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Global Guide to Divorce

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Dating

13 Reasons Why You’re Single And What To Do About It

When you are successful in your professional life because you’ve worked hard at it, it stands to reason that working hard at your love life in the same way will lead to the same result, right? So why aren’t your efforts yielding the desired outcomes? Why are you still single?

The following checklist will help you uncover 13 possible reasons and what to do about it. However, don’t let this list be a source of despair, because there is a solution!

  1. You don’t really believe there are great single men out there. Perhaps you think all men are just after 1 thing… Limiting belief systems are like sets of tinted glasses through which you view an altered reality, selectively seeking out and focusing on what you deem to be true to support your idea of reality.

  2. You are following the same destructive pattern by dating the same guy with a different face over and over again. We all know what the definition of insanity is, right? You need to start doing things differently if you want a different result.

  3. You are holding on to your past: The secret to closing the door on your past is letting go with love and forgiveness. If you don’t let go of your past it will destroy your future. But it’s not so easy, is it? (See point 1…)

  4. You are scared. You may have a fear of dating, of falling in love, being emotionally attached, trusting someone, losing someone close to you. You are not alone! Pretty much everyone seems to be affected by some degree of fear of social rejection, and this fear can be debilitating. It keeps you from taking action and tricks you into believing that you are better off staying in your comfort zone and striving to be happy there and not facing the fact that you are indeed miserable.

  5. You have Expectations! Oh NO! You have this perfect image of who you want to date and be in a relationship with and, try as you might not to, you expect your date to fit a certain type of pre-defined criteria. 100% chance of things going wrong – and you know it, but you still….

  6. Self-esteem issues anyone? If you are looking to enter into a healthy relationship it is best to start developing a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost. ‘Like’ attracts ‘like’. We think we can hide low self-esteem but it shows up in so many unattractive ways. If you don’t think you’re worthy, how can someone else think so?

  7. Confidence. Closely related to the above, but worthy of its own point. Confidence is the key to dating success. If you aren’t confident about your worth, why would you expect someone else should take time out of their busy schedule to get to know you better?

  8. Boundaries! Boundaries are sexy and they tell men that you are valuable. Boundaries are evidence of high standards and values, indicate healthy self-esteem, and attract people who recognise what you live by and expect those close to you to live by. Even the most confident and successful career-woman can be tempted to loosen those boundaries to ‘keep a man’. If you are one of those, then you will always be someone else’s doormat.

  9. You don’t think you can be truly fulfilled without a partner, and it shows. There’s nothing attractive about that at best, and at worst it reeks of desperation. You should be living a full social life doing things you love doing with the friends and family you adore. Relationships flourish in the right social environment.

  10. You underappreciate the allure of your feminine energy. Many of us are out of touch with our dominant feminine energy and therefore lead unbalanced lives. Men are attracted to femininity and don’t respond well to masculine women in a romantic environment.

  11. You lack commitment in the area of love and relationships. You can still be living a full life, enjoy a successful career and be committed to finding a relationship. Yes you can indeed have it all! It shouldn’t drop off your ‘to do’ list in favour of chance. Where your energy goes, that’s where you go…or stay.

  12. You are dating from a mind-set of scarcity. You can’t imagine finding anyone, let alone opening your eyes to the abundance of choice that will become available to you when you turn that mind-set inside out and go forward with an ‘abundance mind-set’. I know it’s easier to sit back and wait for destiny to come knocking, but sorry, that’s not how it works. You therefore need to get out there and start creating choice in your love life.

  13. Singles are finding dating tough and telling each other just how tough it is. Well it’s tough because we are losing our social competence, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Work on your interpersonal and face-to-face communication and conversation skills, work at being approachable – and you will be.

Perhaps you need some help?

The fact is that when it comes to your love life, the ‘work hard’ approach is clearly not enough, and if you don’t address the above, it often only leads to disappointment and frustration.

You need to stop and think about doing things differently! You know you need a new approach – and you need it now, because your intimate love relationship will affect pretty much every other area of your life. It will determine your happiness, fulfillment and overall quality of life more than any of your career success or achievements ever will.

So what are you to do if you are serious about having a loving and lasting relationship with someone amazing? Find yourself a reputable Love Coach to support and love you every step of the way. To your success in love!

