When A Relationship Ends Abruptly – What To Do
One can go into full-blown shock when the other person abruptly ends your relationship. Even if there were a few hints something was amiss, it is still a shock. Hard to believe this is happening. As far as the other person is concerned, there is not much you can do. If they made up their mind to break it off, it is done.
Harder when the decision was made and you were not notified. You see then at work, a social event, their musical gig, whatever and find out at the same time as everyone else. They may take great pains to ignore you. Maybe are dramatic and turn their back if you get nearby. Not cool when done publicly at a gathering.
Of course, you would like an explanation and not be playing guessing games in your head. This may never happen. It is difficult when there are loose threads. In both cases – whether you got an explanation or were ghosted – closure is needed. Easier to move on when there is a clear-cut ending in your mind.
Accept what happened is final. Wishing for a reunion keeps you attached to them and is it not going to happen. You are wasting time and energy on this fantasy. This mental connection prevents one from moving on.
The big thing about an abrupt ending is not having closure. Since there is no communication, you cannot be sure if it was something you did or if got dropped for a new love interest. One is left hanging. If someone is upset that should be discussed. If a boundary was crossed into a no-go area, then at least you would understand why there is an ending. It is childish for them to do silence.
Emotionally getting through this situation
Spend a day really feeling your grief. Cry, wail, scream, curse or whatever else you feel needs expressing. You are experiencing a loss, a death of a relationship. Concentrate on dealing with it being over. Later as time moves on, you can appreciate the fun times. You got some life lessons from this episode.
Rally your support system around you. Call or go out with friends. Talk it out with them. Have some fun. Try a new café.
Get out in nature. Take walks in leafy areas. Exercise releases pent up energy and anxiety. One feels better after a run when the endorphins are increased. Getting a physical work out calms nerves and helps one be able to deal with this situation.
What to do or not do
Do not contact them no matter how tempting it is to text or call. This is giving them power to reject you again.
If they call, do not answer it. Go ahead and listen to their message later, if you want. If a text is sent, do not respond. If you cannot resist, then say “I accept that you ended our relationship. I am moving on now.”
They may beg for a second chance and promise to change. That would be short-lived and the disrespect would creep back in again. If they were really into you, this would not have happened in the first place.
There is a void – empty space inside of you from their departure. Fill it up. When one removes a dead tree, they do not leave a big hole. It is filled in with a plant or something else. Plant something else inside of you. Take up a new activity. Join a MeetUp.com group and expand your social network.
Getting into a new environment can help. You are not running into them or dealing with as many triggers. Travel to an enticing destination on your bucket list. The point is not to allow them to dwell in your head.
Ending a relationship abruptly is disrespectful and not valuing you. Do you really want a relationship where you are not cherished and it is all about them? No!! You deserve much more. Move on to someone who will appreciate you.
Situationship – Being In The Middle Ground When Dating
Do you feel you are neither in the friend zone or in the romantic one? Confused about what is happening in your relationship – or even if you are in one? You are caught in the middle ground which is called situationship.
What are the signs of situationship?
Lack of commitment
It is being in a relationship without commitment. People go out together – even exclusively – and there does not seem to be a future. Spontaneity is fun. Great to do things on the spur of the moment. It keeps life exciting, unless this is how it is always. These people usually do not make plans ahead of time. Cannot commit to a date next week. When plans are made for a later time, they often bow out. The future is not mentioned. It is one thing to live in the moment, another to be stuck there., They use the word “sometime.” “Would you like to go dancing/hiking (whatever) sometime?” You answer with an enthusiastic “Yes” and nothing is planned. The future is not discussed.
In regular dating relationships, there is forward movement. Although one person may go at a slower pace, the relationship still progresses. In situationship – it is on standstill.
Lack of commitment shows up in other areas. It may seem like you both are getting closer: talking in depth about your pasts, career goals and so forth. When you start intimating more contact, they step backwards. It is a dance which they want to lead. People in situationship do not want to be pinned down. They crave their freedom, yet still have someone they can call when feel like going out. It is a way to avoid closeness which can lead (in their minds) to dating drama.
Inconsistency
What is frustrating is the inconsistency – you may go out several times in one week, and nearly a month, goes by before the next date. There is no agenda or routine schedule. There is little or no contact between dates. These individuals rarely initiate a text. They can be good at responding., which is easier than generating one. They may answer in minutes and later take days to respond.
You are doing most of the work in this relationship. Phone calls may only be when they have not heard from you in a while and are asking you out at the last minute. Tone of texts can be flirty or almost rude. Hard to figure out where you stand in this relationship.
