense.
- Give them space. They not initiate contact for a few weeks.
- Allow time to build a firm foundation. Then they can begin to trust you bit by bit.
It is a delicate balancing act
Pushing to get closer scares them away. Too little leaves them guessing if you are about to do a runner, which may have led to PTSD from previous relationship. Consider sending a short, to the point text “How is your day going?” or when something notable occurs. “I didn’t get the job” or “My short story won a prize.” Responding is easier than generating a text.
Have a full life
When you are busy, your mind is focused on these activities and less likely to be dwelling on the frustration of this dating relationship. You are more interesting and enticing when you do get together. They can laugh and wonder what antics/classes/events you are up to next. Your full life gives fuel for conversations. Taking improv acting classes, having fun at karaoke an d so forth, helps you seem different from previous dating partners where trauma occurred,
You may have to accept their pattern of being there and then backing away. No one can change another person. One can express needs with “I” statements. “I need you to text or call at least once a week.” “I want to get together at least every other week.”
Questions to ask yourself
- Are you getting frustrated with the dance backwards and forwards?
- Are you getting something out of the relationship?
- Are the good times outweighing the disappearing act?
- Are you feeling secure in the relationship?
- Are you both able to discuss personal history, problems, worries, etc?
- Are they focused on you when you are speaking?
- How strongly do you feel about them? In love? Or is it lust or merely a fascination?
Your dating partner is operating from fear. Fear is their reality. They are looking for indications that they may be mistreated again. You may be able to slowly build trust and have a successful relationship. Communication is imperative. Give it your all, and then if you need to bail, you know you did everything that you could. There is hope that after a bumpy start, your relationship can be successful.
Guide For Dealing With Tricky Dating Situations After a Break Up Or Divorce
Dating again after divorce can seem like one is back in high school with the drama it can entail. One may have forgotten what it is like to have a crush on someone and hope that they feel the same way too. Or you feel like running in the opposite direction from an individual, when there is zero interest on your part for a date. Do not feel coerced into going on a date, as you do not owe them anything. Same with going on a date out of pity. You could get tangled up in a mess when trying to break free down the road.
Have some stock phrases ready for turning someone down. When there was a frequent customer at work on the verge of asking me out, I bounced a few ideas off my girlfriends on how to say “no.” Asking me out did not catch me off guard and I turned him down, kindly, but firmly.
If on the fence about going out with someone, have a coffee date. You arrive separately and can talk for two hours if you hit it off, or make a hasty retreat if you do not. There is less pressure in this casual setting. Friends who meet people on Tinder revealed that their first date or two are over lattes. One can get a sense of character over the short time span. A friend was asked out by a well-travelled, intelligent fellow. They had much in common and he insisted on a coffee get-together the following week. When she explained that she had houseguests to entertain before work, he said since the coffeeshop was next door to her place of employment he would be there waiting. He hoped she could make it. She did not like that he felt her time should be spent with him rather than with her guests. She was glad to have only had a quick coffee with tis controlling man, instead of a long evening
A painful part of dating is when only one party feels a strong attraction and the other does not. It is a delicate dance whether or not to share that you are attracted to them. The other person may reveal that they also feel a spark. Or they may look like a deer caught in the headlights with a look of fright on their face. When someone states that they want the relationship as friends only, accept it. You are not going to change how they feel about you. It can be tempting to think “Well, if I lose weight/whiten my teeth/ take up tennis (or whatever), they will find me irresistible.” In this case it is clear that dating is not on the horizon. Think about if you can have a platonic relationship with your crush or if it is better to cut ties and move on.
One may not be aware that they are giving off mixed signals which can be confusing. An example is, two male friends told me to stop wearing rings on my wedding finger. When I protested that the jewellery was ethnic looking, they said “yes, up close, but from across a room they look like wedding rings on that finger. That keeps a guy from approaching you. Or you don’t want the men who are only interested in married women.” This goes for men too. A woman sees the flash of silver or gold on the wedding finger and assumes it is a wedding band.
