Losing Friends with Divorce
Divorce weeds out the superficial people and reveals true friends. People whom you considered your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity. I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem. The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation, but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences. Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it. Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple. Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it. Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit? We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation. When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love…
Tips on Making Transitions Easier for Visitation
Transitions between parents can be challenging, especially for younger children. They start to feel settled and then it is time to move back again to the other parent’s place. One’s attitude sets the tone for these exchanges. If you cannot manage to be upbeat, then aim for neutral, without any putdowns or snide remarks. Do not emulate some mums at my sons’ preschool who appeared to be on the verge of tears when parting. Very young children are already struggling with separation anxiety, so be especially positive. A neutral drop off place is ideal if it was an acrimonious divorce. A day care or preschool can be a good choice with toddlers and is easier when both parents have car seats. These exchanges are more upsetting when kids see tense, angry parents trying to interact. Children do better with set routines such as having consistent bedtimes at both locations. Even better is when mealtimes are in sync too. The routine starts with packing and getting ready for the transfer. This helps with the mindset that he is leaving one place for the other. There may be a special story told or a goodbye song sung while getting ready to leave. The child might draw a picture to give mum or dad upon seeing them. My sons had a ritual of saying goodbye to our cats. Children do not want to feel like visitors, so have them unpack right away. No one cares to live out of a suitcase, so give them their own space. In tight quarters, an empty drawer that only belongs to them is fine. Some parents come up with a new welcome back ritual when their children return from visitation. This gives them something to anticipate immediately. It may be that after dad gets…
Loss of Identity Post-Divorce
When one’s identity was wrapped around the ex, such as being a doctor’s wife, it is especially challenging to reinvent oneself post-divorce. Suddenly the role of being the social director for the office staff and charming sidekick at far flung medical conferences is gone. If you owned a business together, you may lose your job in the divorce, particularly if your wife was the solicitor in the law practice and you had another role. In a divorce, the stay-at-home spouse or one to leave the family business, may get a lump sum for job training. A new trend in collaborative divorce is to bring a career coach on board to determine how much it would cost to get this career training. Or the career coach may assist in determining alimony if one spouse did not work and now has to start over in the job market. Mary was married to a plastic surgeon and enjoyed the perks that went along with being a doctor’s wife. They entertained, went to extravagant parties and took some nice trips. She appreciated being able to stay home with their children. Mary was in a devastating car accident and underwent months of rehab therapy. During this time her husband began an affair with his secretary and filed for a divorce before Mary was completely recovered. Mary was blindsided by this and stated that being a doctor’s wife and stay-at-home mum was her whole life. It took a bit of adjusting not to be part of the medical community anymore and have to seek a part-time job. Mary also changed her volunteer venue from the hospital to another one, in order to avoid her ex and was happier with her new choice. It took over a year for Mary to develop a new life. You are…
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