Incongruity between body language and words
In situationship where you are is undefined. The verbal may be incongruent with the non-verbal (actions). Warm kisses on the lips, or even sex, do not go with their behaviour. They do not go out regularly with you and are silent between dates. They snuggle with you in booths, give plenty of hugs and kisses and throw in some complements. This can be refereed to as crumbs. Enough to keep you interested, but not a main course. They are treating you romantically while saying you are “Just Friends.”
It is confusing when their friends seem to think you are a couple or ask you how long the two of you have been dating. Hard to answer when not really knowing if this is considered dating. Perhaps you like their friends and are part of the other’s inner circle.
What to do
Have a discussion of your needs and expectations. Express what you are feeling, “I’m into you – very attracted.” Let them respond, pause as long as it takes to get an answer. In one case, the man’s reply was “I am not ready to take this further.” Yes, vague, but something. She is not sure if that means for this entire decade or for the next few months. Communication is important in situationship.
When being told you are “just friends” for many months, consider dating again when an opportunity arises. This can help you become less fixated on the situationship which is going nowhere.
Questions to ask yourself
Are you getting anything out of it?
Are you better with or without them?
The answers help determine if you want to enjoy the relationship for what it is or if it is time to move on. People’s self-worth can be negatively affected, particularly if they feel there is a flaw within themselves. People coming out of a toxic marriage may feel they are not worthy of anything more and accept what is happening. Be aware of your mental health, and if feeling depressed or anxious, think about making an exit. Keep in mind, you are in a situationship because of the other person, not you. They are fearful, have a traumatic history, attachment disorder, or whatever it is.
One example where it does work out is this. A woman in a situationship with a musician, realized she enjoys going to his gigs and dancing. She has fun going out for pizza periodically in-between times. She decided to stay with the man, but start dating again. She has had several dates so far, and life is fun and fulfilling for her. There is no right or wrong answer, it is what ever is best for you.
Tips For Making A Long-Distance Dating Relationship Work
Long-distance dating relationships can be challenging. Easier to keep the passion high when you can call up your partner and say “Hey, come right over.” Long-distance requires planning, not spontaneity. Many people who have been through these types of relationships, say it was worth the separation. Being sure of each other’s commitment got them through this period.
Long-distance take extra effort to keep them alive. One person might be doing more in the reaching out and this can become frustrating. Logistics have to be factored in, who is travelling and who is not. It is one thing when in the same locale, to decide who pays. Quite another when getting together requires serious money. An example is Harry, who moved and had a six-year long-distance relationship. He resented paying 100% of transportation costs for them both. No give and take financially. Eventually Harry thought about how in other areas of their relationship he was his doing most of the work. Although relationships are rarely 50-50, there has to be somewhat of a balance.
People in long-distance relationships mention how getting together in short bursts is more like being in Disneyland. Fantasy vs reality. It is like being on a holiday, doing fun activities. While this may be fine for some, others want a relationship on a deeper level.
People brought up that they missed or ignored red flags in a long-distance relationship. They concentrated on having fun instead. They dealt with the cracks when these could no longer be ignored. A local relationship could have been patched up or ended sooner. Nip problems in the bud before they get huge. Your partner is not a mind reader, so bring them up.
The Pros
Distance allows commitment to be gradual. One is more conscious of it and makes a choice instead of falling into it. You decide to be a couple and less likely to take the other person for granted. When dating in town, one can fall into a pattern. On Friday night we do this, on Sunday we go out for brunch. When living in different locales, one is not in a predictable schedule or rut.
Being apart forces one to build a stable foundation. The relationship may be moving at a slower pace. One man said there are less triggers to get to him in his long-distance relationship as are in past local ones. He also said that they met on different levels before initiating physical intimacy. One was getting to know each other spiritually. They did not jump into bed right away, as what happens when dating locally. He feels they really got to know each other first before having sex.
Tips for making it work
Communication is imperative. Be conscious of word choice. Are they expressing your intention and exact emotion? Easier to give a more ambiguous communication when not done in person. Emails and texting can seem blunt without vocal quality.
Be aware of your own emotions
Other emotions can come through subconsciously with communication such as hostility or resentment. If you are angry, disappointed, then express them using “I” statements. “I feel hurt when you take several days to answer a text.” Be direct and not sarcastic.
Keep in touch, even if a quick text “Thinking of you. Hope your day is great.”
If becoming serious, discuss where to live together. A US man with a girlfriend in Norway, advises finding neutral territory to settle. They are looking for a city which fits both of their needs. Others may want to move to a place where one of them lives, especially if that person has children. Some couples live in different loculations indefinitely and spend time blocks together. One couple does six weeks together and six weeks apart. This is working fine. Discuss if there is a time table for when living together. Or, if commuting is desirable for you both.
