Supporting Children Through Divorce
We get caught up in the maelstrom of divorce and can fail to notice that our children are floundering. They appear okay on the surface going through the motions of life, but underneath may be in distress. Although divorce is an adult action, the fallout affects the youngsters. Allow the children to vent and while you may not agree with everything said, releasing strong emotions is better than having them bottled up inside. Validate their feeling of frustration that through no fault of their own, major changes are occurring in their world. This may involve packing up their stuff for a move and beginning to split time between parents. Emphasize what is constant in their lives – same school, activities and friends. This helps kids to focus on having continuity rather than on what they cannot change. Put animosity aside and put your kids first. Although this is easier said than done, your youngsters will do so much better in the long run. Try to be on the same page in regards to standard routines. Having consistent meal and bedtimes allows the kids to know what to expect and when. While kids can be surprisingly resilient, they still require some sort of foundation. You may have had general behavioral guidelines with consequences for infractions when you were married. Continuing to Implement these post-divorce is another method to help kids know what to expect. This lessons the chance that kids will test boundaries after divorce when co-parents handle conduct in similar ways. Reach out to the extended family for help. One is overwhelmed and could use a short pause every now and then from day-to-day responsibilities. Your children will have fun with cousins and a break from the divorce environment. Some parents send their kids to camp or to a relative’s…
Getting Past Divorce
Divorce is a life transition to move through as quickly as possible. Yet some folks relive it over and over again. Their proceedings are their go-to- topic of conversation, which gets old. There are traps that keep one stuck in divorce instead of moving forward with life. It is hard to forget about your ex when plotting revenge. This may be repeatedly taking a former spouse to court for perceived infractions, or starting rumours which border on slander. Revenge is a way to keep attached to your former partner by wishing evil things to happen to them. These revenge fantasies drain energy and time which could be used for something more productive. People sometimes project their own emotional states onto someone else, like an ex-spouse. If they are vindictive, they see their former spouse as that way also. Our views are projected onto others as if they are a screen or mirror. A happy individual interprets interactions as positive and a bitter, angry person encounters a hostile world. A person stating on social media that their ex cannot move on is probably the one who is not letting go. Could your complaints about your ex really be about your own issues? Following the same routines as when married, may be a way of hanging on to that relationship. One’s former partner may have jumped ship for someone else, yet they are haunting the places that they went together as a couple. Dining in your favourite restaurant as you did when married or replaying a song from your wedding keeps you attached. This is like lyrics from the 1980’s band Naked Eyes’ song: “I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me. And every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be. Well,…
Spending Father’s Day Alone
It can be difficult when Father’s Day does not fall during one’s time with the children. Perhaps a holiday swap is feasible, with trading Mother’s Day or another one for Father’s Day. With my parents’ divorce, I spent the holiday with whoever’s turn it was to have me. Decide if you want to be around others or by yourself on your special day. Sorting out your feelings will be a guide for what to do on Father’s Day. Do something enjoyable. I was on my own for Mother’s Day, so bought a book and went to a coffee shop with comfy chairs where I could linger. Some of my male friends can happily spend a chunk of the day wandering around a large hardware store. Check with the Chamber of Commerce to see what events and activities are happening in your community. Think about taking a guided walk in your own city. One divorced fellow told me he had a great time going on a “Ghost Tour” when living in London. Volunteer on Father’s Day. Charities are particularly short staffed on holidays and can use an extra pair of hands. Shelter dogs have to be walked and the homeless have to eat. Think about what gives meaning to your life and consider volunteering for a non-profit in that area. Divorced friends have volunteered at lively festivals, and ushered at concerts and plays. Find out if your family is having a get-together on Father’s Day. Give your dad special attention and take your folks out to lunch. Perhaps you can go over to a sibling’s house and have some fun with nieces and nephews. This can be family time even though your kids are not there. Distraction works great for taking one’s mind off troubles and missing the youngsters. Is there…
Child Relocation Post-Divorce
International divorce includes an ex-spouse down the road wanting to relocate with the children. A way to prevent relocation is to be proactive during the divorce. If anticipating one’s foreign spouse may move, put in the divorce decree that the children will be brought up in (whatever the state or country where one is living) until age eighteen. Some parents have stated that their offspring will attend college in the country where they now currently reside. One father stipulated in his divorce decree which high school his sons would attend and took responsibility for paying the tuition. What this did was to prevent his wife from moving back to her home state with the boys at a later date. In another situation, a spouse may have followed the other one to a foreign locale for their partner’s job. I know of several ex-pat men who were stay-at- home fathers in Hong Kong while their wives worked. If in a rocky marriage, consider maintaining ties to your birth country (domicile). Perhaps freelance long distance for your old job. Have the kids continue connections with their friends and go home for long vacations. Consider renting out your house and paying taxes and upkeep. In the event of divorce abroad, these attachments to home could make it easier to be allowed to move back with the kids. It is imperative to get expert legal advice when divorcing as an ex-pat. When a parent wants to move across country or abroad, it is recommended to discuss this with one’s ex-spouse before mentioning it to the children. Have a discussion with listening intently to any objections and mention how the children can stay connected. Meet with an attorney to find the best way to proceed. An application to relocate will be filed in court and…
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