Author of article is Bonita Grobbelaar. Biography:  Relationships and the way we embark on them have changed, and Bonita Grobbelaar believes in helping her clients to do the work from the inside out. Women who have succeeded in all areas of their life but love, have benefited from consulting with Bonita. She puts her clients back in the drivers’ seat of their lives, and helps them to map out a journey to their intended destination in love.

A believer that all women not only deserve, but are fundamentally entitled to a life they love, in the company of a solid partner through the good and the bad, Bonita specialises in guiding and supporting successful women around the globe towards healthy, lasting relationships.

Her industry experience spans over a decade, and during this time, Bonita has helped thousands of women to find and keep love.  Her own experiences saw Bonita living through ten years of negative dating and a failed marriage. Questioning the reasons for this led her to a journey of great self-discovery, where probing and testing brought her to the revelation of why all areas of her life, except love, were successful.

Today, Bonita is happily married and has two daughters. She experiences deep gratitude for a life she loves daily, and teaches her clients how to apply what she has learned, to help them find balance and relationship success in their own lives.    www.lovecoachbonita.com  

Join my NEXT FREE workshop: Unlock Lasting Love, Without Relying On Online Dating: bit.ly/UnlockLastingLove   Find time in my calendar that suits you best and let’s figure out what’s stopping you from finding the love you want and how to change that: lovecoachbonita.com/apply/

Creative Ways To Date During Corona Virus

It is more challenging to date during the Corona Virus. Venues you usually pop into, may be closed during this global shutdown. Streets are deserted. Stores are shuttered. It feels like one is a character in a sci-fi film or waiting for the zombie apocalypse to begin. This time period is not the ideal circumstance to start a new dating relationship.

The same rules apply as they did before the virus. Particularly for women, if you do not know someone well, then do not invite them to your place. Be safe. If you break off the relationship, better for them not to know where you live. Also, you do not want to get into a tricky situation where your date thinks you are on the menu.

There are plenty of cafes and coffee shops which have lattes and luscious pastries for take away. There is often a bench nearby, where you both can sit down and get to know each other while enjoying your treats. One grocery store which sells lattes, has concrete benches in front. I meet up with a different friend from time to time. We are not in a crowd and are keeping the recommended social distance in this pandemic. This is where I planned to have my first date with a new guy.

Various restaurants are serving their tantalizing food in to go containers. Pick up your favourite food and enjoy it al fresco with the warmer weather. London, for example, has many parks where one can grab a bench and eat your lunch. Have an in-depth conversation over food you just purchased at the deli.

When you have gotten to know someone, then have them over to catch up on films you missed at the cinema or a marathon session watching a boxed set of DVDs. Feel free to invite several friends.  You may want to play board games during this stay-at-home pandemic. Before the shutdown of our city, people were coming into the bookstore where I work and stocking up on puzzles.

Be outside on your dates. Go hiking, mountain climbing, skating, kayaking. A long walk provides the opportunity to learn more about your date. If you have dogs, plan on walking them together. Go for a drive in the country and unpack your picnic lunch out in nature.

Do an activity together. Pick a theme such as cooking Italian pasta, making tiramisu and watching an Italian film.  The point is to be creative while following the rules of where you live during this corona virus outbreak.

Stay away from a crowd and have fun with your date. Going out with another couple is fine. Skip parties and gatherings.  Keep hand sanitizer with you. Stay clear of people who are coughing.  This is the time to avoid a one-night stand and possibly a goodnight kiss. I used to be a school nurse and was around viruses, strep throat, etc. and did not get sick. Taking precautions such as good handwashing, getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet reduces the chance of catching anything. Manuka honey is anti-viral and I take a teaspoon every day.

Continue dating during this time. Be creative where to go and how to have fun.

Tips On Dating For Introverts

Going on dates can be intimidating for the introvert. It is easier to stay at home and watch romantic films than go meet potential dating partners.  Fear can stop people. Fear of getting tongue tied or sounding stupid can keep individuals from venturing out of their flat. There are ways to have dates and be in one’s comfort zone.

Think about going out in a group.

You can laugh and have fun without the pressure of carrying on a conversation solo.  Members of the group all contribute comments. There is less of a feeling of being judged, when in a group setting, as opposed to only being the two of you. If you hit it off with someone, a private conversation is still an option.