Flexibility is a plus in a long-distance relationship
Here is an example with a happy ending. Matthew and Elizabeth became a couple when they attended university. Matthew went on to law school and Elizabeth studied to be an ophthalmologist in different cities. She had internships in various places during the summer months when Matthew did not have law school. He stayed with her during that time for three years. Elizabeth managed to get one in Matthew’s hometown. They got together at other times during the year. The long-distance part of their relationship for lasted three years. They are blissfully married with two children. When a couple is committed to make it work, it can.
Relationship PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Portrait Of Young Shy Couple Sitting On Sofa At Home
Trauma from past relationships affects a current one. The person may do the hot/cold dance – wanting to get closer, yet afraid of being burned again. Not only is relationship PTSD traumatic for the individual, but also to the other in the relationship. The person with PTSD can be afraid to acknowledge even to themselves, deep feelings – as this has led to heartbreak previously.
UK ‘s National Health Service (NHS) defines PTSD as an “anxiety disorder caused by very stressful or distressing events.” People with PTSD have high levels of stress hormones. When danger is perceived, the body produces adrenaline to trigger the fight or flight reaction. “People with PTSD have been found to continue to produce high amounts of fight or flight hormones even when there is no danger.”
How PTSD Manifests
In relationships, the person may bolt when things are getting serious. They are okay at the beginning – the Getting To Know You stage. When simple requests/demands are voiced by their dating partner, it can be overwhelming. “Do I stay and face a risk of rejection (whatever the trigger is)?” This person dances into a relationship, then dances right out again. Or keeps the partner at an arm’s length. You might be kept in the friend zone or friends with benefits one without a commitment.
The individual with relationship PTSD can be self-medicating with either drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or all three. This is to numb themselves and tamp down emotions. It feels more comfortable to put up an emotional blockade around themselves. If they are like a zombie, then there is no opening for trauma to sneak in. This is a faulty protection mechanism which is harmful to relationships. Insomnia is another problem for those with this PTSD. Some get flashbacks whether or not in a new relationship.
A person with dating PTSD is trying to avoid being hurt again. Also tries to avoid repeating patterns which led to the trauma -being left behind and heartbreak. The Lehigh Center for Clinical Research in Allentown, PA, USA states “Avoidance is a common symptom of PTSD. If you avoid communicating with your partner about important matters such as your feelings, because building a wall to protect yourself is easier, then you may be suffering from PTSD from your last toxic relationship.”
One man, Peter, had three traumatic dating relationships in a row and developed PTSD, complete with flashbacks. He opted not to date for 10 years. He became an alcoholic trying to deal with this trauma. Attending AA meetings gave him support dealing with his life. Now he is living with a fabulous woman.
What to do when dating a survivor of PTSD
- Go Slowly.
- Be Patient
- Learn when to pull back. They may crawl into their cave when the relationship is getting too intense.
- Give them space. They not initiate contact for a few weeks.
- Allow time to build a firm foundation. Then they can begin to trust you bit by bit.
It is a delicate balancing act
Pushing to get closer scares them away. Too little leaves them guessing if you are about to do a runner, which may have led to PTSD from previous relationship. Consider sending a short, to the point text “How is your day going?” or when something notable occurs. “I didn’t get the job” or “My short story won a prize.” Responding is easier than generating a text.
Have a full life
When you are busy, your mind is focused on these activities and less likely to be dwelling on the frustration of this dating relationship. You are more interesting and enticing when you do get together. They can laugh and wonder what antics/classes/events you are up to next. Your full life gives fuel for conversations. Taking improv acting classes, having fun at karaoke an d so forth, helps you seem different from previous dating partners where trauma occurred,
You may have to accept their pattern of being there and then backing away. No one can change another person. One can express needs with “I” statements. “I need you to text or call at least once a week.” “I want to get together at least every other week.”
Questions to ask yourself
- Are you getting frustrated with the dance backwards and forwards?
- Are you getting something out of the relationship?
- Are the good times outweighing the disappearing act?
- Are you feeling secure in the relationship?
- Are you both able to discuss personal history, problems, worries, etc?
- Are they focused on you when you are speaking?
- How strongly do you feel about them? In love? Or is it lust or merely a fascination?
Your dating partner is operating from fear. Fear is their reality. They are looking for indications that they may be mistreated again. You may be able to slowly build trust and have a successful relationship. Communication is imperative. Give it your all, and then if you need to bail, you know you did everything that you could. There is hope that after a bumpy start, your relationship can be successful.
Tips for Successful Dating – What To Do
Starting to date can be challenging – how much to share and when. These tips will get you started on having a successful dating relationship. While it is important to connect with your date, giving too much information too quickly is off-putting. Just the opposite effect than what is intended. Get to know them and build trust before spilling dark secrets. The beginning of a relationship is not the time to reveal past traumas. This can scare a person away when you have recently met.
