Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Narcissists lack empathy so this makes co-parenting more challenging. They do not have compassion, so only pretend to care for others, including family members. Their children become targets for their manipulation, since they are less likely to stand up to a parent. The world revolves around the narcissistic person and this can include contact schedules and activities. Children are used as pawns during divorce to get a better financial gain or in retaliation against you. Several eminent psychologists insist that contact between children and a narcissistic parent should be supervised. Dr. Joseph Shannon of Ohio, USA is an expert on personality disorders and does many conferences on this subject. He was adamant about the need to set up supervised visitation to protect the children. When I also asked if a narcissistic ex-spouse lets go of his ex-wife after divorce, he said “no.” Throughout the UK, there are Children’s’ Contact Centres where the non-resident parent can spend time with their children in pleasant surroundings. They have trained volunteers who are in the centres to give any assistance, if needed. In one case, when the older son turned eighteen, he stopped visitation and the younger one refused to continue. The younger brother met with the mediator that was appointed in the parenting plan, who then arranged supervised visitation. A child may feel safer when contact is supervised and can begin to develop a better relationship with that parent. Or, like in this case, the supervisor verified the verbal and emotional abuse when reporting back to the mediator. The court terminated parental contact when the son absolutely refused to go. Contact between children and a narcissistic parent can be more successful if shorter in duration and perhaps no overnights. If the activities are mutually satisfying, such as participating in a sport or engrossing…
Parental Polarization Post-Divorce
Parental polarization is when children are strongly attached to one parent and have a poor relationship with the other one. This is not about a baby clinging to his mother before spending time with his father. Polarization is when children truly balk at going to visitation and tell their therapist that they only want to be with a certain parent. It goes beyond “dad lets us stay up late and we have so much more fun together than with mum.” This becomes particularly evident during divorce when visitation is being initiated. Divorce professionals have the task of determining whether the child is exhibiting polarization vs. parental alienation. Parental alienation syndrome has several components to it. The first one is that a parent may block or limit access to the other one. They may feel justified by this action because child support is late or nonexistent. However, this is impeding a child’s relationship with the absent parent and drawing her into a parental battle. A parent may claim that visitation is harming the child or is inconvenient with her schedule. The bottom line is that one parent is portrayed as inferior to the other one. Another component to parental alienation is that a parent falsely accuses the other one of abuse or at least negligence. This can be intentional or the fact that they have different parenting styles and priorities. Meeting with a divorce coach can help them be on the same page particularly when no malice is intended. I have seen this in the schools where one will say how sick the child is after returning from the co-parent’s house. They are encouraging children to take their side. A strong indicator of parental alienation is when the child has had good relationships with both parents before the divorce and has…
Do Not Stay Together for Children’s Sake
Study Says Children do not Want Parents to Stay Together for Their Sake Staying together “for the sake of the kids” has long been one of the key factors that delays couples from separating or stops them altogether. Living together as amicably as they can when they are no longer in love seems, to many couples, preferable to the impact that separating will have on their children. New research, however, suggests that this view is misguided. Ultimately, not only is it not necessarily good for the parents to stay together, but in fact it is not even what the majority of kids really want. Resolution, a major family legal organisation, surveyed 514 young people, aged 14-22 at the time of the survey, who had previously experienced the divorce of their parents. The considerable majority – 82% – agreed that ultimately it had been better for their parents to separate rather than to stay together for their sake. However, many of them felt that the process and their role in it could have been-better handled in certain ways, particularly when it came to the degree of involvement they had in the decision-making process. More than 60% of young people surveyed said that they did not feel their parents had included them when it came to making the decision to separate. Roughly half of respondents said that they had not been consulted about which parent they would prefer to be primarily resident with or where they would like to live. The survey did, however, also underline how difficult it can be for young people when their parents separate, and underlined the importance of not putting any more pressure on children during the divorce process. Nearly nine out of ten young people who took part in the survey agreed that parents should not…
De-Cluttering During Divorce or Downsizing
Divorce is a unique life transition where one has the challenge of making decisions of what possessions to keep and what to let go. This is an emotionally charged time, so the secret is to calm your mind with meditation, relaxation CDs or whatever works for you so that clear headed choices are made. Leaving precious items behind out of spite or anger can cause regrets down the road. Selling items in a panic can backfire. I sold a cherished book from my childhood and the money received for it was insignificant. One may have to leave the marital home to sell it during a divorce. After the division of personal property, how does one sort through the remains? Moving out of my house gave me the extra motivation to go through my books, clothes, decorations and crockery to save on moving fees. Noticing the lack of storage available in my much smaller new home was another motivating factor. I had a yard sale a week before I moved and another smaller one a few months later after determining that I still had too much stuff. Practical Tips How does one get started de-cluttering? One way is to enlist a friend to help you begin this daunting task. She is neutral without the emotional attachments to your things and can give objective opinions. If one is undecided about some articles, then box them up and store them for a short while. Not feeling pressured to make quick decisions can take the pressure off downsizing. Packing heirlooms and important items first gives momentum to carry on to the more questionable ones. Have your teenagers pick out their favorite childhood toys and books, then put these in storage boxes. My sons were glad for the extra cash the remainder fetched at yard…
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