Divorcing a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder
Mediation and collaborative divorces have been referred to as “more friendly” with a goal to keep the door open to having a relationship post-divorce. Some people who divorced individuals with personality disorders, felt safer in the court room with a judge presiding. This is particularly true with spouses who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder People with BPD have a fear of abandonment which can become worse with divorce. They have poor and unstable interpersonal relationships. They tend to put someone up on a pedestal and revere them. When that person does something not liked, they become bitterly despised. People are categorized as being wonderful or not worthy of their adoration. Folks with BPD have overly intense emotions which fluctuate vastly. They are controlling and this includes controlling communication between people they know. BPD people are threatened by a partner’s success so criticize in order to tear them down in the belief it will keep them dependent and prevent abandonment (divorce). Their impulsive behaviour – affairs, drug use, and alcoholism may be a factor in their partner wanting out of the relationship. People with BPD have a sense of emptiness with a distorted self-image. When married, one may have tip-toed around them to avoid activating the BPD spouse’s intense anger. The departing spouse’s self-esteem may be low after spending time with this judgemental person. Setting Boundaries Ways to get through divorce from a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder include having clear boundaries. You can send a strong message that all communication goes to your solicitor and not to you. Have consequences if boundaries are violated. Follow through with consequences, such as blocking their calls and e-mails or changing your phone number. Instruct staff at work not to put those calls through to you or get a…
Dealing with Empty Nest as a Single Parent
It may be that you and your spouse waited until the last child was out of the house before filing for divorce. Or it could be that you both drifted so far apart that Empty Nest was the catalyst for going your separate ways. In my case, it was a few years post-divorce when I had to face being by myself. My married friends have their spouses for company and go dining out or make impromptu trips to the cinema. When alone in a quiet house without another adult companion, time may seem to stand still between their visits home. How to Get Through Empty Nest Part of getting through Empty Nest is reframing negative thoughts and looking for what is positive. I do not have a surly teen at home, but have a cuddly feline fellow in a tuxedo who enjoys hanging out together. I have more me time to read mysteries while munching on chocolate, instead of being a chauffeur. Make sure to nurture yourself when feeling morose. One dad said what got him through the early stages of Empty Nest was knowing his son was ecstatically happy at his university. He has many friends, activities, clubs, and is engaged in his courses. Some people stay in touch daily with their kids, by a short text and catch up with a call on the weekend. They feel connected to them and still part of their lives. Distraction helps ward off the Empty Nest Blues. Do something that you have enjoyed in the past, but maybe did not have the time to continue when raising youngsters. Some folks got back in to a sport and joined an amateur city league. I started Zumba classes the week my youngest left home. Every year, I plan get-togethers with pals for the…
Where to get Help When Facing Divorce
I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to prepare for divorce and keep it peaceful. Here are my best tips: There are ways to prepare for a divorce when it is only a matter of when. See what resources are available where you live by calling your local United Way. When my divorce started, I felt like I was wandering around in a fog. United Way told me about a course that was given by our community college (also nationally) called “Women in Transition,” which helped tremendously. MeetUp.com is world-wide and has various groups, including divorce-focused ones in some locales. There are divorce magazines online which are packed with articles on preparing for and getting through divorce. Some churches have divorce workshops. If in a rocky marriage heading towards divorce, think about what personal property (yours alone) that you could sell for immediate cash. Consider opening a bank account in your name only in order to have access to funds in case community ones are frozen. Some people buy gift cards or request them as presents when their spouses seemed ready to depart. Gather your support system around you when preparing for divorce. They can help with practical tasks, such as babysitting or listening when you need to vent. You are not alone and people can help you every step of the way. You can read the full article here: How to Prepare for Divorce You can find more useful tips on how to prepare for divorce in this post we contributed to on Equitable Mediation’s website.
Getting Past Obstacles Post-Divorce
During or after divorce – there are obstacles which make chasing a dream or pursuing a goal challenging. Sometimes barriers to success are more in our minds than in actuality. People are stressed out and often do not think a situation through, but more on a superficial level. This is where friends come into the picture. Discuss where you feel stuck and are not able to get past an obstacle. Let friends bounce their ideas around and a feasible solution may be discovered. Really listen and be open to their suggestions. Several people I know who had problems post-divorce, talked about them endlessly. However when we gave practical tips on how to solve these dilemmas, they were quick to find reasons why they could not work. It was as if they did not want to move on and enjoyed wallowing in their dramas. Reframe Your Situation Getting through an obstacle post-divorce correlates with how first aid is performed. One does an assessment of the injury or situation. One looks at what is really going on, how it happened and the extent of the damage. The next step is to evaluate one’s capabilities. Is one able to remedy the problem or is additional help required? With a patient, they may need an x-ray or stitches which is out of your scope of practice. Next is to reframe the situation and act on it. Instead of seeing a situation as a catastrophe, it is reframed as being a minor setback. One cleans a wound and applies a bandage or comforts an individual until an ambulance arrives. Can You Fix It? When facing a barrier hindering your success, do an assessment. Really look at your situation and attempt to understand what happened. Is it something totally out of you control that you just…
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