Tips on Raising Great Sons as a Single Mother
Here are a few hints for single moms to help sons grow into spectacular young men. Raising sons is an adventure for me, with an uncharted course into unfamiliar territory. My older son gave input into what has worked and was has not with this endeavor. 1. Have clear boundaries, so there is no need to micromanage. When my son went out with buddies, I did not call him. He was expected home at a reasonable hour, so I did not check up on him during the evening. A few friends had mothers who “burned up their sons’ cell phones” and kept asking where they were at any given time. If my son would have stumbled in drunk, or came home at 4 am, then there would have been consequences. My son said that I trusted him so did not feel the need to rebel. 2. Do not trash talk his father, but do answer any questions. My strategy was not to speak about my sons’ father in any way. I just did not mention him. My younger son did not refer to his father, but sometimes my older one did. He said that I answered the question briefly and to the point, without elaborating or adding emotion. Pretend the question is about a cartoon character and just answer matter-of-factly. 3. Have male role models available, even if they are on good terms with their father. Your sons are not seeing their father every day, so these adults enrich your sons’ lives. My younger one is into chess and has several strong male mentors. My older one used to participate in martial arts, and had male instructors who introduced ethics and discipline into these lessons. Seek out strong male role models in areas such as scouts, fencing, and other…
Lessons Learned from Divorce
Lessons learned from divorce can have a positive impact on life. They can propel us in new directions, such as with careers or help us appreciate what we had taken for granted. Divorce taught the importance of taking a break and getting out of one’s environment. My sons and I were allowed to go on an already scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis put our divorce situation right out of our minds. Distraction helps alleviate stress. Our batteries were recharged during this journey. I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce. My cousin loaned me £15000 which I required immediately for part of a down payment on a house I was buying during my divorce. Without that act of kindness, I would have lost the opportunity to purchase it. My divorce split was coming later. I learned who not to count on for assistance. My wealthy aunt refused the loan. When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindnesses for granted. Or pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence. This actions help one get through the craziness of life. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions. When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others. When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I…
Starting Back to Work after a Hiatus or Divorce
It is challenging going back to work during or post-divorce, especially when you have had a hiatus for a decade or two. Your co-workers may be close in age to your children and your boss could be twenty years younger than you. Before you step foot in the office, do a little homework. My local community college has a free service in writing a resume. The advisor was a magician in writing mine, emphasizing my volunteer experiences along with my paid jobs. They will help write a cover letter if you have a job in mind. Many places do aptitude testing, guiding one to careers that are in line with strengths and talents. Also check if there is a non-profit helping women to get back into the job market. One in my city even specializes helping women over fifty trying to get back into a career. They have leads and can give advice. One place to call is United Way who has a list of local non-profits who can be of assistance. 1. Brush up on skills and update your computer knowledge. You can pay your kid or a neighbor computer geek to teach you new computer tricks. A company may not expect you to know their specific program, but will want you to be proficient with general computer usage. I took some short non-credit computer courses at my community college. Learn programs such as Quick Books and ask people in your profession for other ones that they recommend. One boss let a woman go on her first day because she could not even insert an attachment to an e-mail. 2. Ask a fashion savvy friend to inspect your wardrobe. You may want to buy a few special work/interview outfits or at least have some contemporary accessories. Larger department stores…
Being a Single Parent has Brought Me Closer to My Children
A bad marriage takes a lot of energy away from the children. As a single mother, I now have lots to spare. It took effort keeping up appearances and being an enabler in the happy family façade. I can be my authentic self and just hang out with the kids, being more light-hearted: I bring a sense of fun and adventure to my sons’ lives and show them that life itself is an adventure. Whether it is riding elephants in India, walking through ruins in Carthage, or meeting a quirky character in a local café, life is a blast. We no longer tip-toe around someone else’s moods or hide in our rooms, but rather enjoy our new found freedom post-divorce. Now my sons look around for fun escapades and encounters with interesting people of all ages and cultures. Serendipity is the spice of our lives. When asking my kids about what I do better after divorce they came up with some answers. I really listen to my sons. When one is caught up in being in a bad marriage and getting through a tumultuous divorce, just surviving is an achievement. One hears their children, drives them to activities, but may not intently listen to them. Schedule family meetings to give the kids an opportunity to be heard and nip any little problems in the bud. Ask for their input whether it is reducing expenses, or what new holiday rituals they would like to start. Taking a walk with a son is a way for him to open up at his own speed without feeling pressured. My sons say that I am more patient now. I used to feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode when married. Now life meanders along and I am caught up in the flow, not…
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