dating post-divorce

Going on Dates Again Post-Divorce

Dating again after a divorce has its challenges. One may have done well finding a person online that seems compatible or through an old-fashioned introduction. Now comes the hardest part – making a great first impression and sustaining that throughout the evening. A speech on networking at a Toastmasters International meeting had a lot in common with dating. The audience was surprised that when initially meeting someone, to keep 99% of the conversation on that person. In networking which also pertains to dating, begin with asking about their family and move on to what is their occupation. Ask what are their hobbies and interests, finishing up with inquiring what really matters to them. What gives meaning to their lives, their passion and what makes them tick. People enjoy talking about themselves, and by asking these questions you will be viewed as the most interesting person on the planet. There is now rapport and it is a good time to start revealing fascinating tidbits about yourself.

Bombarding someone with your life story when first meeting them is a turn off. One acquaintance wondered why she rarely got a second date. She did not ask the above mentioned questions and focused the conversation solely on herself. A co-worker told too personal details about her body functions and friends’ sex lives. Have some decorum.

Have a friendly demeanor and be cognizant of your body language. Arms folded across your body can mean “stay away” or as in Martial Arts, a sign of aggression. Nervous habits such as jingling change in your pocket or tapping your foot can be interpreted as impatience. Watch the amount of eye contact. Too little indicates lack of interest and staring can be uncomfortable for the receiver.

Be up-to-date on current news and major sporting events, like the Super Bowl. Be able to have discussions, but try to veer away from religion and politics on a first date. Have some amusing stories about co-workers, travel adventures and so forth ready in case you get tongue-tied or your mind goes blank. Pauses in conversation are okay and not every second has to be filled in by talking.  Please read more   http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/tips-for-first-date-after-divorce

 

 

 

Serial Dating Post-Divorce

It may be tempting to jump into a new relationship while on the rebound. Instead, stop and take stock of yourself. Are you truly recovered from your divorce or do you fear loneliness? It is important to differentiate between being alone and loneliness. One can live alone, yet have a full social life and career. Fear of being alone can include getting sick without someone around, financial concerns, and not wanting to dine or attend social events alone. Some folks indicated that being married ensures an escort when needed.

It can be daunting to face issues of self and easier to be a mirror of one’s mate. Some see themselves as a fragment and the relationship as the whole. They are not complete unless part of a duo. One can lose the sense of self in relationships which can be a comfort for those who do not want to face their flaws. A way of not dealing with foibles is to limit time between relationships. So many people interviewed told stories of family and friends who flit from relationship to relationship. These serial daters were more apt to cancel plans with friends to accommodate their mates.

Some people go right from college or their parents’ homes into marriage without discovering who they are and what makes them tick. They may be apprehensive about being on their own post-divorce and want to enter into another relationship quickly. Mabel is one example of this. At 17 she got married and had a baby a year later. Mabel became a young widow after child number two and had adequate support. She quickly became involved with a sociopath and that marriage lasted a little over ten years. Right after her divorce, she met and married a nice fellow. Now widowed in her late seventies, Mabel is unhappy about not being able to find another husband.

Having low expectations can lead to being a doormat. Relationships compliment people and are not first aid for low self-esteem. Do not marry a copy of your former partner, especially when there was abuse. A life coach or therapist can assist one who feels unloved by family and feels the need to always be in relationships to compensate for this.

Tips for Those Who Fear Loneliness

  • A quiet flat can compound loneliness. Consider adopting a pet or being a temporary foster parent to a cat or dog.
  • My divorced mum would have the radio or telly on during the evenings. It was like having company without the work,
  • Join MeetUp.com as I did. I am in a Women’s Transition group that meets for lattes, gallery shows and other fun activities. My divorced pal is in the hiking group.
  • Get out and meet people to enlarge your social network. I volunteer one morning a week for a cat rescue group, cleaning cages, feeding and cuddling the cats. Join a book club or other group.
  • Reconnect with old friends. Spend more time with family.
  • Change your work schedule if a certain time of day is more difficult to be home alone.
  • Discover new interests. I took up Tai Chi and Qigong post-divorce.

Serial dating is not a quick fix for a broken heart.

Originally published in The Divorce Magazine thedivorcemagazine.co.uk