If a person seems interested in you, it is less nerve-wracking to issue an invitation to a group activity. Say, “A bunch of us are going to the Greek Festival on Saturday. The food and music will be great – want to join us?”

Go where there is a community table.

I do this in several coffee shops and have talked to interesting people. One coffee shop is open late with led lighting which changes colour. It has DJ training classes which ensures edgy music and a lively vibe.  I write in this place and encounter creative types like me.

Spend time with outgoing friends.

They will talk to others and draw people to your group. You can meet the individuals who come over for a chat. A potential date may be on the shy side too, and find talking to you in your group a bit less of a chance for rejection.  Various podcasts give tips on how to meet people when by yourself or in a group.

Practice making connections. 

Talk to people who are not potential dates – grannies, kids, a parent. This is like training wheels when learning how to ride a bike. Practice engaging others in conversation – the person behind you in the queue at the cashiers. I talk to people during the long wait at the post office. It makes the time pass quickly and the parting winks are nice.

Engage in conversation to those around you.

It will lead into talking to those who could be interesting to date. You are not targeting them specifically, when you talk to everyone.  I chatted to people in a queue for a festival.  One of them asked me out and we got engaged ten months later. One never knows.

Introverts can give off the wrong non-verbal message that they are not interested.

An introvert may turn away or avoid eye contact even though they are hearing wedding bells in their head. This is a deterrent for the other individual to pursue any more contact with the introvert. Force yourself to maintain eye contact. Turn towards the potential date. If you freeze and your brain cannot form a sentence, at least smile and nod.  Anything to show interest and prevent them from misunderstanding your feelings and walking away.

Connecting with those you are interested in as a date, is a skill.

One does not learn how to play the violin overnight, so do not expect to be dazzling the first few times you attempt to meet people to date.  Consider making friends with a variety of people.  By doing this, an organic relationship can develop into a lifelong partnership.

Originally published in The Divorce Magazine  thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

First Dates – What To Do And When To Bail

First dates can be tricky.  What is expected. When to bail. The first of these two podcasts gives information about how to get ready and act on a first date. Advice given by Wendi Schuller and Daniel Isle Skye on a new dating series with podcasts released every week on datingcoach.coach

3rd podcast  First Date   podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-coach/id1492513803

Dating disasters.  Wendi and Daniel share dates which did not work out and how to avoid these blunders.

4th episode Bad Dates  podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-coach/id1492513803

7 Ways To Express Your Love For Your Partner Without Saying It

Love is that effortless emotion that can transform even the most impassive person. Sometimes we miss out on the signs or moments where we can express our love, without saying a single word. These are simple gestures towards our partner. Understanding the tiniest detail of your loved one shows how much you love him/her.

Saying ‘I Love You’ always works and will end your fights magically. Here are a few other creative ways to express your love for your partner without having to say it.

  1. Share your deepest fear/secrets  

Our deepest and darkest fears or secrets are very personal. Sharing these with your partner will make him/her believe that you trust them entirely. This can make them feel really special and loved. It expresses your faith in your loved one and assures he/she is the most important person in this entire world. Also, it allows your partner to help you get out of it if you wish to. Growing together in love, eliminating flaws or accepting them, finding serenity is all that matters.

  1. Attention to Details 

When does he/she wake up? What is his/her favorite dish? Or favorite T.V show? Small details can bring immense happiness. If you know your partner’s favorites, what keeps them happy or what puts them off, you will be able to express your compassion towards them. It will show that you care for the minute details only to bring that smile on your partner’s face. For instance, opening the car door for her, placing the food on her plate, keeping the hot water ready for his/her bath. Small acts matter in love. And these are not just a onetime action. Practice it to engrave it in your nature. Be genuine and don’t make it pretentious.

  1. Listen  

Listening involves paying interest to no matter what your partner is saying. Put your phone down, and prioritize the person in front of you longing to communicate. To listen to your partner is to show that you genuinely care for him/her. It shows your involvement physically and mentally. Look at them and show your concern, and when the need arises, give your opinion. Your partner might need your consideration or assistance with something which they might have shared just yesterday. It is the simplest way of expressing your affection without the need for uttering a word.