Getting to know them
A successful strategy in business networking is allowing the other person to talk first. This tactic also works well post-divorce when starting to date again. People enjoy speaking about themselves and will view you positively when they have that chance. This gives the opportunity to learn about their interests. Bit by bit share yours, particularly the ones which are similar. Ask opened ended questions which gives them a springboard to share more details. You are building connections with conversions. Can be tempting when nervous, to dump a load of information on a date. It is fine to have periods of silence, instead of every second being filled with chatter. Let your date have space to digest what you have just said.
Building rapport
Match body language. This indicates that you are receptive. It is another way to connect. When your date leans forward, lean forward also. It builds camaraderie. Occasionally nod your head to show understanding. Try to be still without fidgeting or tapping your foot. These can come across as boredom or lack of interest. Crossing your arms can mean impatience or aggression. If you are tense and your body is rigid, this can seem like you are closed off. Breathe and relax your muscles.
Giving mixed messages?
Are you friendly one time and playing hard to get the next? Be yourself and stop playing games. Being who you are is what attracted them in the first place. Sometimes a dating partner does a dance. They step backwards when the other makes an advance to try and get closer in the relationship. This can be confusing. When this happens to me, I think maybe I misinterpreted the other’s interest. I do not know whether to move on or not. Be consistent in your interactions.
Agree to disagree
There may be areas where you are on opposite sides of the fence. Politics is one of these. If you enjoy their company and your values align, say “Let’s agree to disagree on that topic.” There are plenty of other subjects to discuss. Consider not getting into anything heavy right away in a new relationship. Discover their hobbies, hidden talents, travel bucket list instead of what they think of the Prime Minister or climate change. Stay off hot topics. You are not going to convince them to change their viewpoint.
Take your time getting to know someone
It is not a race to the finish line. Nor are you cramming for an exam and have to learn all about the other person right away. Individuals move at a different pace in a relationship. One may want to get serious – even marriage – before the other has decided whether or not to stop dating around. Respect the other’s slower pace. If you try to push or rush them, it can backfire. They may do a runner. Yes, it is frustrating, to move at a slow rate. Honouring their more cautious nature will pay off in the end – keeping the relationship. They may have had a traumatic divorce and want to be absolutely sure they can trust you before getting closer.
Non-negotiable issues
What is okay and what is a deal breaker for a relationship? Post-divorce, let the other person know your boundaries. I am upfront with a new guy when the relationship could become serious. I let him know that my friends -both male and female – are important. I will not drop anyone and will continue to see them. I make it clear that I am monogamous, so there is not a trust issue.
Not all relationships are going to work out as planned. You may find there is no sexual passion for the other person when on a date. Some of those guys have turned out to be good mates. They are a great resource for getting a guy’s perspective on my dating life.
Having a sense of humour is a big plus. It gets through awkward or embarrassing moments on a date when you can have a laugh. Originally was in The Divorce Magazine.
Author Wendi Schuller is a moving on coach who especially helps people getting back into dating after a break up or divorce globalguidetodivorce.com/shop/ globalguidetodivorce.com/coaching/
13 Reasons Why You’re Single And What To Do About It
When you are successful in your professional life because you’ve worked hard at it, it stands to reason that working hard at your love life in the same way will lead to the same result, right? So why aren’t your efforts yielding the desired outcomes? Why are you still single?
The following checklist will help you uncover 13 possible reasons and what to do about it. However, don’t let this list be a source of despair, because there is a solution!
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You don’t really believe there are great single men out there. Perhaps you think all men are just after 1 thing… Limiting belief systems are like sets of tinted glasses through which you view an altered reality, selectively seeking out and focusing on what you deem to be true to support your idea of reality.
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You are following the same destructive pattern by dating the same guy with a different face over and over again. We all know what the definition of insanity is, right? You need to start doing things differently if you want a different result.
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You are holding on to your past: The secret to closing the door on your past is letting go with love and forgiveness. If you don’t let go of your past it will destroy your future. But it’s not so easy, is it? (See point 1…)
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You are scared. You may have a fear of dating, of falling in love, being emotionally attached, trusting someone, losing someone close to you. You are not alone! Pretty much everyone seems to be affected by some degree of fear of social rejection, and this fear can be debilitating. It keeps you from taking action and tricks you into believing that you are better off staying in your comfort zone and striving to be happy there and not facing the fact that you are indeed miserable.
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You have Expectations! Oh NO! You have this perfect image of who you want to date and be in a relationship with and, try as you might not to, you expect your date to fit a certain type of pre-defined criteria. 100% chance of things going wrong – and you know it, but you still….