Potential dates talk and compare notes. My male hairdresser says his female customers routinely complain about going to venues and not getting asked to dance. These women say the first guy or two who approached them to dance was too fat, too skinny, bald etc. so they declined. No one else came near. Other men notice when women say “no” and leave them alone. Guys tell their buddies that those ladies do not want to be bothered. Get up and dance with those less than perfect guys so you appear approachable.
I was about to break up with a long-time boyfriend when a guy I worked with asked me out. I wanted to date him, however was not yet available. Instead of being truthful about my situation and that that I was interested in dating a bit later, I said an abrupt “no.” He never asked again. When single again, a married male buddy confided that this doctor told the rest of them not to ask me out. Again, word gets around.
Listen to your intuition when someone seems a bit off or a situation does not seem right. Take your time getting to know an individual and dating will go more smoothly.
Early Warning Signs Of A Potential Abuser
There are early warning signs that you are in a relationship with a potential abuser. After divorce, one may have joined an online dating site and now has a string of first and second dates. While people put their best foot forward and hide their darker side – it is still possible to catch a glimpse of who that person really is. One may feel it is love at first sight, however if something does not quite seem right, put the brakes on. Trust your gut instinct. Your subconscious is screaming at you to back away when these signs of a potential abuser appear:
- Are they disrespectful to anyone? While no one agrees completely with another, people can agree to disagree in a respectful way. When a date treats others callously so early in a relationship, this is bound to get worse. This may include name calling or derogatory labels. If women are called obscene terms, hit the road.
- Are they controlling? They want to plan your social life and dictate whom you may see. They may tell one how to dress or where they can go. They want their dating partner to get their permission to do various activities.
- Potential abusers excel at using sarcasm with little jabs at others. They may mock what you say. They make “jokes” at your expense and say you are “too sensitive” if you are hurt or object. They are critical and judgemental. There do put downs which may begin in private and progress to belittling you in front of family and friends.
- They are possessive which may seem flattering at first. One can mistake this for affection, when really it means you are their property. For example, a person may keep their arm permanently attached to you in a group setting. Instead of love, it can be marking their territory. They may call multiple times of day to check up on you.
- They are jealous of your relationships and may attempt to isolate you from others. In some cases, the person is jealous of their date’s children. They resent the time the parent spends with their kids and competes for attention. These potential abusers want to be the centre of the universe and get upset when forced to share their date.
- They blame you for their bad mood or blame others for any misfortunes. They cannot handle feedback that points to any mistakes they have made.
- The biggest sign is that they have violent behaviour which may not necessarily be directed at you. They start with a small action at first, such as throwing a book across the room in rage. It progressively increases in intensity, such as hitting the couch near you, or tossing your possession at something. It is only a matter of time before you become the target of physical abuse. It is so important to get out of this relationship immediately and not listen to any excuses. Leave after the first violent act and not wait until you become the punching bag.
This true case illustrates several points mentioned above. Violet dated a medical student from a fantastic family. Ken appeared to be loving and caring, yet a few things bothered her. He blamed others for his mistakes or said they were wrong when his discrepancies came to light. He belittled Violet in front of others and her mum begged her to leave him. She did not. Right before her trip abroad, Violet asked Ken to drive her to a store to get some cosmetics. He refused –saying he did not want her to look pretty for other men. Then he gave her a prominent hickey on her neck which was very visible.
When Violet returned, Ken put a fist through a door inside her flat. Shortly after that he threw her shoe at the wall, which resulted in a hole. The violence scared her and she realized what would be happening next. Violet realized she had given Ken too many chances and promptly broke up with him. A few years later an acquaintance revealed that Ken married and got divorced the next year. She knew why.
It is easy to fall into the trap of listening to excuses and giving extra chances as Violet did. When any act of violence occurs – no matter how small – end the relationship.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Dating a Narcissist – Part 2
After being out of the dating pool for a decade or so, post-divorce it can be tempting to give an individual the benefit of doubt for erratic behaviour. One may wonder if things have changed in the dating world, or is it just them. It can be difficult to ascertain when a new partner has a personality disorder. Whether a person is a full-blown clinically diagnosed Narcissist – or shares a few of those traits – there are clues that someone is bad news.
