Mindfulness in Divorce
A way to keep one’s sanity in the divorce process is by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is mainstream and not in the sole domain of gurus. It not a New Age thing, but has been done for over a millennium, especially in Buddhism. Mindfulness is about being focused on the happy activity you are doing with the kids and casting worries aside. It is experiencing and being fully in the moment, whether strolling the cobbled stone streets of Tuscany or baking brownies with a child. Mindfulness is being engaged in an endeavor without being on autopilot because your thoughts are elsewhere. Mindfulness is useful in divorce. When concentrating on the divorce session, one is able to take in the information, process it, and make rational decisions. Being immersed in the present lessens fear based reactions of when one’s mind is drifting into worst case scenarios. Staying focused in the moment allows one to clarify confusing points, ask pertinent questions and not make decisions in haste. This is keeping the mind from being scattered. When thoughts are veering off into many directions it is easier to miss some key points in the proceedings. Mindfulness is looking at the here and now and not dwelling in the past which cannot be changed. The what ifs, such as “What if I had only…..” is detrimental and not going to alter your current circumstance. Mentally living in the distant future also causes one to miss out on life now. When I was in a toxic marriage, I was dreaming about being on my own after my last child graduated from high school. Instead of doing something about my marriage (fix it or divorce sooner), I was not fully present, enjoying every moment of my sons’ childhoods. It is fine to have goals and direction, but…
Divorcing and Co-parenting with a Passive-Aggressive Person
Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating. They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it. They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform. Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs. They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions. They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply. They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements. Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life. The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course. You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop. Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did. He may…
The Dos and Don’ts of Friendship Post-Divorce
Divorce clarifies who is friend and who is foe. Someone who stuck by you through thick and thin may not necessarily do so post-divorce. Other people may pleasantly surprise you. My husband had a friend who knew him from their teenage years and was in my women’s club. I am shocked how friendly she and her husband remain after our acrimonious divorce. I get hugs and they genuinely want to know how my sons and I are doing. I still do not reveal any very personal tidbits about our lives, but appreciate this unanticipated source of support. Right after my divorce was finalized, I ran into her with her daughter when buying myself spa products. They enthusiastically said I deserved to be pampered. How nice. Friendships are give and take, so reassess if you seem to be always be on the giving end. If you have friends who suck the life out of you, then perhaps it is time to move on without these vampire energy drainers. Do you have a drama queen friend who flits from crisis to crisis? During one’s divorce – it is our turn to be on the receiving end of attention and concern, not doling it out to others. If this person refuses to listen to your woes, or be there for you, then consider pulling away. One way is to say, “I am dealing with my own situation right now and am no longer available.” The tricky part is deciding how to end or wind down a friendship that is no longer working. When a friendship has become toxic, one way of dealing with this is to be direct, but polite. Consider saying something along this vein, “Our friendship seems to have run its course. Thanks for the good times and I wish you…
Getting Along with In-laws
Your spouse may be under their parents’ control and this becomes more apparent after the wedding. Instead of putting you first- his/her parents may retain their position of being in charge of their life. There are ways to loosen those ties without severing them completely. 1. Get some clear boundaries. Robert Frost was correct when he stated “Good fences make good neighbors.” Set up your fences (boundaries) with your in-laws to make sure that you are all on the same page. They may be used to just popping in whenever they please with family and friends. Let know that your policy is for everyone to call first. If you have a health issue, that can be your excuse. One woman with lupus explained that she required naps and down time and even had a locked gate to keep out unwanted visitors. 2. Do not give your in-laws your house key for emergencies. Instead, give it to a neighbour or friend. Even if you are out of town, that can be an opportunity to snoop. One woman was stark naked when her in-laws walked into her house unannounced. If they have keys, have the locks changed, stating that too many people have access to your house keys. 3. Set up guidelines with your spouse regarding what personal information can be shared with others, whether it is financial or intimate subjects. If in-laws are nosey, be vague or say that is between Jerry and me. 4. In-laws may give unsolicited advice, no matter how loving they are. Have some stock answers ready for this barrage of suggestions. Some are: “I’ll check on that”, “I will get the pediatrician’s input” or “that is interesting.” Some savvy women pre-empted unwanted advice by asking specifically what to do in a situation. Some answers were actually helpful and…
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