How to Break up with Partner having Borderline Personality Disorder

Breaking up or divorcing a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder can be challenging. Have firm boundaries with consequences for violations.  The men from these  true life cases give advice to others who are going through similar break ups. Two men that broke up with women who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) share their experiences and advice. One got a divorce and the other had great difficulty disentangling himself from his girlfriend. Both of the women tried to stop the break ups which seemed to trigger their fear of abandonment.

Choosing Right Divorce Professional and Type of Divorce

Jeff who is a martial arts instructor, reached his limit of tolerance and consulted with a highly recommended Family Law Firm. He was asked if he wanted a solicitor who was nurturing and would hold his hand all through proceedings. The other choice was an avenger who was no nonsense. He chose the second one and asked if she had dealings with anyone with BPD. Jeff cautions others to ensure that a potential legal representative is experienced with BPD cases. His solicitor kept emotion out of divorce for both him and the wife’s solicitor. Although a bit like a robot, she was effective and controlled proceedings in a matter-of-fact tone. They both agreed that litigation was the best type of divorce for this situation. He did not want to be in a room with his spouse and wanted a judge to preside over proceedings.

Divorcing A Spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder

They had a rocky marriage from the start, however Jeff stuck it out to be a good step-dad to Tara’s son. They had bought an expensive car when married, and Tara insisted upon receiving that one during the division of personal property. Jeff got the ancient one. The step-son called Jeff and demanded that he turn his car over to him so he could get to school. Jeff refused as he needed his car for work. His mum did not want to take over Jeff’s former task of doing the school runs. Although he realized that his wife was using her son as a pawn in their divorce, Jeff questions how close he and the boy really were. Jeff advises to keep kids out of proceedings and tell them that they are not messengers. Have your solicitor put an end to the other parent using youngsters as a tool, to try and get more from the divorce. Jeff’s solicitor made sure he had meticulous financial records to cut down on arguments and false claims by the other side. Tara tried to have Jeff pay her £1000/month for his business. The solicitor quickly said that if she made a claim, that would also entail taking on his debt. It was dropped. Looking back, Jeff wished he had paid more attention to husband number one, who stated he was terrified of Tara.

How to Set Boundaries

In another case, Jim dated a women with Borderline Personality Disorder who was clingy and shunned him when he supposedly did something wrong. She wanted others to be on her side and keep Jim attached to her.  Amy would stop by Jim’s hair salon and bring him unplanned lunches. This was disruptive to his clients when he was in the middle of treatments. When Jim was backing away, Amy would try to hook him in with an unusual amount of sex. People with BPD have impulsive behaviour and Amy was having multiple affairs. When Jim would attempt to end their relationship, Amy acted so sweet, that he gave her another chance. It finally became too much when Jim felt he was a prisoner and Amy was keeping friends and family away. Amy had met with a therapist, but decided not to continue.

We planned his exit strategy. I told him to read about BPD with the probability that Amy also was narcissistic. This new knowledge empowered him to set boundaries. Jim told Amy he was definitely through and there would be no going back. He made it clear that his apartment and work place were off limits. He explained the situation to his landlord who then changed the locks. Jim told neighbours not to let Amy into their flats or give out any information to her. His co-workers were on board and would not accept food, presents, notes or anything from Amy. They were not to let her linger either. If Jim was there, he told her calmly and without emotion, to leave or he would call the police. Jim blocked her number from his cell and let calls to the business phone go to message first. Friends and family were apprised of the situation and did not reveal anything to Amy if she contacted them. It was a community effort to help set boundaries, but after several months she started to drift away. Jim said the big thing was holding firm to boundaries and having others to support him in this endeavour.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder can have successful marital and parental relationships, although in these two cases the women declined therapy. Breaking free from with someone with BPD can be difficult, so enlist others for help. Document any harassment in case you need a restraining order. Talking with a life coach may be invaluable for helping you plan your departure and getting on with life.

Originally published in The Divorce Magazine   thedivorcemagazine.co.uk