Getting Back into Dating Post-Divorce
It can be scary getting back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. Work on your own issues first before getting into a new relationship. One’s self-esteem may be close to non-existent after a toxic marriage. One woman I know dated right after the ink was dry on her divorce decree. She equated sleeping around with a slew of men as being popular and these relationships were short-lived. She got a reality check during therapy and now opts for quality over quantity regarding men. Before You Date Again: Write down what you are looking for in a future partner: Ethics, values, kindness, interests and so forth are important in any relationship they are especially important in men you want to date. What is a deal breaker for you? Do an intake of what you have to offer someone else and see if these qualities are similar to what you are seeking in someone else. Ask trusted friends for an honest assessment of your behavior to see if you have anything which is annoying or off-putting. One of my friends laughs like a hyena, I suggested she tone it down. And I had to suggest to another that she close her mouth when she chews. These are little things but may influence a guy not to want a second date. Be specific about the kind of man you want to meet in your profile: Have an accurate profile and be very specific what you are looking for in a partner. Use your intuition to weed out the nutjobs. It may be worth the extra money to go to a professional matchmaking service who does extensive personality testing and background checks. They do personal interviews to ensure compatibility right from the start. This saves time and effort when zeroing in on just…
Discovering Infidelity and How to Deal with It
A spouse’s reaction to suspected infidelity can leave one wondering if they are imagining things after being informed they are misinterpreting a casual friendship. People may overlook tell-tale signs to keep the status quo, avoid acknowledging adultery and divorce or because they have been put down so many times, making it difficult to differentiate fact from fiction. In Serena’s case, her philandering spouse put the blame on her, saying she was not trusting him. Serena had a baby and a toddler and felt as if something was not quite right in her marriage. Her husband John, was between jobs and Serena thought getting him some paid handyman work would be beneficial. Her friend was opening a bookshop and required assistance in painting, putting up shelves and so forth. John later told his wife that her friend yelled at him and helping her was not a good experience. He became more distant and pursued activities late into the night, such as “skiing under a full moon” (five nights in a row). She asked if he was seeing someone and he accused her of being too controlling. Then John asked for a short trip as his birthday present – by himself. He also wanted to take it a month before his birthday over Valentine’s Day weekend. Being sleep deprived contributed to her not getting to the bottom of this bizarre behaviour. Two months later John asked “How would you feel if I was interested in someone else? Could we still be married if I slept with her?” Serena answered “No, that doesn’t work for me.” John said “okay.” Serena said she wondered why she did not take those questions as a clue. The holy woman from India, Amma G, had been Serena’s spiritual guide for over a decade. Amma G did a…
Dating Your Opposite Post-Divorce
Sometimes dating one’s opposite adds spice to a relationship or in other cases, tears it apart. The trick is knowing when someone is quirky vs. not the right match at all. Lust or the heady feeling of being in love can blind some to potential problem spots. Having one’s head in the sand like an ostrich does not make problems go away, but rather delays dealing with them. Whether it is being of different religions, ideology or life philosophies, issues need to be addressed before rushing to the alter. An example of opposites working out differences and being happily married for fifty years is Violet and Terrence. She is city girl who loathes camping out, doing long treks, or white water rafting. Her outdoorsy husband releases his inner mountain man by long hikes and sleeping rough in the wild. They cherish each other and learned to compromise. They bought a luxurious camper van with all mod cons including a cosy kitchen. This couple takes short hikes together and she happily reads while Terrence does the arduous ones solo. I have joined his camping trips staying in tents for white water rafting adventures. Violet keeps busy with extended family while Terrance is away on these short jaunts. They both taught me to cross country ski. Violet is happy for the gentle nudge to enjoy being out in nature. There are some fundamental issues that sometimes cannot be resolved. A former co-worker of mine is an in-your-face vegetarian who had married a carnivore. She ended up getting a divorce and it had not helped their relationship by having hunters on his family tree. Sometimes opposite temperaments and interests are the death knoll for relationships. My former fiancé was an introvert and I am an extrovert. I love to dance and he would…
Perks of Single Parenting Post-Divorce
Being in a toxic marriage sucks the energy right out of you – so there is less available for the children. Youngsters are smart, so may act up to get your limited attention when you are still wed. After my divorce was finalized, I truly could then focus on my sons. Even my cats seem to appreciate the extra time we spend together post-divorce. I did not realize that being in survival mode meant trying to avoid conflict rather than being spontaneous. Now my sons and I can be vagabonds traipsing around the planet – budget and time permitting. Single parenting brings a flexibility which allows going to the cinema on the spur of the moment or indulging in an impromptu picnic. I do not have to check with the other parent or plan events far in advance. Instead of viewing life as an obstacle course, it is an adventure with serendipitous moments post-divorce. My sons give this feedback about single parenthood. They claim I listen to them intently now which in turn enables them to feel more valued. We discuss our lives in depth instead of merely skimming the surface as was done pre-divorce. As a stressed out married mum, I was more of a dictator echoing my German grandfather’s “and that’s that,” instead of hearing what the boys had to say. Although I set boundaries and make the rules – I am more willing to get the lads’ points of view in this new chapter of our lives. Single parents told me that they became more patient in the post-divorce period and do not get angry over every little thing. Being in a toxic marriage was like having road rage. One is angry in general and perceived infractions can put one over the edge leading to explosions. Anger builds walls…
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