- If there are problems in your relationship, are they willing to work on them? Narcissists do not seek out therapy since it is the other person’s fault that the relationship is deteriorating. Narcissists may begin therapy when pressured, but drop out fairly quickly. They do not want to see their flaws or contribution to a floundering relationship. They are not going to exert any effort for a change nor try to understand your viewpoint and needs.
- Sense of entitlement. Narcissists feel they deserve special treatment – the best restaurant table, hotel upgrade to a suite, place of honour and so forth. They want special consideration from others and bask in adoration. Narcissists will trample on family and friends to save face or get what they want. They are very in to materialism.
- Narcissists perceive themselves as experts. You name it – they will know all there is on that subject. A young woman received her degree in philosophy, yet a narcissistic man working in security initiated a discussion to show off his brilliance. Although he was clearly off the mark on a philosopher, he bragged about winning the “debate.” He regularly spouts nonsense to the staff and gets belligerent when facts conflict with his views. Watch out if your new beau is Mr. Know-It-All or your girlfriend always has to be right. They get furious when others disagree with them or catch their discrepancies.
- Is your new partner extremely competitive with you – even when your careers are vastly different? Narcissists crave fame and do not tolerate you sharing their spotlight. When a partner moves up the career ladder, garnishes praise or wins professional awards, this can be threatening to a Narcissist. They want the attention with a date in the background. One may be on the receiving end of putdowns concerning their abilities and stating achievements are due to luck. I sometimes socialized with an acquaintance, who was an excellent nurse, and with her husband. He would criticise her and this was awkward for the rest of us. After their divorce, Clare stated that her ex was a Narcissist and she had reached the breaking point. Disrespect towards you is a red flag that this is not a healthy relationship.
Narcissists want power over others. They are the puppeteers who pull the strings so others do their bidding. Your new date is controlling which can initially be mistaken for seemingly to be in love. The old Rolling Stones’ song “Under my Thumb” describes this controlling behaviour and lack of a cooperative partnership.
Narcissists attempt to steal centre stage from others. For example, when a person told a joke or humorous story, one Narcissist would quickly add his sentence to the end of it, right before people started laughing. His lame one-liner was not relevant to what the jokester had previously said. We were not fooled and were not laughing over the Narcissist’s addition. A Narcissistic date may try to top your or other people’s adventures in a conversation. They have to come out on top.
Relationships are not exactly 50/50, but if yours is 90/10 in their favour, then something is amiss. Are your needs and desires being lost in the background while their every whim is being met? Remember, a relationship does not consist of a dictator and follower. If yours is beginning to feel that way, then talk it over with a trusted friend or professional.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/
Podcast on narcissists https://soundcloud.com/divorcesux/divorcing-a-narcissist-ep009
Signs You are Dating a Narcissist
Narcissists can be charming people who are the centre of attention. The spotlight shines on them and it can be enticing to be their date. They crave admiration for their overinflated egos. Something may seem a bit off, but then one thinks,” must be my imagination” since they are the focus of an adoring crowd. Here are some signs your new partner is a Narcissist:
- Lack of empathy. These individuals do not get how others feel and are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They do not comprehend another’s viewpoint. They may appear callous and could care less about the plight of people or animals. While they may volunteer or work at a charity, it is because they garnish attention and are in the limelight. It is not because of a desire to make the world a better place. If you are upset or want to discuss a problem, they show no support.
- Narcissists have an unrealistic sense of importance. The topic of conversation will be about them and their perceived achievements. Some of this is embellished or outright lies whether on a CV or about awards which were never really received. When caught in lies about false accomplishments, they have a plausible cover story or attack the accuser. Narcissists put others down who are perceived competitors, especially when others win awards. They are not team players and can view co-workers as obstacles to their success. See if you can talk about yourself, or if the conversation bounces right back to them.
