Playing the Victim in Divorce
Many people go through divorce playing the role of the victim and are oblivious to their part in the end of the marriage. Casting oneself as the victim in this drama is putting the blame onto their spouse. Blaming their spouse for what went wrong relieves them of any responsibility for a failed marriage. These people may go through life being the victim in other settings, such as on the job. One older man blamed his two ex-wives for his divorces and reduced finances. He was bitter and said his life was miserable because of them, even years after they had left him. A former friend of mine kept talking about her divorce and how she was wronged by her spouse. It was all his fault. On the job her boss supposedly was out to get her and she claimed to be the victim of co-workers’ jealousy. This got old and we eventually parted ways. Some seem to be comfortable in the role of victim and derive satisfaction from it. They may take centre stage when telling tales of their divorce. It is like they are a leaf on the water, floating wherever the river takes them. This fatalistic view has them drifting along and not exerting energy to make changes. Getting out of victim mentality requires introspection and a willingness to see both sides of issues. Feeling like a victim can impact divorce proceedings. The situation will not be viewed realistically and the person may too passive. They may not be receptive to a fair distribution of assets if they interpret the divorce is 100% the other spouse’s doing. What some solicitors and mediators do in this circumstance is mandate both spouses have at least one session with a life or divorce coach. The victim can have a reality…
Determining Pet Custody in Divorce
A tricky part of divorce can be who gets the cat or dog. This is not about a race horse whose value may be counted as an asset. Millions of dollars in assets have been divided, yet couples nearly came to blows over pet custody, according to my divorce attorney. She stated this emotional issue has slowed down divorce proceedings in some of her cases. Couples in hectic careers may have put off having children or decided not to have any at all. Particularly in these instances, animals can have a more central role in the couple’s lives. Here are some ways that realistically help decide pet custody. Is one spouse going to stay in the family house that has the dog run and the other moving to a small apartment? Does your dog or cat have animal buddies in the neighbourhood? Maybe one spouse is moving abroad after the divorce which makes it more challenging to transport family pets. Try to look at this situation from what would be the pet’s point of view to see what is really in their best interest. Usually whatever pet a person brought into the marriage, goes to them in divorce (like with personal possessions). The collaborative attorneys determine who the primary caretaker is – who goes to the vet’s, buys food and supplies and generally spends the most time with the pets. If one parent is getting physical custody of the little humans, then the pets may be awarded to them also. The court may look at life styles in determining pet custody. When one spouse travels nearly half of the month for a job or has very long commutes, and the other one works from home, then this is a factor for who gets the dog. Flexibility and creativity are useful…
How to Prevent Loneliness Post-Divorce
It is natural to feel lonely after a divorce and there are ways to make this transition easier. The secret to beating the “I feel so alone blues” is distraction and making connections. I experienced more loneliness during my marriage than I ever did post-divorce. The divorce process itself drains time and energy away from pursuits and people. These tips are what I did to combat loneliness and a collection of worked well for others. Gather your support system around you like a protective cocoon. Reach out to people who are sticking by you through this transition. Allow friends to do things for you and accept their assistance. Ask for help and this can be challenging at first. I asked a neighbor to have my younger son over for dinner a few times, which lowered his stress and was fun. If you are still in shock post-divorce, let others know to contact you with plans. I wanted to go out for lattes and appreciated my friends calling me with these arrangements1. Gather your support system around you like a protective cocoon. Reach out to the people who are. I just had to show up for movies, etc. without making decisions and coordinating these events. Join Groups and meet new people. MeetUp.com is international with local groups having a variety of activities, such as hiking. You meet new folks in a relaxed setting having fun, getting fit, or volunteering. I joined The Transition Network through this organization, and met many new women also going through life changes. We are each other’s boosters. Consider joining a book club. I developed a love of Scandinavian mysteries through mine, and lonely weekends are a thing of the past. Some divorced people have become more active in their church and synagogue groups plus added these…
Co-Parenting with Divorce
Co-parenting can be easier as time marches on and heals wounds. Remember this is all about the children and not about scoring points or being in a popularity contest. Leave emotions and judgments out of interactions with your ex. If he becomes agitated, suggest resuming the discussion when he is calm. Do not let him trigger your hot buttons. Try to be on the same page with basic routines, such as meals and bedtimes. Children are clever and may try to manipulate you both into getting extra privileges. If you have a united front, than this is less problematic and you can both firmly state the common rules. Be flexible when the other parent’s request is reasonable, such as having the kids a little extra time when his out-of-town relatives are visiting. Children will appreciate your generosity and could feel hurt if they missed a reunion. Do not say “no” out of vindictiveness, only if it is not in the children’s best interest. If you feel that requests are getting out of hand or there is too much switching going on, then perhaps meeting with a mediator or counsellor may be in order. This is a reality check for you both, so that a better plan can be implemented. Children want both parents to attend school events and important milestones. If you can sit together for these, then great. If not, keep your emotions in check and remain polite, even if from across the auditorium. There will be important functions such as First Communions or Bar Mitzvahs that you both will want to attend. Even if the other parent brings the person who broke up your marriage, smile when you grit your teeth, because he/she is the kids’ step-parent. They may be very loving and kind to your offspring. You do have class and model…
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