  1. Send Gifts  

Yes, and there is no need for any special occasion. Randomly pick a flower and surprise her. Send gifts to his/her office, giving them a chance to chuck out tensions. As said earlier, a gesture of your love, your presence that you are there for him/her forever, makes a huge impact. That is how you can convey love. Send your girlfriend a dainty piece of casual white dress to let her know that she is the angel of your life. Or surprise him by planning for an adventure, a dinner date, where you could cook for him and eat with some wine like Stella Rosa Black and champagne like Totts or maybe a football game date or any other sport he enjoys the most.

  1. Understand Each Other’s Ambitions or Choices 

At the end of the day, you and your partner are two separate individuals with different aims in life. Your ideologies are compatible, but ambitions might differ. Your way of expressing affection should involve an understanding of that. Compassionate love is about appreciating by allowing your partner’s individual growth and success. It becomes a matter of respect. Give your partner space. Believe it, giving each other space will make your relationship healthier. How much you value your partner’s dream to achieve something. Learning how to cook a new dish is also an achievement. Celebrate it without any reason to show her love.

  1. The Magic of Touch 

Animals express their love through touch, and that is always mesmerizing to witness. The magic of touch is effective enough to heal even an ailing person. Hold hands while watching a movie. Make your partner feel exceptional because he/she has you to support and stand by any day. A simple act of touch and cuddle can tickle that spark between you every time. A kiss on the forehead itself speaks a thousand words.

  1. Stay Positive  

‘To err is human; to forgive, divine.’ Focusing too much on flaws will bring negativity to your relationship. Instead, ignore those aspects and center your relationship on positive things. What binds you together? What do you love about him/her? Life is too short to hold on to grudges or fights. Be thankful for who your partner is. Imperfection makes us the person we are. So, figure out how to accept those and move on. That will show your true love.

Conclusion:  

Communication is the key to build that mutually engaging relationship where both can pour out energy and soul in making each other feel special every day. Compromising at times on petty issues will prevent unnecessary arguments. Love might mean different for each one us. Do not conclude that your partner doesn’t love you on the basis of these. He/she might express it in another way. An act of kindness, a piece of thoughtful advice, touch, is some everyday actions that show love and compassion.

Author’s Bio:
“Jessica Smith has been writing for a few years now. She is a writer by day and reader by night. She was a very quiet child but writing always inspired her and that is why she began writing in her free time. She loves reading, be it a newspaper, a book or anything. She also loves cooking, traveling and dancing. She wants to be a successful writer as writing is her passion.”

 

 

 

Your Partner Is Not A Mind Reader

Some people getting divorced stated it was partly because their partner did not fulfil their needs.  These individuals said if their partner really loved them, they would know what to do.  No, your partner is not a mind reader. How can a person expect another to know what is going around in their head? A spouse does not intuitively grasp what the other person is thinking and feeling.   Be specific, such as “I had a rough time at work today and want to chill for a few minutes.”

Relationships are built on good communication and not on assumptions. Ask questions to ensure that you are both on the same page. Do not assume that you both are feeling the same way. Use I statements to be clear in your communication. “I feel shut out when I sense something is wrong and you won’t talk.”

People have dealt out the silent treatment as if it were a punishment.  An American man fell in love with a European woman. When she was upset, this woman would sulk for a few days and refused to have a discussion no matter how much her partner tried. He could not read her mind nor make amends for perceived acts which may have bothered her. The man eventually walked away from a person whom he loved. Counseling may have helped this couple to communicate more effectively and avoid a break-up.

Help a partner to share their thoughts by asking open ended questions.  “You are more quiet tonight, what is going on?” Make it clear that you have no idea, so your partner does not expect you to telepathically know how they feel. A couple near my son with a young child, are getting divorced. The wife’s voice comes through his wall, saying “You don’t love me. If you did, you would have known that I wanted to be held when I went to sleep last night.” Or “You should have realized that I had a bad day at work and made dinner.”  The husband tells my son that if he had a clue how she felt, He would have cooked the meal and so forth.

Be specific what you need. My male friends want to fix whatever needs fixing – my problem, car or wherever it is.  I have to be clear, since they cannot read my mind. “I only want you to listen right now. I am going to vent about my co-worker and then we can move on to something else.” The guys then get that I want to let off some steam. If I do not express what I want, then before I am done with my story, these fellows have already formulated an action plan.

