Divorce Changes Relationships – Both Family and Friends
Divorce brings all sorts of surprises which includes how much it changes relationships. Ones you took for granted may collapse or end up being the foundation of your support. Keep in mind that those close to you are processing their own feelings and may not be able to be an immediate pillar of support. Your parents may genuinely be fond of your spouse and are sorting through their mixed emotions. Family does not have to go into mourning when they realize that their ties are not being severed, but can see your former spouse at holiday get-togethers. IN-LAWS The relationship with in-laws will be different. One woman decided to have a business-like one with her former mother-in law which focused only on the children. She contacts this grandmother about their school and sporting events and takes the youngsters over to her house. They are civil, but not warm to each other, which is okay. MUTUAL FRIENDS Mutual friends can be trickier and may choose sides. If having an amicable divorce where you plan to stay in touch afterwards, get the word out to others. Their inclination may be to drop one of you, so inform them that both of you can attend the same gatherings. When couples mainly socialize together as a unit, divorce usually puts an end to that. See if it is feasible to have individual friendships post-divorce. The women meet for lattes and the fellows at another time for a sporting event. Unfortunately most of the couples we socialized with, wanted to do so only in a group. That happens and I have made some great new friends post-divorce. NON-SUPPORTIVE FAMILY MEMBERS What hurts is when a few relatives or step-ones are firmly in your ex’s camp. Look at family dynamics and history to understand if there…
Tips on Getting Through Divorce
In the early stage of divorce one may be in shock, regardless of who actually filed for it. Having a partner walk out or being the bearer of divorce news is traumatic. One is on autopilot going through the daily motions of life. One divorced man said just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. These tips will help one get through the first months of the divorce process. Do not be stoic and feel you can do this alone. Gather the troops around you and vent. Or at least surround yourself with people in a public place, even if not in the mood for interactions. A few divorced folks that I know who withdrew from friends and family were bitter and angry. They erected walls around themselves which became permanent. Ensure that you maintain contact with your children. One of your lawyer’s first tasks is to set up regular visitation, particularly if your spouse is being uncooperative. As a part-time school nurse, here is what worked for other parents. Talk to your kids’ teachers to see how you can volunteer with their classes. Offer to tutor, chaperone field trips or be the muscles needed to hoist up scenery for class plays or school concerts. The kids are proud and it gives extra contact with you. This also goes for scouts, sports, chess and other activities. The bonus is when custody or shared care is being determined, you are viewed as the involved parent that you are. It may seem like having fun is frivolous when one’s world is falling apart. It is not. When snipers were shooting citizens in Lebanon a decade or so ago, folks reported risking bullets to go to cafes, get manicures and so forth. When interviewed, they seemed surprised to be…
Dealing with Grief when an Ex-Spouse Dies
Going through a divorce encompasses the stages of grief. There may be anger or signs of depression during divorce. One may be in denial about the whole process and thus delaying the sessions. One mourns losses – identity, lifestyle, or losing some mutual friends. It takes time getting through the grief process with divorce and moving on. When an ex dies, this grief cycle can be reactivated again. Even if the former spouse is a dim recollection, their death can trigger a myriad of emotions. It can start one on a trip down Memory Lane with rehashing both the good and troubling ones. Shock may be the first reaction. Take a pause in your busy life to acknowledge and then process these mixed emotions. Pour out your feelings to friends over lattes, get some fresh air with a walk in a leafy area, or release tension through physical activities. There are no “shoulds” – “I should feel sad” I should have done…..” You did what you felt was best at that time. Whatever you are feeling is fine. In some cases, the death of a former spouse brought up the issue of abandonment all over again, as it had with divorce. Other folks I interviewed, claimed that they felt absolutely nothing upon hearing about their former partner’s demise. It felt impersonal as if it was someone in the news who had died. Their divorce was behind them and their ex had not been in their thoughts for a long time. Three women who had divorced abusive husbands, felt a sense of relief when these men died. It was closure for a traumatic time in their lives and they no longer had to worry about bumping into these toxic former spouses. People can be devastated when learning about their former spouse’s…
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