- They are social climbers who exploit others to help them move up to more elite social circles. They are rude and dismissive to those who cannot advance their careers or social standing, such as wait staff, sales clerks and so forth. See how staff is treated to get a true picture of someone. They will turn the charm on like a faucet when they desire a perk – airline seat upgrade, discount, prominent table in a restaurant, for example. They may make “jokes” (really insults) about those who seem worthless. They tear others down in order to build themselves up.
- Their lives are about being seen. Yes it is fun to go to the latest clubs, restaurants and high profile events, however your role is to be arm candy. That gets old. Narcissists can exhibit hostility to those who do not give them the praise and adulation which they think they deserve. When not given the red carpet treatment, they can get nasty and belittle others.
Narcissists may not be that interested in meeting your family and friends. They make a charming first impression and then feel that they did their part. They are not going to be going to your mums for weekly Sunday roasts or chilling out with your gran watching Coronation Street. They will not be helping your parents with DIY projects or doing deeds that do not directly benefit them. They may seem bored or distant when out with your friends.
When dating, there is give and take in relationships. With a Narcissist as a partner, there is an imbalance with them doing the taking. They may be using you, such as asking for money right away. If you have a crisis or illness, is your partner a source of compassion and support? If having a problem, can you talk it through with your partner? Are you with someone who can just listen? If no, get some feedback from friends and family.
Cannot tell you how many folks I interviewed who chose not to listen to their friends’ warnings and said they could have avoided getting divorced if they had. If feeling confused, consider talking with a dating or life coach to ensure you are on the right track.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/
Podcast on narcissists soundcloud.com/divorcesux/divorcing-a-narcissist-ep009
First Christmas Together When In A New Dating Relationship
Your divorce or break up is over and you have moved on. Now you have been seeing someone for only a couple of months and the relationship is quite new. Christmas is looming on the horizon and you are not sure what to get or how much to spend on a present. The holiday season is about celebrating with family and you have not even met your date’s relatives yet. Here are some tips on getting through the holiday season with a recently met love interest.
Gifts
First thing on many people’s agenda is “what do I get them for Christmas?” Something too cheap appears that you have a slight interest in them. The too personal or expensive gift hints for commitment (or possibly marriage). Avoid fine jewellery that could suggest stronger intentions than you may have. Ethnic jewellery may be okay- however several guys recommended staying away from that too. One man buys vibrantly coloured silk scarves for new girlfriends.
Something in the in the middle is a safer bet, but what? Consider purchasing an item in their field of interest that is unique, but not a big ticket thing. One woman who travelled for business, picked up golf balls and inexpensive logo accessories from esteemed golf courses. This was a major hit. A chef might like cool new gadgets with some exotic ingredients (African spices for example). Foodies may appreciate a custom made gift basket from a gourmet shop. Guys may want to pop into a skin care shop, such as Neal’s Yard Remedies to have an expert staff member select some fabulous serums and lotions. Get natural products with essential oils or organic ingredients which will appeal to more women. One fellow goes to a local store on his travels and picks up regionally made hand cream, lip balm and so forth. This is well received.
The goal is to give a personalized gift without screaming how much it costs. Several smaller items grouped together a as present, makes it less obvious what the monetary value is. One divorced woman does searches to see how much was spent on a bracelet, etc. when she is on the fence about a relationship. She uses that as a guideline for selecting gifts for new relationships.
I had started dating a guy who noticed that I could use a small bookcase. That was one of the best presents that I received. If you are handy making something, that is a thoughtful gift. If not the imaginative type, ask some co-workers for a few suggestions.
Meeting the family
If you recently started dating, you may not have met each other’s families yet – including children from previous relationships. This is the time of year when you may be meeting almost all family members at once during large holiday gatherings. Yes, you may be judged, but keep a pleasant demeanor and be a good listener. Do not get drawn in to family conflicts, just stay on the side lines. These celebrations can involve a copious amount of alcohol and it may be tempting to overindulge to calm your nerves. Do not give into this temptation. You cannot go back in time to undo embarrassing antics or take back stupid comments said, when you got a little too tipsy. Make sure to drink water to stay hydrated and nibble on food when consuming alcohol at these parties.