Please read more in Divorce Magazine www.divorcemag.com/blog/your-spouse-is-not-a-mind-reader/

Guide For Dealing With Tricky Dating Situations After a Break Up Or Divorce

Dating again after divorce can seem like one is back in high school with the drama it can entail. One may have forgotten what it is like to have a crush on someone and hope that they feel the same way too. Or you feel like running in the opposite direction from an individual, when there is zero interest on your part for a date. Do not  feel coerced into going on a date, as you do not owe them anything. Same with going on a date out of pity. You could get tangled up in a mess when trying to break free down the road.

Have some stock phrases ready for turning someone down. When there was a frequent customer at work on the verge of asking me out, I bounced a few ideas off my girlfriends on how to say “no.” Asking me out did not catch me off guard and I turned him down, kindly, but firmly.

If on the fence about going out with someone, have a coffee date. You arrive separately and can talk for two hours if you hit it off, or make a hasty retreat if you do not.  There is less pressure in this casual setting.  Friends who meet people on Tinder revealed that their first date or two are over lattes. One can get a sense of character over the short time span.  A friend was asked out by a well-travelled, intelligent fellow.  They had much in common and he insisted on a coffee get-together the following week. When she explained that she had houseguests to entertain before work, he said since the coffeeshop was next door to her place of employment he would be there waiting. He hoped she could make it. She did not like that he felt her time should be spent with him rather than with her guests. She was glad  to have only had a quick coffee with tis controlling man, instead of a long evening

A painful part of dating is when only one party feels a strong attraction and the other does not. It is a delicate dance whether or not to share that you are attracted to them. The other person may reveal that they also feel a spark. Or they may look like a deer caught in the headlights with a look of fright on their face. When someone states that they want the relationship as friends only, accept it. You are not going to change how they feel about you. It can be tempting to think “Well, if I lose weight/whiten my teeth/ take up tennis (or whatever), they will find me irresistible.”  In this case it is clear that dating is not on the horizon. Think about if you can have a platonic relationship with your crush or if it is better to cut ties and move on.

One may not be aware that they are giving off mixed signals which can be confusing.  An example is, two male friends told me to stop wearing rings on my wedding finger.  When I protested that the jewellery was ethnic looking, they said “yes, up close, but from across a room they look like wedding rings on that finger. That keeps a guy from approaching you. Or you don’t want the men who are only interested in married women.” This goes for men too.  A woman sees the flash of silver or gold on the wedding finger and assumes it is a wedding band.

Please read more in Divorce Magazine  www.divorcemag.com/blog/tips-for-dealing-with-tricky-dating-situations-post-divorce/

How to Maintain a Relationship – People Share Their Secrets

After getting divorced one may be more cautious when dating again – wanting to avoid potential pitfalls. Your marital union has ended and it can be puzzling how other folks stay together for half of a century. A variety of couples graciously revealed their secrets to what makes a relationship last.

Just let go

At the end of the day, let go of the trivial things which happened. Do not get worked up over the small stuff, but rather focus on what is important. When we carry all of these insignificant grudges around, they become a big load. No one is perfect – so give your partner some slack. Do not keep score. “I did this so you had better do that.” One acquaintance kept a tally of grievances and when she reached a high number, they got a divorce. A friend kept track of who did what chores. She expected them to be split 50/50 even though she worked fewer hours outside of the home. That ended in divorce. Your spouse’s actions are not motivated by malice, so just let go. We all have annoying quirks.

No one has the power to  “make” you happy

People have divorced or broken up with partners when that individual no longer “made them happy.” We choose our feelings and no one else has the power to make us feel a certain way. It is in our control to be happy or not. Long -term couples said that they required other relationships besides the marital one, such as being in clubs and with friends. The Dalai Lama states “True happiness does not depend on an external being or thing. It only depends upon us.” When becoming unhappy, that is a red flag to have a discussion with your partner. One woman informed her husband that she wanted a divorce because she was so unhappy. Talking this through, they discovered that she missed her old job and was miserable being a stay-at-home mom. Once back in the workforce, she was content with her life.

