Returning to the Workplace During Divorce
The April 11, 2013 New York Times newspaper’s magazine section had an article by Judith Warner that discussed returning to work after a long hiatus raising children. Some of the women were facing divorce and had to jump back into the workplace. A question was raised, is it better to get a job during the divorce or wait until it has ended. A woman’s divorce attorney told her “Before you do anything, you get a job. You have to look at the next 30 years of your life, and if you are in control of the situation, and you have a job that’s paying you money, he’s going to be far less powerful over you in the divorce.” Before my divorce, I was forced out of my job in our jointly owned business. My divorce attorney also insisted that I immediately find employment. Besides earning a little extra cash in this part-time position, it helped keep my sanity intact and gave me more power in my divorce proceedings. Since it was far less income than co-owning a business, it may have given me more leverage in my alimony amount. One hurdle with determining alimony is that it can be calculated on what you can potentially earn, even if out of the workplace for many years. It is a toss up if quickly finding any old job during a divorce helps with increased alimony, but it can boost self-esteem. The article discussed how women may be able to get back into the job market. Schools are great places to network with well placed parents who have contacts in one’s field. One woman said that she did not even have to fill out a resume because these parents knew her talents and a job materialized. Warner stated “those who hadn’t been sufficiently strategic in…
Financial Fasting a New Trend
Financial Fasting works much like diet fasting does when one reduces calories for a day of two a week. This is particularly helpful for those just emerging from a life transition, such as divorce. Fasting may be short lived, such as when one wants to lose a few pounds before a special event. Or it can be long term, as some of my European friends do. Think of your finances in a similar vein. UK’s Women & Home magazine’s August 2013 issue has an article describing this latest trend. Cut down on expenses for one or two days a week and spend your normal amounts on the other days. This will get you ahead of the financial game and put some extra cash in your bank account. You may want to just have a designated time period for this financial fast, such as three months with an option to extend it. For me, seeing a short-term goal makes it easier to do. The article suggested the usual, bring your lunch and leave your credit cards at home on fasting days. It also suggested viewing the financial fast as a trade. You are giving up some extra frivolous expenditures for something that you would really enjoy, such as a facial. You could have a special ongoing goal as my sons and I do. We have a vibrant pottery canister that is our “Travel Fund.” We forgo extra clothes, gadgets, etc and put that money into the Travel Fund. We fast financially, by going to coffee shops instead of expensive dinners. Give this Financial Fast a go and see your dream reached a little quicker.
Family Dynamics Changing Post-divorce
Some family relationships may take a nose dive post-divorce and you may go through the grieving process for what is lost and will never be again. Take Naomi for example, she had written her step-mother regularly and sent cards for every occasion. She felt that they had a good long distance relationship. Her sons had told their step-grandmother about some abuse that they had suffered during the marriage and subsequent therapy post-divorce. The step-grandmother kept in contact with the ex, despite the boys’ wishes. Naomi wrote her step-mother saying that she and the boys would be in town for a short visit and gave two possible dates to get together. Imagine her shock when her step-sister wrote a scathing note back stating that her mother did not want to see them because the ex had a different story regarding his sons. The step-sister and Naomi only exchanged Christmas cards, so she was surprised at the intensity of the venom. The step-sister also was a friend of the ex on Facebook, although she had not seen him in over 15 years. Sometimes you just have to let people go and realize that this is in your own and children’s best interest. If someone has an idea so entrenched in their brain, it may be better just not to respond. Or keep them at a distance and only exchange holiday cards, without a personal message. Another issue in a situation like this, is how to gently explain something to your children. Part of the vitriol of that letter was specifically directed at her younger son. She told both boys that Grandma was unable to meet up with them for that visit. Naomi is going to show her other son (in his early 20s) that letter a bit later. You don’t want to…
Visitation When There Has Been Previous Abuse Pre-divorce
During the divorce process, there are two attorneys and possibly an interim child psychologist looking over the parents’ shoulders during visitation. They are checking to make sure that a parent is not trying to alienate the other one and that the children are having smooth transitions. In the majority of cases visitation goes well with children benefiting with the presence of both parents in their lives. When there has been some past abuse or the children feel threatened, or unsafe, then measures can be taken. These tips help children feel more comfortable. Get a track phone for your child with an x amount of prepaid minutes. Some of these phones will let you program a few important numbers in them. I taped that track phone’s number and my son’s therapist one on the back for any emergency. Just carrying the phone discreetly in a pocket can help a youngster feel more secure. Bach Flower Rescue Remedy comes in a dose for children This is for an acute, stressful situation, if one should arise. I would only send this with an older child who understands how to correctly take this stress remedy. Another helpful hint is letting the child take a small object that helps her feel more powerful. It may be a saint’s medal or a special natural stone with certain perceived protective properties. My younger son got a Chinese character with a specific meaning from a compassionate shopkeeper. He still wears it around his neck for ongoing protection. My older son also included a smooth gemstone in his pocket that he fingered when upset. Maybe a small toy would be comforting for a young child. If the older child drops out of visitation when she turns 18 and the younger one refuses to go alone, then supervised visitation is…
SIGN UP FOR OUR NEWSLETTER
© 2023 Wendi’s Tips. All Rights Reserved. Website by Noventum