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Self-esteem issues anyone? If you are looking to enter into a healthy relationship it is best to start developing a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost. ‘Like’ attracts ‘like’. We think we can hide low self-esteem but it shows up in so many unattractive ways. If you don’t think you’re worthy, how can someone else think so?
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Confidence. Closely related to the above, but worthy of its own point. Confidence is the key to dating success. If you aren’t confident about your worth, why would you expect someone else should take time out of their busy schedule to get to know you better?
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Boundaries! Boundaries are sexy and they tell men that you are valuable. Boundaries are evidence of high standards and values, indicate healthy self-esteem, and attract people who recognise what you live by and expect those close to you to live by. Even the most confident and successful career-woman can be tempted to loosen those boundaries to ‘keep a man’. If you are one of those, then you will always be someone else’s doormat.
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You don’t think you can be truly fulfilled without a partner, and it shows. There’s nothing attractive about that at best, and at worst it reeks of desperation. You should be living a full social life doing things you love doing with the friends and family you adore. Relationships flourish in the right social environment.
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You underappreciate the allure of your feminine energy. Many of us are out of touch with our dominant feminine energy and therefore lead unbalanced lives. Men are attracted to femininity and don’t respond well to masculine women in a romantic environment.
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You lack commitment in the area of love and relationships. You can still be living a full life, enjoy a successful career and be committed to finding a relationship. Yes you can indeed have it all! It shouldn’t drop off your ‘to do’ list in favour of chance. Where your energy goes, that’s where you go…or stay.
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You are dating from a mind-set of scarcity. You can’t imagine finding anyone, let alone opening your eyes to the abundance of choice that will become available to you when you turn that mind-set inside out and go forward with an ‘abundance mind-set’. I know it’s easier to sit back and wait for destiny to come knocking, but sorry, that’s not how it works. You therefore need to get out there and start creating choice in your love life.
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Singles are finding dating tough and telling each other just how tough it is. Well it’s tough because we are losing our social competence, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Work on your interpersonal and face-to-face communication and conversation skills, work at being approachable – and you will be.
Perhaps you need some help?
The fact is that when it comes to your love life, the ‘work hard’ approach is clearly not enough, and if you don’t address the above, it often only leads to disappointment and frustration.
You need to stop and think about doing things differently! You know you need a new approach – and you need it now, because your intimate love relationship will affect pretty much every other area of your life. It will determine your happiness, fulfillment and overall quality of life more than any of your career success or achievements ever will.
So what are you to do if you are serious about having a loving and lasting relationship with someone amazing? Find yourself a reputable Love Coach to support and love you every step of the way. To your success in love!
Author of article is Bonita Grobbelaar. Biography: Relationships and the way we embark on them have changed, and Bonita Grobbelaar believes in helping her clients to do the work from the inside out. Women who have succeeded in all areas of their life but love, have benefited from consulting with Bonita. She puts her clients back in the drivers’ seat of their lives, and helps them to map out a journey to their intended destination in love.
A believer that all women not only deserve, but are fundamentally entitled to a life they love, in the company of a solid partner through the good and the bad, Bonita specialises in guiding and supporting successful women around the globe towards healthy, lasting relationships.
Her industry experience spans over a decade, and during this time, Bonita has helped thousands of women to find and keep love. Her own experiences saw Bonita living through ten years of negative dating and a failed marriage. Questioning the reasons for this led her to a journey of great self-discovery, where probing and testing brought her to the revelation of why all areas of her life, except love, were successful.
Today, Bonita is happily married and has two daughters. She experiences deep gratitude for a life she loves daily, and teaches her clients how to apply what she has learned, to help them find balance and relationship success in their own lives. www.lovecoachbonita.com
Join my NEXT FREE workshop: Unlock Lasting Love, Without Relying On Online Dating: bit.ly/UnlockLastingLove Find time in my calendar that suits you best and let’s figure out what’s stopping you from finding the love you want and how to change that: lovecoachbonita.com/apply/
Tips On Dating For Introverts
Going on dates can be intimidating for the introvert. It is easier to stay at home and watch romantic films than go meet potential dating partners. Fear can stop people. Fear of getting tongue tied or sounding stupid can keep individuals from venturing out of their flat. There are ways to have dates and be in one’s comfort zone.
Think about going out in a group.
You can laugh and have fun without the pressure of carrying on a conversation solo. Members of the group all contribute comments. There is less of a feeling of being judged, when in a group setting, as opposed to only being the two of you. If you hit it off with someone, a private conversation is still an option.