Follow your gut instinct

A priest said that he talks to both mothers when doing weddings. He tells these ladies not to interfere with their children’s relationship. Do not let your friends interfere with your relationship either. Friends can mean well, however give lousy advice that is detrimental. They may have their own agenda, which does not align with yours. Two co-workers were close and the friend played racquetball with the other’s husband. She pretended to support her married pal, but the end result was that the couple got divorced and the other two got married. Trust your gut instinct and do not rely on others to offer opinions on what to do. I knew it would be a mistake to get married to my now ex-husband. An older family friend kept insisting it was only “pre-wedding jitters” and to go through with it. Big mistake listening to her.

Be  careful about what you say

Be careful of what you confide to others -especially when going through a difficult time. Friends will side with you and may not like your partner after hearing your complaints about him or her. They often continue to loathe them after your problems are resolved. You may be told you are too good for your spouse, when personal details are overshared with family and friends. What you say in anger can have a negative effect on their viewpoint of your partner and of you remaining in the relationship.

Share

Couples stated that sharing was important, which includes sharing child care responsibilities. One father said that he is “the bottle washer” since his wife also works full time. Sharing household duties means looking around for what needs to be done and not waiting for a partner to ask for help.

Have fun and a sense of humor

Many said having a sense of humor keeps things running smoothly. Laughter connects people and having fun adds spice to the relationship. Couples have taken up Salsa dance lessons, golf, joined gourmet dining clubs or got into volunteering. They have become active in community issues or rediscovered a long-lost passion in life. These people are reinventing themselves together on the same path. Life events have kept some individuals from traveling in the past. I have met many couples in second marriages exploring the world and ticking off exotic places from their Bucket Lists. Others have gotten involved in projects together, such as renovating a house for retirement is a sunny locale.

At a fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration, the wife said that “commitment is love – you can’t have love without commitment.” When they went through rough patches, they each knew the other was committed to the marriage and was not going to bolt. Secrets to lasting love is to have kindness, be respectful of your partner and put them first in your life above others.

Originally published in Divorce Force   www.divorceforce.com/

Tips For Going On A First Date Post-Divorce

Going on a first date after a divorce has its challenges. One may have done well finding a person online that seems compatible or through an old-fashioned introduction. Now comes the hardest part – making a great first impression and sustaining that throughout the evening. A speech on networking at a Toastmasters International meeting had a lot in common with dating. The audience was surprised that when initially meeting someone, to keep 99% of the conversation on that person.

Ask Your Date Questions About Them

In networking which also pertains to dating, begin with asking about their family and move on to what is their occupation. Ask what are their hobbies and interests, finishing up with inquiring what really matters to them. What gives meaning to their lives, their passion and what makes them tick. People enjoy talking about themselves, and by asking these questions you will be viewed as the most interesting person on the planet. There is now rapport and it is a good time to start revealing fascinating tidbits about yourself.

Reveal A little At A Time

Bombarding someone with your life story when first meeting them is a turn off. One acquaintance wondered why she rarely got a second date. She did not ask the above mentioned questions and focused the conversation solely on herself. A co-worker told too personal details about her body functions and friends’ sex lives. Have some decorum.

Be Aware Of Your Body Language

Have a friendly demeanor and be cognizant of your body language. Arms folded across your body can mean “stay away” or as in Martial Arts, a sign of aggression. Nervous habits such as jingling change in your pocket or tapping your foot can be interpreted as impatience. Watch the amount of eye contact. Too little indicates lack of interest and staring can be uncomfortable for the receiver.

Have Conversations Topics Ready

Be up-to-date on current news and major sporting events, like the Super Bowl. Be able to have discussions, but try to veer away from religion and politics on a first date. Have some amusing stories about co-workers, travel adventures and so forth ready in case you get tongue-tied or your mind goes blank. Pauses in conversation are okay and not every second has to be filled in by talking.

It is fine to mention that you are a parent, but hold the cute toddler tales. Let your date know you are a well-rounded adult, not a one dimensional person. This does not only pertain to being a parent, but also when focusing on one aspect of your life. For example. I briefly dated an attorney whose whole existence revolved around his job. When I suggested that we see a film, he said that he did not own any casual clothes and would have to wear trousers from one of his suits. I knew this relationship would not work out, so ended it quickly.