Attending events
It helps to find out ahead of time how dressy or casual an event will be. You do not want to show up in formal attire for a laid back party where people wear their worst holiday sweaters received as gifts. When I start dating someone around the holidays or am invited to a boyfriend’s’ family get-together, I take my signature Italian cookies. They are different and show that I put care into baking these goodies.
Insert fun into a new relationship by enjoying holiday festivities. Walk around downtown gazing at the Christmas lights. Go ice skating at an outside rink. Allow the holiday season to bring out your playfulness.
Red Flags When Dating
One may have gotten through a traumatic divorce and is now on the path to recovery. Perhaps a stint in therapy gave insight on how to avoid repeating the same relationship patterns that contributed to the demise of the marriage. A charming suitor enters your life and is breaking through your barriers. How does one differentiate between someone who is potentially dangerous from a soul mate?
- Trust your gut feeling. What is your initial reaction to this person? Are you comfortable or a tad uneasy? Your subconscious is screaming at you that something is not right, and a bit off. Things do not quite synchronize, actions vs explanations. It is easy to give someone the benefit of doubt a few times. When this becomes a pattern, then it is a red flag. Does he seem caring, yet you feel like pulling back, but are trying to analyze why? Listen to your body, are you tense, but not sure of the cause? When you have an unsettling feeling, then investigate the cause of it.
- The new relationship moves too quickly and becomes intense. One may rationalize that it is love at first sight, but that is still not a reason to move from just meeting someone to becoming a tight couple. We may have lost self-esteem in our marriage and here is a person who thinks we are absolutely wonderful. Some very charming individuals are cons who prey on vulnerable people. Whether they are conning elderly out of life-long savings, or on the verge of proposing, they are after something. In retail, the saying, “If it seems too good to be true, then it is” also applies to dates. If someone seems too perfect and just what you need, take your time in getting to know that person. If it is love, they will not rush you into a situation that you are not ready to be in.
- When one’s friends and family are asking if you have taken leave of your senses that is a major clue that something is not right with your new partner. Are you getting angry with the negative feedback from loved ones or really listening to unanimous lack of approval? Put your feelings and ego aside and determine just what their uneasiness is about regarding your new girlfriend.
- How do you know this person is trustworthy? Ask to meet their friends. What is their family situation? Are they secretive or more like an open book? If there are gaps in what they tell you about their personal history or family life that is a red flag. Some women have unwittingly dated men who had spent time in prison. I started going out with a fellow who was so attentive, but did not want me to see his apartment or know much about his life when we were not together. I broke things off quickly, but found out later he was married and they were expecting a child. If you cannot seem to get a guy to open up, consider doing a little online checking or hiring a private detective. No that is not romantic, but it is better than having your heart broken or your money gone at a later date.
- Do they blame others constantly for their life woes? Is it someone else’s fault that they do not keep a job or have money? Has he asked to borrow money and then has excuses why it is not paid back? Does she like to go shopping with you for her expensive baubles?
- If someone is rude to wait staff or salesclerks, then that is not a nice person. Some people are social climbers or do not care about people who are not in the position to help them to succeed.
- Listen to their jokes and stories. One newly married woman was appalled at her husband’s “joke.” The punchline was a man was having sex with a beautiful woman, but it was against her will. The shocked wife said “that is rape.” The husband said no, it is just that the woman did not want it. The wife discovered that women were objects in her husband’s eyes, and that couple eventually got a divorce.
There is something to the Biblical quote:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud. It does not dishonor others,
It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Get to know a potential partner slowly over time. See how they act around others and if all are treated with respect and kindness, including animals. Meet their family and friends. Determine if there is a firm foundation to your relationship, with similar interests and ethics. Avoid these red flags and enjoy your friendship which is changing into love.