If a person seems interested in you, it is less nerve-wracking to issue an invitation to a group activity. Say, “A bunch of us are going to the Greek Festival on Saturday. The food and music will be great – want to join us?”
Go where there is a community table.
I do this in several coffee shops and have talked to interesting people. One coffee shop is open late with led lighting which changes colour. It has DJ training classes which ensures edgy music and a lively vibe. I write in this place and encounter creative types like me.
Spend time with outgoing friends.
They will talk to others and draw people to your group. You can meet the individuals who come over for a chat. A potential date may be on the shy side too, and find talking to you in your group a bit less of a chance for rejection. Various podcasts give tips on how to meet people when by yourself or in a group.
Practice making connections.
Talk to people who are not potential dates – grannies, kids, a parent. This is like training wheels when learning how to ride a bike. Practice engaging others in conversation – the person behind you in the queue at the cashiers. I talk to people during the long wait at the post office. It makes the time pass quickly and the parting winks are nice.
Engage in conversation to those around you.
It will lead into talking to those who could be interesting to date. You are not targeting them specifically, when you talk to everyone. I chatted to people in a queue for a festival. One of them asked me out and we got engaged ten months later. One never knows.
Introverts can give off the wrong non-verbal message that they are not interested.
An introvert may turn away or avoid eye contact even though they are hearing wedding bells in their head. This is a deterrent for the other individual to pursue any more contact with the introvert. Force yourself to maintain eye contact. Turn towards the potential date. If you freeze and your brain cannot form a sentence, at least smile and nod. Anything to show interest and prevent them from misunderstanding your feelings and walking away.
Connecting with those you are interested in as a date, is a skill.
One does not learn how to play the violin overnight, so do not expect to be dazzling the first few times you attempt to meet people to date. Consider making friends with a variety of people. By doing this, an organic relationship can develop into a lifelong partnership.
Originally published in The Divorce Magazine thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
First Dates – What To Do And When To Bail
First dates can be tricky. What is expected. When to bail. The first of these two podcasts gives information about how to get ready and act on a first date. Advice given by Wendi Schuller and Daniel Isle Skye on a new dating series with podcasts released every week on datingcoach.coach
3rd podcast First Date podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-coach/id1492513803
Dating disasters. Wendi and Daniel share dates which did not work out and how to avoid these blunders.
4th episode Bad Dates podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-coach/id1492513803
Your Partner Is Not A Mind Reader
Some people getting divorced stated it was partly because their partner did not fulfill their needs. These individuals said if their partner really loved them, they would know what to do. No, your partner is not a mind reader. How can a person expect another to know what is going around in their head? A spouse does not intuitively grasp what the other person is thinking and feeling. Be specific, such as “I had a rough time at work today and want to chill for a few minutes.”
Relationships are built on good communication and not on assumptions. Ask questions to ensure that you are both on the same page. Do not assume that you both are feeling the same way. Use I statements to be clear in your communication. “I feel shut out when I sense something is wrong and you won’t talk.”
People have dealt out the silent treatment as if it were a punishment. An American man fell in love with a European woman. When she was upset, this woman would sulk for a few days and refused to have a discussion no matter how much her partner tried. He could not read her mind nor make amends for perceived acts which may have bothered her. The man eventually walked away from a person whom he loved. Counseling may have helped this couple to communicate more effectively and avoid a break-up.
Help a partner to share their thoughts by asking open ended questions. “You are more quiet tonight, what is going on?” Make it clear that you have no idea, so your partner does not expect you to telepathically know how they feel. A couple near my son with a young child, are getting divorced. The wife’s voice comes through his wall, saying “You don’t love me. If you did, you would have known that I wanted to be held when I went to sleep last night.” Or “You should have realized that I had a bad day at work and made dinner.” The husband tells my son that if he had a clue how she felt, He would have cooked the meal and so forth.
Be specific what you need. My male friends want to fix whatever needs fixing – my problem, car or wherever it is. I have to be clear, since they cannot read my mind. “I only want you to listen right now. I am going to vent about my co-worker and then we can move on to something else.” The guys then get that I want to let off some steam. If I do not express what I want, then before I am done with my story, these fellows have already formulated an action plan.
A problem may seem obvious and the way your partner contributed to it. Do not expect them to see it. Use neutral words, rather than ones which can trigger an argument. The goal is to communicate about the issue, not to start a battle or play the blame game. If you feel you were wronged, be clear about it and what can be done to rectify a mistake.
One woman was miffed that her now ex-husband messed up with her presents. Vague hints flew right over his head. She assumed that he picked up on her cues and figured out what she desired. Being direct solves the mystery of “what is she trying to say?” If there is an item you just have to have for a holiday, cut out a picture of it and mention where to purchase it. Makes life easier.
