How to be Empowered in Divorce
Being empowered in divorce is the opposite from viewing oneself as a victim. It is the difference from being in a place of strength to feeling out of control during and post-divorce. Assess what you can control and what is out of your hands. You may be surprised that you really do have more input in your proceedings and can take a more active role. Speak to your solicitor or mediator about what you want to get out of the divorce, preferably also in writing for their future reference. I know a few acquaintances that felt helpless and just went with the flow, instead of being assertive. They are kicking themselves now post-divorce. Empower yourself with knowledge. A great site that answers many divorce questions is www.gov.uk and gives a glimpse of what to expect. Look up on calculate-your-child-maintenance the calculator which indicates what to expect for child maintenance in your situation. In the US, each state has an online calculator to get an idea of what alimony or child support may be in your situation. Knowing what to anticipate ahead of time lets you think about Plan B. If you will be the receiver, and the amount seems too low, have a list ready of what else could be thrown in – sports, camp fees or other activities to be included as child support. If you are the payer, offer more in spousal maintenance which is a tax break for you, and less in child maintenance, which is not. Being empowered is having an idea what you are up against in divorce and forming plans on how to deal with it. One fellow who survived an acrimonious divorce suggests having a “victory garden.” Grow some vegetables – even in containers- to show the children that you are self-sufficient. Putting…
Considerations for an Only Child in Divorce
Being an only child has special considerations in the divorce period. They are not living with another ally who totally gets their unique situation. While parents, a therapist, and close buddies are sympathetic, no one else completely understands what that child is going through with divorce and shared care as a sibling does. Have heard siblings state, “it’s us against the world,” and variations of this theme, and as an only child, I felt that this situation was harder for me. Only children may not express loneliness or feelings of isolation, so it is imperative to monitor how they are adjusting. Consider having them check in periodically with a divorce coach or therapist to ensure concerns or problems are being addressed. Children may seem okay, but are not wanting to burden you about transitions or other custody issues which are stressful. At least have a neutral third party, such as a god parent, have a heart–to-heart with an only child. Children like to have fun with other kids, so consider encouraging the only child to invite a friend along on some expeditions. Going on thrill-seeking rides at an amusement park can be more fun when sharing this experience with a buddy rather than with an adult. A parent gets to enjoy the company of their kid while they also have a blast with a pal. Mainly being in the company of grown-ups (parents who justifiably want to make the most of their shared time) can get old. Kids enjoy being with others their same age, just as we adults want time with our peers. Getting kids together with cousins is a way to be with them and increase the family bond. When I had visitation with my father, my stepmother wisely sensed I wanted to be with another kid and…
Children Crave Routines Post-Divorce
Small gestures make a big difference to children with helping them adjust to divorce. The overwhelming response from kids of divorce was routines make life more enjoyable. Their world is drastically changing and now they are dealing with loss. Divorce itself changes people’s schedules and turns lives upside down. A weekly routine puts constancy and lightness back into their environment. Several boys mentioned getting an ice cream regularly with their parent brought predictability and gave them something to anticipate. This is easy enough to do with a youngster, perhaps every Friday after school nip into a shop on the way home for this luscious treat. A little girl goes to a bakery and sips hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream, while she chats to mum about her week. Yes, she could say this at home, but this time is free from distraction and she gets undivided attention. One boy said about once a month his mum took him to the cinema at the mall and they each got a slice of pizza. What actions may seem trivial to you can mean a great deal to the child. It is time spent with children rather than buying them trinkets and gadgets that is most important, as was explained by one boy. Memories of playing board games and picnics in the park got him through his parents’ acrimonious divorce, not more junk. It can be tempting to try to make up for sadness that comes with divorce, by giving kids a bounty of material goods. What youngsters crave is your attention. My son works in a restaurant and witnesses on a daily basis parents glued to their smartphones and totally ignoring the kids. Of course then kids act up for attention and get yelled at. Do not spoil these lovely routines with…
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