Friendships May Surprise You Post-Divorce
Divorce is a transition which means a change in many aspects of life. One of these areas is relationships, particularly with friendships. Divorce is a time to reevaluate these friendships to see if they are still beneficial or have run their course. Pals that have stuck by you through thick and thin may no longer be as supportive and it is better to not be taken by surprise. If someone is really your friend they will stick around. If they do not, is that a person you really want in your life? Divorce gets rid of these dead branches and allows new growth (friendships) to appear. Friendship is a two way street. If you feel drained or that you are tip toeing around, then something is not right. Beware of energy vampires who seem to suck the life right out of you. I had a longtime friend who was also godmother to my youngest son. She was divorced and became fixated upon mine, wanting a lot of details. My sons would ask her to talk about something else. During my divorce, I had trouble getting a house mortgage and was under extreme stress. This friend disappeared for a few months until I ran into her and asked what had happened. She said that I had snapped at her on the phone (right before moving day) and no one had done that to her before. It was just about her and nothing about my anxiety. I most likely snapped at anyone who crossed my path, but everyone else gave me some leeway. A year later she dropped out of our lives permanently for no apparent reason. When these friends disappear it can be hard on your children. A person who has been a mere acquaintance may surprise you and become a…
10 Reasons to Hire a Dating Coach
Dating rules and expectations have changed since being single again after a decade or two. What worked in the distant past does not seem to be working now. It can be daunting stepping back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. Questions pop up – Who pays? When do I initiate dates? How do I meet men again? Who are you going to call – the dating coach!Dating rules and expectations have changed since being single again after a decade or two. What worked in the distant past does not seem to be working now. It can be daunting stepping back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. Questions pop up – Who pays? When do I initiate dates? How do I meet men again? Who are you going to call – the dating coach!
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Narcissists lack empathy so this makes co-parenting more challenging. They do not have compassion, so only pretend to care for others, including family members. Their children become targets for their manipulation, since they are less likely to stand up to a parent. The world revolves around the narcissistic person and this can include contact schedules and activities. Children are used as pawns during divorce to get a better financial gain or in retaliation against you. Several eminent psychologists insist that contact between children and a narcissistic parent should be supervised. Dr. Joseph Shannon of Ohio, USA is an expert on personality disorders and does many conferences on this subject. He was adamant about the need to set up supervised visitation to protect the children. When I also asked if a narcissistic ex-spouse lets go of his ex-wife after divorce, he said “no.” Throughout the UK, there are Children’s’ Contact Centres where the non-resident parent can spend time with their children in pleasant surroundings. They have trained volunteers who are in the centres to give any assistance, if needed. In one case, when the older son turned eighteen, he stopped visitation and the younger one refused to continue. The younger brother met with the mediator that was appointed in the parenting plan, who then arranged supervised visitation. A child may feel safer when contact is supervised and can begin to develop a better relationship with that parent. Or, like in this case, the supervisor verified the verbal and emotional abuse when reporting back to the mediator. The court terminated parental contact when the son absolutely refused to go. Contact between children and a narcissistic parent can be more successful if shorter in duration and perhaps no overnights. If the activities are mutually satisfying, such as participating in a sport or engrossing…
Parental Polarization Post-Divorce
Parental polarization is when children are strongly attached to one parent and have a poor relationship with the other one. This is not about a baby clinging to his mother before spending time with his father. Polarization is when children truly balk at going to visitation and tell their therapist that they only want to be with a certain parent. It goes beyond “dad lets us stay up late and we have so much more fun together than with mum.” This becomes particularly evident during divorce when visitation is being initiated. Divorce professionals have the task of determining whether the child is exhibiting polarization vs. parental alienation. Parental alienation syndrome has several components to it. The first one is that a parent may block or limit access to the other one. They may feel justified by this action because child support is late or nonexistent. However, this is impeding a child’s relationship with the absent parent and drawing her into a parental battle. A parent may claim that visitation is harming the child or is inconvenient with her schedule. The bottom line is that one parent is portrayed as inferior to the other one. Another component to parental alienation is that a parent falsely accuses the other one of abuse or at least negligence. This can be intentional or the fact that they have different parenting styles and priorities. Meeting with a divorce coach can help them be on the same page particularly when no malice is intended. I have seen this in the schools where one will say how sick the child is after returning from the co-parent’s house. They are encouraging children to take their side. A strong indicator of parental alienation is when the child has had good relationships with both parents before the divorce and has…
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