Leave “should have known” out of your vocabulary. Tell people what you want instead of them having to guess. When your feelings are hurt, discus it. Most likely your partner had no clue that they were a cause for any distress. Do not attempt to be a mind reader either, and clarify a situation. Communicating well keeps a relationship on track.
Guide For Dealing With Tricky Dating Situations After a Break Up Or Divorce
Dating again after divorce can seem like one is back in high school with the drama it can entail. One may have forgotten what it is like to have a crush on someone and hope that they feel the same way too. Or you feel like running in the opposite direction from an individual, when there is zero interest on your part for a date. Do not feel coerced into going on a date, as you do not owe them anything. Same with going on a date out of pity. You could get tangled up in a mess when trying to break free down the road.
Have some stock phrases ready for turning someone down. When there was a frequent customer at work on the verge of asking me out, I bounced a few ideas off my girlfriends on how to say “no.” Asking me out did not catch me off guard and I turned him down, kindly, but firmly.
If on the fence about going out with someone, have a coffee date. You arrive separately and can talk for two hours if you hit it off, or make a hasty retreat if you do not. There is less pressure in this casual setting. Friends who meet people on Tinder revealed that their first date or two are over lattes. One can get a sense of character over the short time span. A friend was asked out by a well-travelled, intelligent fellow. They had much in common and he insisted on a coffee get-together the following week. When she explained that she had houseguests to entertain before work, he said since the coffeeshop was next door to her place of employment he would be there waiting. He hoped she could make it. She did not like that he felt her time should be spent with him rather than with her guests. She was glad to have only had a quick coffee with tis controlling man, instead of a long evening
A painful part of dating is when only one party feels a strong attraction and the other does not. It is a delicate dance whether or not to share that you are attracted to them. The other person may reveal that they also feel a spark. Or they may look like a deer caught in the headlights with a look of fright on their face. When someone states that they want the relationship as friends only, accept it. You are not going to change how they feel about you. It can be tempting to think “Well, if I lose weight/whiten my teeth/ take up tennis (or whatever), they will find me irresistible.” In this case it is clear that dating is not on the horizon. Think about if you can have a platonic relationship with your crush or if it is better to cut ties and move on.
One may not be aware that they are giving off mixed signals which can be confusing. An example is, two male friends told me to stop wearing rings on my wedding finger. When I protested that the jewellery was ethnic looking, they said “yes, up close, but from across a room they look like wedding rings on that finger. That keeps a guy from approaching you. Or you don’t want the men who are only interested in married women.” This goes for men too. A woman sees the flash of silver or gold on the wedding finger and assumes it is a wedding band.
Potential dates talk and compare notes. My male hairdresser says his female customers routinely complain about going to venues and not getting asked to dance. These women say the first guy or two who approached them to dance was too fat, too skinny, bald etc. so they declined. No one else came near. Other men notice when women say “no” and leave them alone. Guys tell their buddies that those ladies do not want to be bothered. Get up and dance with those less than perfect guys so you appear approachable.
I was about to break up with a long-time boyfriend when a guy I worked with asked me out. I wanted to date him, however was not yet available. Instead of being truthful about my situation and that that I was interested in dating a bit later, I said an abrupt “no.” He never asked again. When single again, a married male buddy confided that this doctor told the rest of them not to ask me out. Again, word gets around.
Listen to your intuition when someone seems a bit off or a situation does not seem right. Take your time getting to know an individual and dating will go more smoothly.
How to Maintain a Relationship – People Share Their Secrets
This is a cross processed photo of a young African American couple with the city behind them.
Tips on how to avoid potential pitfalls when dating. It can be puzzling how other folks stay together for half of a century when your relationships last for a few dates. A variety of couples graciously revealed their secrets to what makes a relationship last.
Just let go
At the end of the day, let go of the trivial things which happened. Do not get worked up over the small stuff, but rather focus on what is important. When we carry all of these insignificant grudges around, they become a big load. No one is perfect – so give your partner some slack. Do not keep score. “I did this so you had better do that.” One acquaintance kept a tally of grievances and when she reached a high number, they got a divorce. A friend kept track of who did what chores. She expected them to be split 50/50 even though she worked fewer hours outside of the home. That ended in divorce. Your spouse’s actions are not motivated by malice, so just let go. We all have annoying quirks.
No one has the power to “make” you happy
People have divorced or broken up with partners when that individual no longer “made them happy.” We choose our feelings and no one else has the power to make us feel a certain way. It is in our control to be happy or not. Long -term couples said that they required other relationships besides the marital one, such as being in clubs and with friends. The Dalai Lama states “True happiness does not depend on an external being or thing. It only depends upon us.” When becoming unhappy, that is a red flag to have a discussion with your partner. One woman informed her husband that she wanted a divorce because she was so unhappy. Talking this through, they discovered that she missed her old job and was miserable being a stay-at-home mom. Once back in the workforce, she was content with her life.
