Why Forgiveness is Important Post-Divorce
Forgiving your ex can seem like a daunting task that has no merit for you. So why do it? Webster’s Dictionary defines forgiving as “ceasing to feel resentment towards an offender”. Holding on to this resentment is a way to stay attached to your ex. Forgiveness is a way to sever these binding ties. To start my forgiveness process, I imagined my ex with having strings around him like a marionette. I then visualized giant scissors cutting through all of these strings until no more remained. I felt like a burden had been lifted from me and it was easier not to want any ties of resentment to attach me to him again. Forgiveness is not about the other person, but rather about you. You do not even have to tell anyone that you forgave your former spouse. Holding on to a grudge, whether it is your spouse or an in-law, is detrimental to your health, such as by increasing your blood pressure. Muscles tighten, restricting blood flow and oxygenation which in turn leads to headaches and worsening chronic pain. The esteemed Dr. Carl Simonton of the Simonton Cancer Center in California, stated that not practicing forgiveness can lead to an “increased risk for cancer.” Is your anger towards your former spouse worth all this? During divorces, some people wrote a long letter regarding their anger and disappointment in their spouse. They spilled their vitriol onto the pages and were amazed when they felt so much lighter afterwards. Destroy and do not send it. The experience of writing that letter can lead to the path of forgiveness and healing. I found a note in the bathroom stating my spouse was leaving me and I was fired from our small, jointly owned business. In the space of seconds I went from…
Losing Friends with Divorce
Divorce weeds out the superficial people and reveals true friends. People whom you considered your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity. I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem. The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation, but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences. Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it. Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple. Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it. Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit? We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation. When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love…
Tips on Making Transitions Easier for Visitation
Transitions between parents can be challenging, especially for younger children. They start to feel settled and then it is time to move back again to the other parent’s place. One’s attitude sets the tone for these exchanges. If you cannot manage to be upbeat, then aim for neutral, without any putdowns or snide remarks. Do not emulate some mums at my sons’ preschool who appeared to be on the verge of tears when parting. Very young children are already struggling with separation anxiety, so be especially positive. A neutral drop off place is ideal if it was an acrimonious divorce. A day care or preschool can be a good choice with toddlers and is easier when both parents have car seats. These exchanges are more upsetting when kids see tense, angry parents trying to interact. Children do better with set routines such as having consistent bedtimes at both locations. Even better is when mealtimes are in sync too. The routine starts with packing and getting ready for the transfer. This helps with the mindset that he is leaving one place for the other. There may be a special story told or a goodbye song sung while getting ready to leave. The child might draw a picture to give mum or dad upon seeing them. My sons had a ritual of saying goodbye to our cats. Children do not want to feel like visitors, so have them unpack right away. No one cares to live out of a suitcase, so give them their own space. In tight quarters, an empty drawer that only belongs to them is fine. Some parents come up with a new welcome back ritual when their children return from visitation. This gives them something to anticipate immediately. It may be that after dad gets…
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