How to Keep Your Sanity When Getting Divorced
There are ways to get through the divorce process in an easier manner. Allow yourself to fully feel and express your emotions. Keeping a “stiff upper lip” or bottling up angry feelings prolongs getting over an issue or risks an explosion in the courtroom. I would scream in the car when driving on an isolated stretch of road, saying what was happening was not fair. I was quite calm when arriving home afterwards. One divorcing person stated: “Honestly, in my darkest moments, the only thing that helps me is laying on the floor in front of my altar and allowing myself to cry for as long as I need to. In these times, the pain is so intense that I can barely move. And because I’m in that state, I am able surrender to it (because there is nothing else I can do!) and surrender to God…knowing that eventually the pain will shift. And knowing (reminding myself) that the pain will shift, helps me tremendously. Every single time I think “this pain is too great…I cannot survive….” I am proven wrong. It DOES shift. The waves of emotion come and go. Knowing that has helped me every single day!” Shari’s husband had an affair which led to their divorce and has this advice: “Consciously breathing into my heart helps me tremendously. It’s about going into the feeling/emotion and sticking with it….knowing that only I can shift it, only I can ultimately heal myself. Being willing…not looking to the outside…recognizing that LOVE is always there deep inside me. Imagining my teacher, Amma, holding me is soothing. (My real mother did not do this for me). Using the imagination and visualization process helps me feel the deep LOVE that is ultimately me. (I can go into fear quite easily but visualizing being…
When and If to Get a Divorce
Some people have said that they waited too long before divorcing, but I have yet to hear someone say they jumped the gun and initiated one too soon. There are many factors involved in determining if and when a divorce ought to commence. A main one seems to be regarding children and their ages. One man felt that he stayed seven years too long in his marriage, choosing to wait until the last child went off to uni. He stated that the love was gone and the marriage was dead – however he stayed because he wanted to see his kids every day. In hindsight, he thinks it harmed his sons witnessing coldness and disinterest between a married couple. Another stayed in an unhappy marriage since her husband was their sons’ Boy Scout troop leader. She thought the boys would feel more secure with both parents in the home. Eight years post-divorce her sons are still asking what took her so long to file for divorce. When to Divorce For those on the fence about whether to stay or go, The Divorce Magazine UK has a link to various resources that are invaluable in the pre-divorce period too. Maypole Women has resources as well for women and children in a potential divorce situation. Relate and Retrouvaille do marital counselling to see if the relationship can be repaired. The admission of an affair brings on the death of a marriage. The betrayed spouse may not want to bestow another chance on the guilty party, so proceeds with filing for a divorce. When there is abuse – get yourself, the youngsters and pets out of the house. That does not automatically mean a divorce is imminent – just that safety is the top priority. Sometimes with therapy and anger management classes, the…
Practicing Gratitude during Divorce
Practicing gratitude during divorce may seem as much of a dichotomy as an elephant riding a bike. Various studies validate the link between keeping a gratitude journal which results in the outcome of increasing joy, enthusiasm and the feeling that life was getting better. These individuals were more apt to reach out to others and willing to offer support. These are all actions which will enable divorce to be an easier experience. In a study done at university of California, subjects either kept a gratitude journal or wrote about problems or neutral subjects weekly. At the end of the study, those in the gratitude group achieved their goals quicker and scored higher in feeling more positive about their lives. Psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough are in the forefront of doing research in the field of gratitude and find that those who practice it, have an increase in their amount of exercise and are more optimistic about what is happening that week. Medical research looks at an EKG as one tool in determining the effects of gratitude on the heart. These studies are indicating that practicing gratitude has a positive effect on the parasympathetic nervous system which regulates heart rate, rhythm, blood pressure, and other body functions. Thoughts influence body functions. Happy thoughts (like gratitude) increase endorphins (the feel good neurotransmitters) and angry ones cause constriction of blood vessels, leading to cardiac disease. Energy goes where your thoughts are, and if your focus is on misery, then that is what you’ll experience. Just as weight training enlarges muscles, gratitude is a way of training yourself to notice the good things that are happening around you. – See more at: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/gratitude-during-divorce#sthash.tyvwXPFy.c054U9OX.dpuf
First Step When Dating After Divorce
It may be tempting after signing the divorce papers to jump back into the dating scene. Many people skip the first crucial step and then start dating the same type of person over again. What is this first step? Do a self-assessment. A self-assessment clarifies one’s needs, values, strengths and problem points. Be clear who you really are and what you are looking for in a relationship. Find yourself first before finding a new partner. Someone who went straight from the parental home or dorm room into marriage may not have a good sense of self, merely being a reflection of their mate. Some people are like a fragment or piece of the puzzle and only feel complete when part of a couple. I call this serial dating when a person flits from relationship to relationship without a break for introspection. One thrice married woman was bemoaning being single again at age seventy-two, and wanted a new husband. Almost like any port in the storm would do. When taking stock of yourself, analyse what went wrong in your relationship. It is imperative to take responsibility for your part in the demise of your marriage. Replace blame with forgiveness for your ex. Forgiveness severs the bond that keeps one tethered to a person or the past. Forgiveness is part of moving on after divorce before being in a relationship again. Forgive yourself and remember that hindsight is 20/20. We all make mistakes and these are life lessons. After taking stock of your own qualities, determine the ones that you are seeking in someone else. Assess if you are being too picky – wanting the same qualities that you did eons ago in college. Someone looking like she stepped out of Sports Illustrated is unrealistic. Wanting a buff guy driving an expensive…
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