Blended Families at Christmastime
It is challenging blending families together and merging holiday traditions. Some families have Christmas Eve as the main celebration and for others it is the following day. The holidays turn into a juggling act – spending a chunk of it on the road going between houses. When two sets of children and four biological parents are involved, having step-siblings spend some holiday time together gets complicated. Both parents may have remarried and have blended families. Step-siblings may desire opening presents together so previous arrangements may have to be altered to accomplish this. The Parenting Plan meticulously sets in place how the holidays are to be divided up, which worked well in the past. When one or both parents get remarried, having kids be with step-siblings over holidays can be a logistical feat. Some parents have gotten around this by having large gatherings for all. Step-parents get to meet the other step-parents with grandparents and relatives thrown into the mix. The kids get to be with everyone. Some children go to the other parent’s house every other week or weekend. Parents can opt to spend whatever holiday falls during their time entirely with the kids. No switching back and forth. My parents did this. When Christmas or whatever occurred when I was with one, I stayed there and celebrated it with that parent. Feel free to mix up traditions. Memories can be attached to certain ones and shaking them up a bit ensures a merrier time. If you always went out for a big Christmas Eve dinner when previously married, turn that around into an elegant Christmas brunch or pub lunch. Do fun activities you enjoy with the kids, but in a different order. That gets rid of the ghosts from Christmas past in order to enjoy the present. Consider starting…
Signs Your Relationship is Over
There are little hints that a relationship may be teetering towards divorce, but we often overlook these signs. It is easier to make excuses or to keep the relationship status quo, rather than analyse what may be going wrong. Some people felt if they pretended everything was okay, then it really was okay. Change can be hard and some may not be willing to put forth the effort. These red flags are indicators that help may be needed. The big sign that I consistently observed in husbands before a divorce, was that they were jittery and nervous. They could be in a zen situation and still exhibited behaviour as if going before a firing squad. They seemed to be on red alert and looking for a quick exit. A few were even shaking. Lack of sex. Are they not initiating sex or has it become more mechanical and less loving? This in itself does not point to divorce – but rather in conjunction with others on the list, it may. Avoiding intimacy and seeming more like a flatmate instead of a lover, deserves a discussion. Secrecy. Your wife repeatedly whispering on the phone in another room and hanging up when you enter is suspicious. Your husband keeping you in the dark regarding his whereabouts and time he will be home is worrisome. Not being open with schedules and evasive answers is a clue that something is off. Not wanting to socialize as a couple anymore is a red flag. One woman decided not to continue going to her husband’s speeches and told him she wanted more time with the kids. She felt uneasy around her husband and was not going to pretend to be the happy wife in public. They got a divorce. Check on the money. Is her grocery…
How to Get Closure After Divorce
There are rituals surrounding transitions in life – except for divorce. My sons even had a graduation ceremony between nursery and primary school. There may be a party to announce an engagement followed by a bridal shower and later a hen night. The fellows have their stag party. The wedding is marked by a reception, whether it is a quiet affair with family, or a big gala at a five star hotel. This is closure for the single life and a celebration to send the newlyweds on their merry way in life. When there is a death in the family, a funeral service is held followed by a wake. People mourn together, reminisce and have closure. What happens after the divorce is finalized? Nothing. No ritual and no particular closing ceremony. When my husband and I signed our papers for divorce in my solicitor’s office, I commented that champagne would have been nice. Although our divorce would not be finalized by the judge for several weeks, I felt like there should have been something afterwards. Think I stumbled into a coffee shop for a latte on my way back to the car. On the day the judge was to issue our divorce decree, my sons gave me flowers and chocolate. My mother took us all out to lunch, more because the ordeal was over than anything else. For the next few years they gave me more flowers and chocolates to mark “our” (their words) divorce anniversary. Friends took me out for a few weeks following my divorce which was a nice gesture. I did not have any specific closing ceremony. In interviewing people – some said that they had a closure activity involving their wedding rings. One said she threw her gold wedding band into a roaring river and it…
Being the recipient of “I want a divorce”
Hearing your spouse announce that she wants a divorce is unbelievable. What to do when you are informed that your spouse is leaving you. If you think you did not correctly hear what was said, ask for it to be repeated. Banish the impulse to throw the nearest piece of furniture at his head. An assault charge will not help your situation. My spouse’s female acquaintance suggested that I take all of his clothes and have a big bonfire in the backyard. Friends had more drastic ideas. Resist doing something in a rage, because that may impact your divorce proceedings. Try to act calmly and feel free to ask the questions that pop into your head. “When did you decide upon this? Could we discuss this with a marriage counsellor first? Why did you not mention that you were unhappy? Are you seeing someone else and how long has it been?” If your spouse asks you to move out of the marital home, refuse (except in an abuse situation). Check first with your solicitor (lawyer) about this, especially when children are involved. I stayed in our house through most of the divorce and my husband was required to pay the mortgage and I only paid the utilities. Your rent or monthly mortgage may be paid as part of the interim support. The person with a job or high income pays interim support in most cases. If your spouse walks right out the door, go to the bank and withdraw some cash (no more than half) out of your joint account and save the receipt. You will require money for living expenses before meeting with a solicitor or mediator. Hopefully you have a credit card in your own name, because your spouse may promptly drop you as a co-signer on his card….
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