The Dos and Don’ts of Friendship Post-Divorce
Divorce clarifies who is friend and who is foe. Someone who stuck by you through thick and thin may not necessarily do so post-divorce. Other people may pleasantly surprise you. My husband had a friend who knew him from their teenage years and was in my women’s club. I am shocked how friendly she and her husband remain after our acrimonious divorce. I get hugs and they genuinely want to know how my sons and I are doing. I still do not reveal any very personal tidbits about our lives, but appreciate this unanticipated source of support. Right after my divorce was finalized, I ran into her with her daughter when buying myself spa products. They enthusiastically said I deserved to be pampered. How nice. Friendships are give and take, so reassess if you seem to be always be on the giving end. If you have friends who suck the life out of you, then perhaps it is time to move on without these vampire energy drainers. Do you have a drama queen friend who flits from crisis to crisis? During one’s divorce – it is our turn to be on the receiving end of attention and concern, not doling it out to others. If this person refuses to listen to your woes, or be there for you, then consider pulling away. One way is to say, “I am dealing with my own situation right now and am no longer available.” The tricky part is deciding how to end or wind down a friendship that is no longer working. When a friendship has become toxic, one way of dealing with this is to be direct, but polite. Consider saying something along this vein, “Our friendship seems to have run its course. Thanks for the good times and I wish you…
Getting Along with In-laws
Your spouse may be under their parents’ control and this becomes more apparent after the wedding. Instead of putting you first- his/her parents may retain their position of being in charge of their life. There are ways to loosen those ties without severing them completely. 1. Get some clear boundaries. Robert Frost was correct when he stated “Good fences make good neighbors.” Set up your fences (boundaries) with your in-laws to make sure that you are all on the same page. They may be used to just popping in whenever they please with family and friends. Let know that your policy is for everyone to call first. If you have a health issue, that can be your excuse. One woman with lupus explained that she required naps and down time and even had a locked gate to keep out unwanted visitors. 2. Do not give your in-laws your house key for emergencies. Instead, give it to a neighbour or friend. Even if you are out of town, that can be an opportunity to snoop. One woman was stark naked when her in-laws walked into her house unannounced. If they have keys, have the locks changed, stating that too many people have access to your house keys. 3. Set up guidelines with your spouse regarding what personal information can be shared with others, whether it is financial or intimate subjects. If in-laws are nosey, be vague or say that is between Jerry and me. 4. In-laws may give unsolicited advice, no matter how loving they are. Have some stock answers ready for this barrage of suggestions. Some are: “I’ll check on that”, “I will get the pediatrician’s input” or “that is interesting.” Some savvy women pre-empted unwanted advice by asking specifically what to do in a situation. Some answers were actually helpful and…
Facing New Year’s Eve Post-Divorce
Divorce is particularly challenging during the holiday season. One is used to having a date for New Year’s Eve and now for the first time in several decades, one is alone. Take stock of your situation and decide if you want to be with others or hole up at home. It is nice when family members are nearby and would enjoy your company watching global festivities on the telly (as I did with my mum the first two New Year’s Eves post-divorce). Get in your sister’s good graces by offering to watch your little nephews on that evening. Get the word out among friends and co-workers that you are available to babysit. Plan something fun to do with those extra pounds earned, maybe a spa treatment or two. Near the end of my unhappy marriage, I did taxes one New Year’s Eve. After my divorce, I knew any New Year’s Eves would top some of the ones I had while still married. Putting my life in perspective helped me to move on and enjoy the holiday. If you want to spend New Year’s Eve home alone, you can say that you already have plans, if asked. Otherwise, well-meaning friends may want to drag you along to some gatherings with their social circle. Save an exciting new novel for that evening. Post-divorce, I was on a cruise ship for two New Year’s Eves with my sons. There were extravagant decorations, much fanfare, not to mention the scrumptious nearly midnight buffet. The dance floor was so crowded, that a partner was not required. The festivities included a show, concerts, and a raffle on the second cruise. I won the grand prize of a cruise for two, so my evening was ever so exciting. Consider going away, as several other divorced friends have…
Dealing with Your Ex-Spouse’s Remarriage
Your ex-spouse’s remarriage can stir up a myriad of emotions, from jealousy to feelings of abandonment. You may have thought that you were getting over your divorce, only to be pulled back into experiencing the loss of your marriage again. It is hard when one spouse has moved on and one still feels stuck. Here are some ways to deal with this episode in your life and get through the day. Distraction is the secret to getting through the day of your ex’s remarriage. Plan on doing something special for that day – to keep you occupied. Sitting around with nothing to do gives more time to brood. Have friends go on a day outing to a nearby city or get pampered at a spa. Hiking or skiing will keep you busy and help take your mind off your woes. If feasible, this is the time to explore the streets of Rome or get lost in a labyrinth of alleyways in some exotic locale. Getting away and having your own adventure is an antidote to this situation. Examine your feelings to determine if it is the wedding itself that bothers you, or something deeper within yourself. The remarriage could be triggering feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling settled in your life or job. Although you may not want to reconcile with your former spouse, a remarriage can shine a spot light on your lack of dates and relationships. You may feel that she does not have the right to happiness when you are still so miserable. Consider talking to a divorce coach if your former spouse’s marriage seems to create a new road block to moving on. Getting a reality check and strategies from a professional can work wonders in illuminating a new path for healing after divorce. Please read…
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