Tips on Helping Others Get Through Divorce
Getting through an acrimonious divorce makes one an expert. You learned the ins and outs and discovered what worked. Making it through this difficult life transition enables you to illuminate the path for others. Just be careful of how you do this. 1. Do not give unsolicited advice to your friend during her divorce. None whatsoever. Yes, they may be making the same mistakes, but even well-meaning advice can be perceived as criticism or judgmental. Bite your tongue if necessary. There are ways to get information across plus share your wisdom by speaking about personal divorce experiences. 2. Pick relevant divorce scenarios that you survived and your friend is facing now. If you wished your ex’s pension plan had been divided in half and you received less of another asset, then let your friend know. She/he is making financial decisions too. Maybe you bought your spouse out of your marital home and wished that it had been sold and profits divided — that is a helpful tip. Letting them know what worked and what didn’t in your divorce gives one information to digest about their own situation. An acquaintance told me the best thing she did in her divorce was to select a strong therapist for her son who was comfortable going to court. I asked for his name and he ended up going to court post-divorce for my younger son. She never told me what to do. Use statements like, “Have you thought about,” or “Did your attorney consider?” 3. Inquire if they want some divorce resources to help get through divorce. Inform them of what helped you in your community. I tell people about our local community college’s women in transitions course which brought in speakers on a plethora of topics, such as finances, dealing with stress and moving on. This class is available across…
Custody Evaluation during Divorce
What is the Custody Evaluation Process? The whole process takes several weeks before a custody determination or Parenting Plan is done. The Custody Evaluator interviews the parents and children separately. The Custody Evaluator may request that you bring to your first meeting, a history of your marriage, specifics on children, and if there was infidelity or abuse. She is not a therapist and this is not the time to spill your deep, dark secrets. All of you will undergo extensive personality testing, including the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index). Do answer these questions honestly and not how you think the Custody Evaluator would want you to. My friend Jerry’s friend administers this MMPI and he took this test as an experiment. First go around, Jerry answered how he thought his friend would like it and what would make him appear great. Then the second time, Jerry did the MMPI honestly, with how he perceived himself. What a difference between the two. The test administrator told Jerry that he got very low marks on the first test. When he answered exactly how he felt, he aced it and was rated a happy, stable person. When I took the test the thing that helped me to be seen as a “happy person” is that I did my testing outside in a lovely courtyard. The birds were singing, flowers blooming, so I was in a calm state taking these battery of tests. See if you could take your tests outside of the office with nature around you. Do meditate, watch a comedy, or whatever it takes to get you in a calm, centered state before doing each test. The results of these tests help determine shared time in custody, so do not do them in a panic. You may be asked to say…
Anger Post-Divorce
It is natural to be angry at what comes up during the divorce process, but the trick is not dwelling in this place and learning how to cope with divorce anger. Recognize this feeling of fury and admit you have it as a response to what nasty actions your spouse may be doing. It is how you deal with this anger that can impact your health and your children’s well-being. If we live our lives motivated by anger and hatred, even our physical health deteriorates. The Dalai Lama A study at Ohio State University rated people on how well they could control their anger. It did not matter if anger was expressed openly or internalized because the results were the same. Blisters were formed by suction cups on the participants. Those that experienced more anger had higher levels of Cortisol (stress hormone) which prolonged the healing of their blisters over the more easy going folks. Much research has shown the correlation between anger and increased blood pressure plus other cardiovascular events. Is carrying a grudge against your ex worth this health risk? One way to deal with rage is to write a detailed letter to your ex-spouse naming hurtful acts and how she did you wrong. Don’t mail it, but burn it for closure. When our aunt cut us out of her life after my divorce, she sided with my ex. My son was hurt by this action and wrote a letter to her expressing that “blood is thicker than water.” He outlined the abuse that he had received from his father and spilled out his disappointment in her. Then he tore this letter into tiny bits. A burden was lifted and his pent up anger had evaporated. This exercise works for mean co-workers and any other people who…
Are You Too Picky When Dating Post-Divorce?
When interviewing both genders on the qualities they seek in a partner, men were more general and women tended to have a long shopping list of requirements. Some of these seemed to still be rooted back to uni days, such as “he must be buff” or have “an awesome sports car.” Now is the time to update your list of qualities for partners by your current age and not your younger self. Kathy is 5’8’’ and wears 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels and is only looking for a date who is 6’2’’. She says this height is just perfect for her. Reasoning with Kathy has not worked. Are you looking for a very specific type – like a key to a lock? Do you feel that there is only one person who is right for you and bypass others who are nearly right? A clue this is happening is by having many dry spells between dates. Be willing to compromise Brenda specifies that all people she dates must love doing day hikes. Even if guys are active in other ways, not doing day long hikes was the deal breaker for her. When asked why she could not hike and meet up with the guy afterwards, Brenda answered “no way.” In contrast, Jerry is divorced and an outdoorsy type of fellow who swims almost daily. Although he is seeking an active woman, she does not have to even get in the water, much less go swimming. Jerry said that he could have a date with a girlfriend after he goes to the pool. If they go on vacation, he will swim in the ocean while she reads on the beach. He is more flexible and willing to compromise than Brenda is. Having high standards, ethics and spirituality is not being too picky. If…
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