Follow your gut instinct
A priest said that he talks to both mothers when doing weddings. He tells these ladies not to interfere with their children’s relationship. Do not let your friends interfere with your relationship either. Friends can mean well, however give lousy advice that is detrimental. They may have their own agenda, which does not align with yours. Two co-workers were close and the friend played racquetball with the other’s husband. She pretended to support her married pal, but the end result was that the couple got divorced and the other two got married. Trust your gut instinct and do not rely on others to offer opinions on what to do. I knew it would be a mistake to get married to my now ex-husband. An older family friend kept insisting it was only “pre-wedding jitters” and to go through with it. Big mistake listening to her.
Be careful about what you say
Be careful of what you confide to others -especially when going through a difficult time. Friends will side with you and may not like your partner after hearing your complaints about him or her. They often continue to loathe them after your problems are resolved. You may be told you are too good for your spouse, when personal details are overshared with family and friends. What you say in anger can have a negative effect on their viewpoint of your partner and of you remaining in the relationship.
Share
Couples stated that sharing was important, which includes sharing child care responsibilities. One father said that he is “the bottle washer” since his wife also works full time. Sharing household duties means looking around for what needs to be done and not waiting for a partner to ask for help.
Have fun and a sense of humor
Many said having a sense of humor keeps things running smoothly. Laughter connects people and having fun adds spice to the relationship. Couples have taken up Salsa dance lessons, golf, joined gourmet dining clubs or got into volunteering. They have become active in community issues or rediscovered a long-lost passion in life. These people are reinventing themselves together on the same path. Life events have kept some individuals from traveling in the past. I have met many couples in second marriages exploring the world and ticking off exotic places from their Bucket Lists. Others have gotten involved in projects together, such as renovating a house for retirement is a sunny locale.
At a fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration, the wife said that “commitment is love – you can’t have love without commitment.” When they went through rough patches, they each knew the other was committed to the marriage and was not going to bolt. Secrets to lasting love is to have kindness, be respectful of your partner and put them first in your life above others.
Originally published in Divorce Force www.divorceforce.com/
Tips For Going On A First Date Post-Divorce
Going on a first date after a divorce has its challenges. One may have done well finding a person online that seems compatible or through an old-fashioned introduction. Now comes the hardest part – making a great first impression and sustaining that throughout the evening. A speech on networking at a Toastmasters International meeting had a lot in common with dating. The audience was surprised that when initially meeting someone, to keep 99% of the conversation on that person.
Ask Your Date Questions About Them
In networking which also pertains to dating, begin with asking about their family and move on to what is their occupation. Ask what are their hobbies and interests, finishing up with inquiring what really matters to them. What gives meaning to their lives, their passion and what makes them tick. People enjoy talking about themselves, and by asking these questions you will be viewed as the most interesting person on the planet. There is now rapport and it is a good time to start revealing fascinating tidbits about yourself.
Reveal A little At A Time
Bombarding someone with your life story when first meeting them is a turn off. One acquaintance wondered why she rarely got a second date. She did not ask the above mentioned questions and focused the conversation solely on herself. A co-worker told too personal details about her body functions and friends’ sex lives. Have some decorum.
Be Aware Of Your Body Language
Have a friendly demeanor and be cognizant of your body language. Arms folded across your body can mean “stay away” or as in Martial Arts, a sign of aggression. Nervous habits such as jingling change in your pocket or tapping your foot can be interpreted as impatience. Watch the amount of eye contact. Too little indicates lack of interest and staring can be uncomfortable for the receiver.
Have Conversations Topics Ready
Be up-to-date on current news and major sporting events, like the Super Bowl. Be able to have discussions, but try to veer away from religion and politics on a first date. Have some amusing stories about co-workers, travel adventures and so forth ready in case you get tongue-tied or your mind goes blank. Pauses in conversation are okay and not every second has to be filled in by talking.
It is fine to mention that you are a parent, but hold the cute toddler tales. Let your date know you are a well-rounded adult, not a one dimensional person. This does not only pertain to being a parent, but also when focusing on one aspect of your life. For example. I briefly dated an attorney whose whole existence revolved around his job. When I suggested that we see a film, he said that he did not own any casual clothes and would have to wear trousers from one of his suits. I knew this relationship would not work out, so ended it quickly.
A multi-faceted person is enticing. Having a full life before dating is more attractive to someone than having dating be your life. Please read more www.divorcemag.com/blog/tips-for-first-date-after-divorce/