A multi-faceted person is enticing. Having a full life before dating is more attractive to someone than having dating be your life.  Please read more    www.divorcemag.com/blog/tips-for-first-date-after-divorce/

Early Warning Signs Of A Potential Abuser

There are early warning signs that you are in a relationship with a potential abuser. After divorce, one may have joined an online dating site and now has a string of first and second dates. While people put their best foot forward and hide their darker side – it is still possible to catch a glimpse of who that person really is. One may feel it is love at first sight, however if something does not quite seem right, put the brakes on. Trust your gut instinct. Your subconscious is screaming at you to back away when these signs of a potential abuser appear:

  • Are they disrespectful to anyone? While no one agrees completely with another, people can agree to disagree in a respectful way. When a date treats others callously so early in a relationship, this is bound to get worse. This may include name calling or derogatory labels. If women are called obscene terms, hit the road.
  • Are they controlling? They want to plan your social life and dictate whom you may see. They may tell one how to dress or where they can go. They want their dating partner to get their permission to do various activities.
  • Potential abusers excel at using sarcasm with little jabs at others. They may mock what you say. They make “jokes” at your expense and say you are “too sensitive” if you are hurt or object. They are critical and judgemental. There do put downs which may begin in private and progress to belittling you in front of family and friends.
  • They are possessive which may seem flattering at first. One can mistake this for affection, when really it means you are their property. For example, a person may keep their arm permanently attached to you in a group setting. Instead of love, it can be marking their territory. They may call multiple times of day to check up on you.
  • They are jealous of your relationships and may attempt to isolate you from others. In some cases, the person is jealous of their date’s children. They resent the time the parent spends with their kids and competes for attention. These potential abusers want to be the centre of the universe and get upset when forced to share their date.
  • They blame you for their bad mood or blame others for any misfortunes. They cannot handle feedback that points to any mistakes they have made.
  • The biggest sign is that they have violent behaviour which may not necessarily be directed at you. They start with a small action at first, such as throwing a book across the room in rage. It progressively increases in intensity, such as hitting the couch near you, or tossing your possession at something. It is only a matter of time before you become the target of physical abuse. It is so important to get out of this relationship immediately and not listen to any excuses. Leave after the first violent act and not wait until you become the punching bag.

This true case illustrates several points mentioned above. Violet dated a medical student from a fantastic family. Ken appeared to be loving and caring, yet a few things bothered her. He blamed others for his mistakes or said they were wrong when his discrepancies came to light. He belittled Violet in front of others and her mum begged her to leave him. She did not. Right before her trip abroad, Violet asked Ken to drive her to a store to get some cosmetics. He refused –saying he did not want her to look pretty for other men. Then he gave her a prominent hickey on her neck which was very visible.

When Violet returned, Ken put a fist through a door inside her flat. Shortly after that he threw her shoe at the wall, which resulted in a hole. The violence scared her and she realized what would be happening next. Violet realized she had given Ken too many chances and promptly broke up with him. A few years later an acquaintance revealed that Ken married and got divorced the next year. She knew why.

It is easy to fall into the trap of listening to excuses and giving extra chances as Violet did. When any act of violence occurs – no matter how small – end the relationship.

Originally published in The Divorce Magazine    thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

 

