What Surprised Me about Divorce
There were surprises both good and challenging in the post-divorce period for me. I learned to expect the unexpected! Below are 8 things that surprised me after my divorce. 1. The sense of freedom was a delightful discovery. I could plan trips where and when I wanted (with notifying our court-appointed mediator). After my sons left home, I took advantage of a flash sale for a last minute river cruise in Europe. My divorced friend also took 2 seconds in deciding to go and we just got back from sailing in the Czech Republic and Germany for nearly a 75% discount! My sons and I could eat on the run en route to a movie or spur of the moment activity. I didn’t realize how bound we were to a schedule until after my divorce. 2. I need less “stuff” after my divorce. The serving platters used for business entertaining gathered dust until my last garage sale. I seemed to use objects to build a cocoon around me during an unhappy marriage. I thought beautifying our house would make it easier to get through a turbulent time. I feel so much lighter now and less tied down after having a massive clear out of art, furniture and half of my things. You can even sell unwanted jewelry to help with finances. This philosophy of not accumulating more stuff frees up time for adventures when traveling since I am not spending that time shopping. 3. Post-divorce finances was a mixed bag for me. I thought I would be earning more post-alimony, however, my expenses are lower than anticipated, so there is a balance. As long as I can do some travelling I am okay. Finances seemed to be a big concern with my divorced friends, so we happily meet for coffees instead of…
Co-Parenting with a Sociopath
Sociopath is also called antisocial personality disorder and is one of the most difficult people to have as a co-parent. New research has indicated that there can be a genetic link to having antisocial personality disorder and it sometimes runs in families. Sociopaths are highly represented in the prison populations. People with antisocial personality disorder can be impulsive and reckless. Many are highly intelligent and choose occupations where they have power, such as politicians, police, clergy, trial attorneys, and surgeons. Sociopaths lack empathy and compassion for others, yet seem (pretending) to care about them. Their good works are for show and glory only. They blame others and do not see the need to change themselves, so are not prone to seek therapy. People with antisocial personality disorder manipulate more vulnerable people, such as their children. They have a sense of entitlement and use others to obtain what they feel is due to them out of life. They blame others and are prime candidates for committing parental alienation. Sociopaths can explode with rage which frightens kids, or the youngsters shut down to avoid being a trigger for this fury. Life is not stable when a parent’s moods are so labile. This is emotional abuse. Sociopaths can be charming and may have swayed the court into granting ample shared time. Document everything, including what the children say, and your e-mail interactions. Their charisma may influence people in your children’s lives, such as teachers, who may support this enchanting parent. They have no scruples and will try to corrupt their kids into doing dangerous or illegal activities. One sociopath showed hardcore internet pornography to his young sons, acting as if this is normal. He threatened them not to tell their mother, or it would be their fault if the mum then broke up the family….
Dealing with Past Regrets
It is easy to fall into the trap of living in regrets. One may regret the distribution of assets in divorce. Another cannot seem to get through a week without saying, “If only I had…” My two sons are pragmatic, and calmly state, “Well that’s in the past – get over it!” when I rue that I did not buy a lifetime pass to United’s Red Carpet Lounge. I did not realize that it was a one-time opportunity, and I had put it off. When asking people about any regrets, the overwhelming answer was what that they regret what they did not do, rather than what they did. It was actions or possibilities not taken, not what they did or had said. Lucille Ball of “I Love Lucy” stated, “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things that I haven’t done.” I used to be a trauma nurse in a busy surgical intensive care unit. Some patients who felt death was knocking on the door were willing to talk about their past. All were calm and ready to go, but had a common theme about their lives. The universal comment was letting opportunities pass them by or being too afraid to take chances. It was not about what they had done (with the exception of working too many hours and missing out on family life), but instead what they hadn’t done. That regret shaped my attitude of spending as much time possible with my sons. A regret can be a wake-up call that something needs to be changed. It can be a positive stimulus to make an adjustment in your life, such as embarking on a new career path that holds more meaning and passion for you. If you are regretting some life choices, then let this…
Getting Back into Dating Post-Divorce
It can be scary getting back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. Work on your own issues first before getting into a new relationship. One’s self-esteem may be close to non-existent after a toxic marriage. One woman I know dated right after the ink was dry on her divorce decree. She equated sleeping around with a slew of men as being popular and these relationships were short-lived. She got a reality check during therapy and now opts for quality over quantity regarding men. Before You Date Again: Write down what you are looking for in a future partner: Ethics, values, kindness, interests and so forth are important in any relationship they are especially important in men you want to date. What is a deal breaker for you? Do an intake of what you have to offer someone else and see if these qualities are similar to what you are seeking in someone else. Ask trusted friends for an honest assessment of your behavior to see if you have anything which is annoying or off-putting. One of my friends laughs like a hyena, I suggested she tone it down. And I had to suggest to another that she close her mouth when she chews. These are little things but may influence a guy not to want a second date. Be specific about the kind of man you want to meet in your profile: Have an accurate profile and be very specific what you are looking for in a partner. Use your intuition to weed out the nutjobs. It may be worth the extra money to go to a professional matchmaking service who does extensive personality testing and background checks. They do personal interviews to ensure compatibility right from the start. This saves time and effort when zeroing in on just…
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