Keep Friends out of your Divorce
Divorce would be much easier if it were just between the couple and their solicitors or mediator. “Helpful” people sometimes want to be in the midst of things and stir the pot. This would be similar to football teams such as Arsenal’s or Manchester United’s players taking instruction from the spectators during matches, instead of from their coaches. Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” and a controlling friend is the director of your divorce drama. People going through divorce are more vulnerable and needy, so it can be easier to go with the flow, allowing a friend to tell them what to do. Relying too heavily on another’s advice can backfire, since they are not privy to all of the financial and personal details. If that friend has a grievance against the other spouse, then suggestions can be destructive. This situation is especially challenging when it is your spouse who is on the receiving end of unsolicited advice and it is interfering with your divorce. How you proceed depends upon several factors, such as how the relationship is with your partner. Is it amicable or contentious? Could you go somewhere low key, such as a coffee house and express your concern? If so, keep a businesslike demeanor and use “I” statements, starting out with something positive. “I think it’s great that we both have friends to help us get through this, but I wonder if Maisy isn’t becoming a little too involved in our personal situation.” Perhaps agree on what stays private and what can be shared. Are there any mutual friends who can intervene? Maybe they also have a similar opinion of this friend and would be agreeable to discussing this with your spouse .Avoid a direct confrontation with the…
How to be Empowered in Divorce
Being empowered in divorce is the opposite from viewing oneself as a victim. It is the difference from being in a place of strength to feeling out of control during and post-divorce. Assess what you can control and what is out of your hands. You may be surprised that you really do have more input in your proceedings and can take a more active role. Speak to your solicitor or mediator about what you want to get out of the divorce, preferably also in writing for their future reference. I know a few acquaintances that felt helpless and just went with the flow, instead of being assertive. They are kicking themselves now post-divorce. Empower yourself with knowledge. A great site that answers many divorce questions is www.gov.uk and gives a glimpse of what to expect. Look up on calculate-your-child-maintenance the calculator which indicates what to expect for child maintenance in your situation. In the US, each state has an online calculator to get an idea of what alimony or child support may be in your situation. Knowing what to anticipate ahead of time lets you think about Plan B. If you will be the receiver, and the amount seems too low, have a list ready of what else could be thrown in – sports, camp fees or other activities to be included as child support. If you are the payer, offer more in spousal maintenance which is a tax break for you, and less in child maintenance, which is not. Being empowered is having an idea what you are up against in divorce and forming plans on how to deal with it. One fellow who survived an acrimonious divorce suggests having a “victory garden.” Grow some vegetables – even in containers- to show the children that you are self-sufficient. Putting…
Considerations for an Only Child in Divorce
Being an only child has special considerations in the divorce period. They are not living with another ally who totally gets their unique situation. While parents, a therapist, and close buddies are sympathetic, no one else completely understands what that child is going through with divorce and shared care as a sibling does. Have heard siblings state, “it’s us against the world,” and variations of this theme, and as an only child, I felt that this situation was harder for me. Only children may not express loneliness or feelings of isolation, so it is imperative to monitor how they are adjusting. Consider having them check in periodically with a divorce coach or therapist to ensure concerns or problems are being addressed. Children may seem okay, but are not wanting to burden you about transitions or other custody issues which are stressful. At least have a neutral third party, such as a god parent, have a heart–to-heart with an only child. Children like to have fun with other kids, so consider encouraging the only child to invite a friend along on some expeditions. Going on thrill-seeking rides at an amusement park can be more fun when sharing this experience with a buddy rather than with an adult. A parent gets to enjoy the company of their kid while they also have a blast with a pal. Mainly being in the company of grown-ups (parents who justifiably want to make the most of their shared time) can get old. Kids enjoy being with others their same age, just as we adults want time with our peers. Getting kids together with cousins is a way to be with them and increase the family bond. When I had visitation with my father, my stepmother wisely sensed I wanted to be with another kid and…
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