Top Ten Concerns That Divorcees Have about Dating Again

The time will come when you might want to consider dating again after your divorce.  It may seem a bit of a leap into the unknown and it’s not unusual to feel worried. We asked divorcees what things most worried them about dating after their break-up, and there was quite a range:  from worries about sex, to finding a someone who will love their dog!
Here were the 10 most common.
1. Am I ready? 
Well done! It’s good that you are asking yourself this question. Only you can really decide, but bear in mind that you can just try a date and if it doesn’t feel right, you can stop again.
2. I don’t know if I’ll remember how to date!
There’s no right or wrong way (within reason). A date is just an opportunity for you to be yourself with someone else. Your date can expect no more of you.
3. I’ve never done online dating
It may feel like a scary way of doing things – or something you are eager to have a go at. Give it a whirl, trying to keep hold of your common sense and enthusiasm – nothing ventured, nothing gained.
4. I’m the wrong side of 40, I need to find someone quick…
Try not to rush things.  Do you know what you want in a date or a relationship, and what you need to be happy?  Taking time to think about what you need will help you find a partner who is a good match.
5. All the good people are taken – only the crazies are left!
This is NOT true! Although you could say we all have our crazy moments!  Lots of people are starting again for all sorts of acceptable and common and NORMAL reasons. And if you are on the market again, why not someone like you?
6. I’m scared of rejection
If you are feeling very fragile, take some time before you start dating, particularly online dating, which can require a bit of a thick skin. Ask a suitable friend, family member or therapist to support you in building up your self-esteem.
7. No one will want me. I don’t like the way I look, why would anyone else?
Many people feel less confident in their bodies or looks than they once did post divorce. This has knock on affects on their sexual confidence.
Try not to date until you feel confident and desirable – work on your self-esteem before you hop into bed with someone.  Remember you probably fancy people for qualities other than
their appearance – it’s the whole package. Make sure you remember everything that you have to offer.
8. Will I have to have sex on the first date?
It’s a common misconception that you are expected to have sex on the first date.  NOT TRUE!  You should only have sex when you want to and feel comfortable – ‘make friends before you make love’.
9. Dating makes me miss my ex
This is a not uncommon, especially if you meet someone who you don’t click with.  Make a list of why your ex was not suitable for you and a list of what you are looking for. This should help you to focus on why you should move forward instead of looking backwards.
10. How will my children take it?
Make sure that you allow your children enough time to grieve and adapt to your new situation. Before you introduce your children to a new partner, wait a sensible amount of time to understand and trust the person you are dating.
Authors of this article, Lucy Davis and Isabelle Hung, run  The Divorce Club  www.divorceclub.com     an online support network for people going through divorce and separation.     Wendi’s Note: The Divorce Club in London is a great way to meet others who are going through similar experiences. Wisdom and laughter are shared at Lucy’s get-togethers through this MeetUp.com group.

You Could Be Hindering Your Teen’s Dating

you could be hindering your teen's dating potential     You Could Be Hindering Your Teen’s Dating Potential  

While some parents may be hindering their teen’s dating potential, I don’t necessarily think it is a bad thing. I am not advocating for overly strict parenting where you don’t allow your teen to date at all, but there are some important precautions I think all parents should consider when their teen starts dating…
Set Clear Curfews

Not too long ago, my teenage son took a more serious interest in girls. He became interested in spending time with girls outside of school for dating purposes or “hanging out” as he calls it. So he wanted to renegotiate his curfew. His curfew changed when he moved from middle school to high school but hasn’t been updated since. I saw no need to change it, as he could stay out until 9:30 pm Sunday – Thursday and 11:30 pm Friday – Saturday. 

He decided to challenge this when out on a group date and came home at midnight on a Saturday. While he tried to argue he was only a half-hour late, he knew the consequence for breaking curfew was a week of grounding with a week added for each curfew-breaking offense.

Tips for parents who want to curtail bad teen dating habits by setting a curfew:

  • Set clear curfew rules.
  • Set reasonable and relatable consequences for breaking these rules.
  • Follow through with punishment or curfew breaking will be a regular thing.Teen Date Nights and Money

Part of teaching your teen how to date responsibly is teaching your teen how to deal with their personal finances. The sooner your child understands basic savings and financial planning, the better equipped they will be later in life.

My teen son knows I won’t play the money tree, being a backup when his personal funds are running low. When he takes a girl out on a date, he has to think creatively and within a budget. Sometimes that just means a movie night at home with some popcorn, which helps me keep an eye on the dating couple.

I have found this has made my son more responsible overall. If there are activities and dates he would like to go on, he has to plan them in advance and secure the finances to do so. He has felt the sting of not having enough money to take a girl out that he likes and it’s a good reminder for him to manage his finances responsibly to obtain the things he wants. I also like to think that by not offering to pay for his extravagant dates, he thinks of creative, less expensive dates and therefor doesn’t rely on flash or funds as a crutch for getting to know girls.  

Everyone On Same Dating Page   

Not only does your teen need to be on the same page with any rules you set up but so does your parenting partner. This can be tricky for co-parents who are divorced but is possible when working with clear communication.

Author of this article, Tyler Jacobson  enjoys going to the mountains near his home in Draper, Utah to connect with his wife and children through camping, hiking, and quality time together. When he isn’t rebooting in the outdoors, he shares his fatherly experiences with the world through writing and creative designs. Tyler shares the ups and downs of family life and the solutions he’s found through lengthy research and involvement in the industry and his own experiences to help parents everywhere. Follow Tyler on: Twitter | LinkedIn